Those of us born after the Sexual Revolution of the late 60s are the proud recipients of its largess. Before the Revolution, people repressed their true desires and engaged in a monthly bout of missionary sex with their spouses. Today, we are free to engage our sexual fantasies in exciting new ways.
Of course, despite the expanding sexual universe, not every kink or proclivity can be acted on. Actor Brent Spiner gets tons of requests for sex with strangers. Most of these people are interested in having sex with a robot similar to the character Commander Data that Spiner played on Star Trek. People want to have sex with robots, but a fully functional sex robot hasn’t been invented yet.
I have always been turned on by the prospect of having sex with a pregnant woman. I love the way a woman looks with a big, round belly and engorged breasts. I am practical though; I realize that getting a woman pregnant in order to have a final trimester of sexual bliss is not a good tradeoff. A friend suggested I find a pregnant prostitute, but the thought of a child having a whore for a mother would ruin the experience for me.
Luckily, I have learned to fantasize during sex. When my girlfriend Kate and I do it doggy style, I imagine her large, pregnant belly touches the sheets, and I come in buckets. I felt guilty about this, so one night (while drunk) I admitted to Kate that I sometimes think of her pregnant when we have sex. To my surprise, she wasn’t repulsed. She said it’s okay, because she sometimes thinks of me as a giant African elephant mounting her from behind.
I don’t know whether to be relieved or repulsed.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Fashionable Amish Wins an Award
Gaining traffic for a blog is difficult. You tell your friends, write some stuff you hope people will find compelling, and hope for the best. Winning awards is a good way to drive traffic to the site, and adding a little trophy to the page really classes up the joint, kind of like a 1970s Topps baseball card.
Recently, I was nominated for the Platinum Award for Excellence in Humor Blogitry (PAEHB). I was up against “Hyperbole and a Half," “Sad and Useless,” “Mudflap Bubbas,” and “The Drudge Report.” The judges at the Platinum Internet Foundation determined that my site was unquestionably the best, making me 2010’s PAEHB winner. I was so delighted when I heard the news, I peed a little.
Some people have questioned the merit of this award. They point out that this is the first year the prize has been awarded. They also point out that the Platinum Internet Foundation seems to exist only to award the PAEHB. Furthermore, records show that the foundation’s president is Will Divide, and the only other people allowed to vote for the award are the Board of Directors, consisting of Will Divide’s grandmother and great aunt, with the later two declined to vote for anyone.
To the people that believe the PAEHB is bullshit, I’d like to point out that the leading candidate for the Senate from Kentucky has done the exact same thing. The main difference between what I’ve done and what Rand Paul did is that I only gave myself a fake web award. Paul certified himself to be a practicing Ophthalmologist (which is apparently legal in Kentucky).
The moral in all of this, is that if you hitch your moral compass to politicians, you can get away with nearly anything. I think I’ll hire a prostitute.
Recently, I was nominated for the Platinum Award for Excellence in Humor Blogitry (PAEHB). I was up against “Hyperbole and a Half," “Sad and Useless,” “Mudflap Bubbas,” and “The Drudge Report.” The judges at the Platinum Internet Foundation determined that my site was unquestionably the best, making me 2010’s PAEHB winner. I was so delighted when I heard the news, I peed a little.
Some people have questioned the merit of this award. They point out that this is the first year the prize has been awarded. They also point out that the Platinum Internet Foundation seems to exist only to award the PAEHB. Furthermore, records show that the foundation’s president is Will Divide, and the only other people allowed to vote for the award are the Board of Directors, consisting of Will Divide’s grandmother and great aunt, with the later two declined to vote for anyone.
To the people that believe the PAEHB is bullshit, I’d like to point out that the leading candidate for the Senate from Kentucky has done the exact same thing. The main difference between what I’ve done and what Rand Paul did is that I only gave myself a fake web award. Paul certified himself to be a practicing Ophthalmologist (which is apparently legal in Kentucky).
The moral in all of this, is that if you hitch your moral compass to politicians, you can get away with nearly anything. I think I’ll hire a prostitute.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Microblogging
Regular readers of this blog know that I impose a strict 300-word limit on blog postings. People using the internet generally have short attention spans, so a 300-word limit is short enough to keep readers focused. I also like the idea of trying to get a message across despite imposed brevity. Plus, keeping the blog short gives me time to do other things I enjoy (smoking pot, masturbating to porn, and getting angry at the idiotic things politicians do, among other things).
Modern technology encourages concision. I sometimes struggle with my 300-word straightjacket, but some bloggers do this with limits of 200 or even 100 words. Users of Twitter have it even worse; they have to somehow convey meaning using only 140 characters. I’m envious of their skill.
