Dear Mom,
I’ve got exciting news for you. No, I’m not getting married. I know that’s the news you really wanted to hear. Either that, or that I’m pregnant with your grandchild. This is not the news I have for you either.
I know you haven’t been a big fan of my pursuit of an acting career, but my job at Applebee’s pays the bills. Unlike you, I have confidence in myself. I knew that one day my agent would call to tell me that she has an actual paying gig for me. Well, guess what? Today was that day. Someone wants to pay me for my acting!
And before you ask, no, I’m not going to appear in a porno movie. In fact, you may actually get to see me on a screen near you. You see, I will be spending two days in a park here in L.A. filming what in the industry is known as “stock footage.” I’ll be in a flowing dress, frolicking around the park with a male actor. The footage will then go into a database, where producers can purchase it for their own projects. After that, who knows? I might be in the background of a karaoke video. Or maybe I’ll be in a dream sequence of an independent Latvian film. Or it’s possible I’ll be in a sexual harassment video for new Safeway employees. The possibilities are nearly limitless.
Yes, it isn’t the romantic lead opposite Zac Efron I guaranteed you that I would be cast in when I stormed out of the house two years ago, but it’s a start. You should be proud of me.
Your loving daughter,
Wendy
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Hoarding
I know I have obsessive traits. That’s why it didn’t surprise me that I spent all weekend watching every episode of A&E’s “Hoarders” and TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive” that was available on demand on cable. The shows are gripping, telling the stories about people who’s OCD caused them to acquire so many useless possessions that they can no longer use their homes, resulting in broken families.
After watching all of these shows, I started thinking about my friend Matt, who recently graduated from college. Matt’s apartment is cramped with books, magazines and furniture, and trying to walk through it is dangerous, which I learned is an obvious sign of a hoarding problem. I’ve talked to Matt about this in the past, but he denies that anything is wrong. Emboldened by the knowledge I gained from psychiatrists and other experts on the shows, I went about trying to help Matt with his problem.
Since Matt wouldn’t admit to hoarding, I took matters into my own hands. I rented a large dump truck, hired two Mexican day laborers, retrieved Matt’s spare key from under a flower pot, and went to work clearing Matt’s apartment of clutter while he was at work. By the time we had finished, I was pleased. Matt’s apartment was spacious and easy to navigate.
When Matt came home, he was not happy. To him, the reason for all the clutter was that he lived in a small studio apartment. He claimed the books and magazines that we disposed were needed for his job as a technical writer. He also claims that although the furniture we removed did clear space, he no longer has a TV or a bed or futon for sleep.
Sometimes you do a good deed and the recipient is still ungrateful.
After watching all of these shows, I started thinking about my friend Matt, who recently graduated from college. Matt’s apartment is cramped with books, magazines and furniture, and trying to walk through it is dangerous, which I learned is an obvious sign of a hoarding problem. I’ve talked to Matt about this in the past, but he denies that anything is wrong. Emboldened by the knowledge I gained from psychiatrists and other experts on the shows, I went about trying to help Matt with his problem.
Since Matt wouldn’t admit to hoarding, I took matters into my own hands. I rented a large dump truck, hired two Mexican day laborers, retrieved Matt’s spare key from under a flower pot, and went to work clearing Matt’s apartment of clutter while he was at work. By the time we had finished, I was pleased. Matt’s apartment was spacious and easy to navigate.
When Matt came home, he was not happy. To him, the reason for all the clutter was that he lived in a small studio apartment. He claimed the books and magazines that we disposed were needed for his job as a technical writer. He also claims that although the furniture we removed did clear space, he no longer has a TV or a bed or futon for sleep.
Sometimes you do a good deed and the recipient is still ungrateful.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Copier
How could she decide to leave me? I know we had problems, but we could have worked through them. There’s no reason to end it when we were so good together. Just writing about it makes me want to cry again.
