Four-Alarm Killer Chili

Being a native-born Texan, I’ve participated in a lot of chili cook off competitions. After eating enough chili, most judges will tell you that they all taste the same. To stand out from the crowd, you need to bring the heat and have something distinctive about your chili. With that in mind, I’ve created the following recipe which will both get the eyes to water and get the judges to take notice. I present to you my recipe for Four-Alarm Killer Chili.

1. Brown ½ pound ground beef and ½ pound of Italian sausage in a large cooking pot and drain the fat.
2. Add 1 chopped onion, 1 chopped and seeded green pepper, and 2 chopped celery stalks and cook over medium heat for 10 minutes.
3. Add 6 12 oz. cans of whole, peeled tomatoes that have been crushed, 1 12 oz. can of red kidney beans, and 1 12 oz. can of corn.
4. Then add 3 tbs. chili powder, ½ tsp. cumin, and 1 tsp. oregano.
5. Now the fun part. De-seed and dice 2 jalapeno, 1 poblano, 1 serrano, and 2 Scotch bonnet peppers and add them to the pot. Warning: Do not touch your eyes when handling hot peppers. They will burn.
6. Allow the chili to simmer for 30 minutes.
7. With 10 minutes of simmering left, add 3 tbs. arsenic to the chili. Mix well. Warning: Do not ingest any arsenic while cooking. Make sure to clean all pots and utensils thoroughly before reuse.

If you are the type of person that likes to witness his or her own notoriety, feel free to stick around until the end of the competition; otherwise, leave the country immediately after serving.