Having said that, I refuse to be outwitted by the Ashton Kutchers, Sarah Palins, and Chad Ochocincos of the world. If they can convey messages 140 characters at a time, I can do even better. So here is my attempt at the shortest posting possible. (Actually, it’s a sub-post, but let’s not haggle over details.)
Unsophisticated readers will see this as a simple letter, but to the more imaginative, this post has more possible conclusions than the movie Inception. Is it a reference to a good grade? The preface to something unspecific? Homage to the Fonz? A reaction to getting your foot stepped on? A parent trying to stifle an overly-talkative child? The first name of the author of Winnie the Pooh? A reference to a beginning? The possibilities are nearly limitless.
Take that Twitter!
Modern technology encourages concision. I sometimes struggle with my 300-word straightjacket, but some bloggers do this with limits of 200 or even 100 words. Users of Twitter have it even worse; they have to somehow convey meaning using only 140 characters. I’m envious of their skill.
Having said that, I refuse to be outwitted by the Ashton Kutchers, Sarah Palins, and Chad Ochocincos of the world. If they can convey messages 140 characters at a time, I can do even better. So here is my attempt at the shortest posting possible. (Actually, it’s a sub-post, but let’s not haggle over details.)
A
Unsophisticated readers will see this as a simple letter, but to the more imaginative, this post has more possible conclusions than the movie Inception. Is it a reference to a good grade? The preface to something unspecific? Homage to the Fonz? A reaction to getting your foot stepped on? A parent trying to stifle an overly-talkative child? The first name of the author of Winnie the Pooh? A reference to a beginning? The possibilities are nearly limitless.
Take that Twitter!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A More Effective Way to Run Campaigns
Congratulation to Senator John McCain. On Tuesday night, McCain soundly defeated former infomercial pitchman J.D. Hayworth to win the Republican primary to be the US Senator from Arizona.
Pundits have framed this victory into several different themes. They say that he abandoned his self-described maverick persona, turning far right to defeat a strongly conservative candidate in a state hungry for red meat. They also say that McCain bucked the anti-incumbency wave that effectively ended the careers of colleagues from Utah, Pennsylvania, and possibly Alaska. They say that McCain is poised to become the lion of the Senate, able to work with colleagues on both sides of the isle from a position of respect.
Frankly, I don’t care about any of the pundit narratives. What interests me most is that McCain spent $21 million on the primary campaign. As a result, 281,347 people voted for McCain in Arizona. That works out to $74.64 per vote.
This seems like an ineffective way to run a campaign. Instead of spending money on commercials with haunting keyboard tones and splotchy videos of his opponent, McCain could have given voters something they want. He could just give voters $74.64.
I’m nearly broke. With $74.64, I could buy a bottle of Jack Daniels, an eighth of weed, and a half-rack of Budweiser (with the profits from the beer going straight back to McCain’s wife’s company!). Then after smoking a joint and doing a few shots of Jack chased by the Budweiser, I’d walk to my nearest polling place to vote for McCain out of gratitude. (Naturally, I’d need to be drunk and high to vote for McCain.)
People in Arizona don’t need flashy yard signs and bumper stickers proclaiming “McCain ’10.” With a 9.6% unemployment rate, Arizonans need money, and $74.64 is a nice start.
Pundits have framed this victory into several different themes. They say that he abandoned his self-described maverick persona, turning far right to defeat a strongly conservative candidate in a state hungry for red meat. They also say that McCain bucked the anti-incumbency wave that effectively ended the careers of colleagues from Utah, Pennsylvania, and possibly Alaska. They say that McCain is poised to become the lion of the Senate, able to work with colleagues on both sides of the isle from a position of respect.
Frankly, I don’t care about any of the pundit narratives. What interests me most is that McCain spent $21 million on the primary campaign. As a result, 281,347 people voted for McCain in Arizona. That works out to $74.64 per vote.
This seems like an ineffective way to run a campaign. Instead of spending money on commercials with haunting keyboard tones and splotchy videos of his opponent, McCain could have given voters something they want. He could just give voters $74.64.
I’m nearly broke. With $74.64, I could buy a bottle of Jack Daniels, an eighth of weed, and a half-rack of Budweiser (with the profits from the beer going straight back to McCain’s wife’s company!). Then after smoking a joint and doing a few shots of Jack chased by the Budweiser, I’d walk to my nearest polling place to vote for McCain out of gratitude. (Naturally, I’d need to be drunk and high to vote for McCain.)
People in Arizona don’t need flashy yard signs and bumper stickers proclaiming “McCain ’10.” With a 9.6% unemployment rate, Arizonans need money, and $74.64 is a nice start.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Third Date
Tonight is my third date with Tina. Our first date went well. We went to a coffeehouse in SE and got to know each other better. I found out that she’s really into music, can talk intelligently about politics, and can hold her own on during a night of barhopping, all of which are good traits in a potential mate. I kissed her goodnight and was pleasantly surprised to find her tongue in my mouth.