If only she could see how hurt she has made me, maybe she would reconsider. She’s a kind and sympathetic person. She wouldn’t want to see someone in pain, especially someone she cares about. Somehow I have to show her.
I’ve been working late a lot to try to take my mind off of her. This hasn’t been successful, as I’ve had to stifle crying at work, and sometimes stifling doesn’t work. So I came up with a plan. Instead of holding back the tears, I let them out and put my face on the copier. Then I made a bunch of copies. When she saw page after page of my sadness, she’d know just how hurt I am and want to comfort me.
Of course, the copies didn’t turn out perfectly. My face pressed against the glass, complete with flattened nose and opened mouth, looks more grotesquely humorous than sad. Also, after crying for a short time, the condensation from my breath and pool of tears and saliva that collected on the copier glass quickly turned my face into a white blob with blurry eyes. Regardless, I collated the copies, put them in a manila envelope, addressed it to her, and sent it in the company mail. Maybe she’ll still get the message. Maybe she’ll see how pitiful it is and feel sorry for me.
If this doesn’t work, I’ll just have to try an even more pathetic gesture, because I haven’t got any better ideas.
If only she could see how hurt she has made me, maybe she would reconsider. She’s a kind and sympathetic person. She wouldn’t want to see someone in pain, especially someone she cares about. Somehow I have to show her.
I’ve been working late a lot to try to take my mind off of her. This hasn’t been successful, as I’ve had to stifle crying at work, and sometimes stifling doesn’t work. So I came up with a plan. Instead of holding back the tears, I let them out and put my face on the copier. Then I made a bunch of copies. When she saw page after page of my sadness, she’d know just how hurt I am and want to comfort me.
Of course, the copies didn’t turn out perfectly. My face pressed against the glass, complete with flattened nose and opened mouth, looks more grotesquely humorous than sad. Also, after crying for a short time, the condensation from my breath and pool of tears and saliva that collected on the copier glass quickly turned my face into a white blob with blurry eyes. Regardless, I collated the copies, put them in a manila envelope, addressed it to her, and sent it in the company mail. Maybe she’ll still get the message. Maybe she’ll see how pitiful it is and feel sorry for me.
If this doesn’t work, I’ll just have to try an even more pathetic gesture, because I haven’t got any better ideas.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Spousal Revenge
My wife makes me so mad. I work just as hard as she does, even though my job isn’t a physically taxing as her nursing job. Still, I’m stuck watching our daughter almost every night. Don’t get me wrong, I love little Casey. She’s the only thing I enjoy coming home to anymore. Still, I need a few nights off, to unwind, hang out with the boys, or just sit at home and masturbate. Instead, six to seven nights a week I’m watching the two year old while my wife Jill goes out with her friends, watches TV alone in the bedroom, or watches dumb clips on Youtube. I’m beginning to forget why I fell in love with Jill in the first place.
My friend Don had a party last Friday. Don’s parties are legendary. I’ve missed the last two and would be damned if I miss another one. Of course, Jill was reluctant. I begged Jill to no avail. It was only after I agreed to eat Jill’s pussy with no reciprocation that I got “permission” to see my friends. Needless to say, I was resentful.
I get off work earlier than Jill on Fridays, so I picked up Casey from daycare. I offered Casey her first can of Coke. Casey loves sugary things, so it didn’t take much for her to down the whole can. Then, while she was watching Veggie Tales, I replaced the battery in the smoke detector in the attic with a dying battery. Finally, right before Jill got home from work, I read Jill a couple of my favorite scary passages from Stephen King’s “It.”
When Jill came home, I kissed a crying Casey and left the house. Using Casey to get back at Jill was wrong. I should get a divorce instead.
My friend Don had a party last Friday. Don’s parties are legendary. I’ve missed the last two and would be damned if I miss another one. Of course, Jill was reluctant. I begged Jill to no avail. It was only after I agreed to eat Jill’s pussy with no reciprocation that I got “permission” to see my friends. Needless to say, I was resentful.
I get off work earlier than Jill on Fridays, so I picked up Casey from daycare. I offered Casey her first can of Coke. Casey loves sugary things, so it didn’t take much for her to down the whole can. Then, while she was watching Veggie Tales, I replaced the battery in the smoke detector in the attic with a dying battery. Finally, right before Jill got home from work, I read Jill a couple of my favorite scary passages from Stephen King’s “It.”
When Jill came home, I kissed a crying Casey and left the house. Using Casey to get back at Jill was wrong. I should get a divorce instead.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Guitar Hero
For various reasons, I haven’t seen my younger sister Sandra in many years. I was seven years older than her and moved to Chicago when she was still in high school. After many years in rehab, I have finally settled down. Part of my healing process is reconnecting with family that I ignored during my meteoric rise and lost crash years.
It was exciting to see Sandra as an adult with her own family. She helped me make a huge dinner. Working with Sandra in the kitchen reminded me of doing the same thing when we were kids doing the same thing in Mom’s kitchen. Sandra has two kids - twins Barry and Barbara who are 11. With incredible speed, they turned my library into their own makeshift concert hall with a Nintendo Wii connected to the small TV and plastic instruments that somehow connect to the device.
While we were cooking, I heard some familiar sounds coming from the library. The twins were playing Cherub Rock. I played bass on that song! I’d been getting royalty checks for the game, but I’d never seen it in person. I told the twins about my days in Smashing Pumpkins and showed them pictures of me performing. They seemed unimpressed and asked if I could play bass on the Wii. Seeing as how I was a professional bassist for one of the most popular bands of the 90s, I figured it would be easy. I failed miserably, getting booed off the stage in less than a minute.
Although it’s cool to see a younger generation rediscover the music I made, it’s sad to me that kids are more into the artificial experience of playing games than something genuine like making actual music.
It was exciting to see Sandra as an adult with her own family. She helped me make a huge dinner. Working with Sandra in the kitchen reminded me of doing the same thing when we were kids doing the same thing in Mom’s kitchen. Sandra has two kids - twins Barry and Barbara who are 11. With incredible speed, they turned my library into their own makeshift concert hall with a Nintendo Wii connected to the small TV and plastic instruments that somehow connect to the device.
While we were cooking, I heard some familiar sounds coming from the library. The twins were playing Cherub Rock. I played bass on that song! I’d been getting royalty checks for the game, but I’d never seen it in person. I told the twins about my days in Smashing Pumpkins and showed them pictures of me performing. They seemed unimpressed and asked if I could play bass on the Wii. Seeing as how I was a professional bassist for one of the most popular bands of the 90s, I figured it would be easy. I failed miserably, getting booed off the stage in less than a minute.
Although it’s cool to see a younger generation rediscover the music I made, it’s sad to me that kids are more into the artificial experience of playing games than something genuine like making actual music.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Lawsuit II
Dear Mr. Lafferty,
Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I saw your ad during an episode of Judge Mathis and think I have a legitimate lawsuit.
With the decline of the manufacturing industry in America, much of the value that this country produces is intellectual property. Some of our largest companies like Microsoft, Disney, and Google have value only because we place value on intellectual property. This makes it all the worse when one of these large companies steals their ideas.
Back in 2003, my friend Bobby and I were watching TV. (We were smoking a lot of pot at the time and probably drinking, but you don’t have to mention that in court.) While flipping through the channels, we stumbled across the movie Tron and were mesmerized. I found the movie very entertaining, but I was also struck by how poor the special effects looked. The movie was made in 1982 when computer animation was not as good as it is today. After the movie, we flipped through the channels and landed on music videos. I said to Bobby, “they should do a sequel to that movie. I bet it would do really well if they used some of the modern special effects. This band with the robots [the one on TV at the time] could make a cool soundtrack for it.” The band was no other than Daft Punk.
As you know, Disney will be releasing a new Tron movie this weekend, with a soundtrack by Daft Punk. I find it highly unlikely that Disney came up with the same idea I did. They must have overheard me and stole my idea. Do you think we have a lawsuit? I’m thinking $30 million, plus an associate producer credit.
Sincerely,
Craig Rollins
Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I saw your ad during an episode of Judge Mathis and think I have a legitimate lawsuit.
With the decline of the manufacturing industry in America, much of the value that this country produces is intellectual property. Some of our largest companies like Microsoft, Disney, and Google have value only because we place value on intellectual property. This makes it all the worse when one of these large companies steals their ideas.
Back in 2003, my friend Bobby and I were watching TV. (We were smoking a lot of pot at the time and probably drinking, but you don’t have to mention that in court.) While flipping through the channels, we stumbled across the movie Tron and were mesmerized. I found the movie very entertaining, but I was also struck by how poor the special effects looked. The movie was made in 1982 when computer animation was not as good as it is today. After the movie, we flipped through the channels and landed on music videos. I said to Bobby, “they should do a sequel to that movie. I bet it would do really well if they used some of the modern special effects. This band with the robots [the one on TV at the time] could make a cool soundtrack for it.” The band was no other than Daft Punk.
As you know, Disney will be releasing a new Tron movie this weekend, with a soundtrack by Daft Punk. I find it highly unlikely that Disney came up with the same idea I did. They must have overheard me and stole my idea. Do you think we have a lawsuit? I’m thinking $30 million, plus an associate producer credit.
Sincerely,
Craig Rollins
Friday, December 10, 2010
Christmas, by Will Divide Jr., Age 10
A lot of people think kids my age only like Christmas because of the toys. I’m here to tell you that this is not true. I think Christmas is great because of the DVDs and gift cards I get as well. DVDs are cool because you can watch them when playing with toys, and gift cards are cool because you can use them to buy toys, DVDs or nearly anything else.
Christmas is also Jesus’ birthday. I like the way Jesus celebrates his birthday. My friend Carson had a birthday last month. My mom bought Carson this cool Lego spaceship/astronaut thing. I wanted it for myself, but Mom said I could play with it when I went to Carson’s house. I told Mom that this doesn’t help me when I want to play with the Legos and Carson is not around, but she didn’t care. On Jesus’ birthday, everybody gets presents except Jesus.
I guess you could buy a present for Jesus, but it’s not like Jesus would ever come to get it, so it would be a waste of money. I asked my mom what would happen if Jesus did show up for his birthday, and she said that the world would end. I’m glad that doesn’t happen when I show up at my own birthday.
Don’t get me started on Santa Claus. I know that he’s not real. Why would he show up at the mall in late November and December to ask kids what they want for Christmas? Wouldn’t it make more sense to do that in January so he and the elves would have more time to make presents? (He could start in February if he wanted to take a vacation in January.) Also, I know elves don’t make the toys; the Chinese do.
Christmas is also Jesus’ birthday. I like the way Jesus celebrates his birthday. My friend Carson had a birthday last month. My mom bought Carson this cool Lego spaceship/astronaut thing. I wanted it for myself, but Mom said I could play with it when I went to Carson’s house. I told Mom that this doesn’t help me when I want to play with the Legos and Carson is not around, but she didn’t care. On Jesus’ birthday, everybody gets presents except Jesus.
I guess you could buy a present for Jesus, but it’s not like Jesus would ever come to get it, so it would be a waste of money. I asked my mom what would happen if Jesus did show up for his birthday, and she said that the world would end. I’m glad that doesn’t happen when I show up at my own birthday.
Don’t get me started on Santa Claus. I know that he’s not real. Why would he show up at the mall in late November and December to ask kids what they want for Christmas? Wouldn’t it make more sense to do that in January so he and the elves would have more time to make presents? (He could start in February if he wanted to take a vacation in January.) Also, I know elves don’t make the toys; the Chinese do.
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