Four our second date, we went to a bar downtown for drinks and appetizers. I prefer this arrangement, as the alcohol helps with my nervousness on dates. Apparently, this is true for Tina as well, as she had a great sense of humor that night. We joked about George W. Bush, hipsters, and impotent but expensive drinks served at most downtown bars. I walked Tina to her car, and she suggested we keep talking in the back seat. Naturally, talking led to making out. Although our hormones were raging, we were limited in what we could do since we were on a busy, well-lit street. I’m sure if we were in a bedroom (or a dim parking garage), my six-month celibacy streak would be over.
Tonight, Tina is coming to my apartment to watch a DVD. I’m sure she’s expecting to test the springiness of my mattress as well. I was thinking the same thing until I woke up this morning and felt a searing pain on my upper left thigh. Upon further inspection, a gigantic red zit has taken residence right near my junk. How am I going to explain this to Tina when we get naked? “No it’s not an STD. It’s a zit. Just ignore it and come fuck me!”
I’m going to cancel tonight. I hope Tina doesn’t lose interest.
Four our second date, we went to a bar downtown for drinks and appetizers. I prefer this arrangement, as the alcohol helps with my nervousness on dates. Apparently, this is true for Tina as well, as she had a great sense of humor that night. We joked about George W. Bush, hipsters, and impotent but expensive drinks served at most downtown bars. I walked Tina to her car, and she suggested we keep talking in the back seat. Naturally, talking led to making out. Although our hormones were raging, we were limited in what we could do since we were on a busy, well-lit street. I’m sure if we were in a bedroom (or a dim parking garage), my six-month celibacy streak would be over.
Tonight, Tina is coming to my apartment to watch a DVD. I’m sure she’s expecting to test the springiness of my mattress as well. I was thinking the same thing until I woke up this morning and felt a searing pain on my upper left thigh. Upon further inspection, a gigantic red zit has taken residence right near my junk. How am I going to explain this to Tina when we get naked? “No it’s not an STD. It’s a zit. Just ignore it and come fuck me!”
I’m going to cancel tonight. I hope Tina doesn’t lose interest.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Reality Show Contestant Dies During Filming
(AP) – CBS is currently reviewing safety procedures for all of its reality shows following the death of a contestant during the filming of the series “The Estate” scheduled to air in the fall lineup.
Dan Cather, 36, of Scottsdale, Arizona was one of eight contestants competing to be the sole heir of Adam Witherspoon’s estate, which primarily was amassed through leverage trading. The estate is valued at nearly $40 million. Cather is Witherspoon’s nephew.
The show featured relatives competing against each other at both mental and physical tasks to prove their worthiness of the Witherspoon fortune. Contests included differentiating expensive and cheap wine while blindfolded, drawing a family tree without reference material, and redecorating a room in Witherspoon’s 9-bedroom house in Florida.
Cather was hauling a diesel generator on sand on Monday when he collapsed. He died in the hospital two hours later of a massive hear attack. Cather was attempting to set up a beach party during one of the competitions for the show.
Following the incident, CBS issued the following statement. “Our deepest sympathies go out to the family of Dan Cather following his tragic death. We have discontinued production of ‘The Estate’ out of consideration for the family.”
CBS spokesperson Dana McClintock said she doesn’t expect the incident to affect other popular reality shows on CBS, such as ‘Survivor’ and ‘The Amazing Race.’ “We take safety during reality competitions seriously and are currently reviewing procedures to ensure that we are doing everything we can to keep people safe. Although Dan Cather’s death is a tragedy, it proves that the proceedings in these shows are real. Viewers won’t watch the show if the danger is fake.”
Dan Cather, 36, of Scottsdale, Arizona was one of eight contestants competing to be the sole heir of Adam Witherspoon’s estate, which primarily was amassed through leverage trading. The estate is valued at nearly $40 million. Cather is Witherspoon’s nephew.
The show featured relatives competing against each other at both mental and physical tasks to prove their worthiness of the Witherspoon fortune. Contests included differentiating expensive and cheap wine while blindfolded, drawing a family tree without reference material, and redecorating a room in Witherspoon’s 9-bedroom house in Florida.
Cather was hauling a diesel generator on sand on Monday when he collapsed. He died in the hospital two hours later of a massive hear attack. Cather was attempting to set up a beach party during one of the competitions for the show.
Following the incident, CBS issued the following statement. “Our deepest sympathies go out to the family of Dan Cather following his tragic death. We have discontinued production of ‘The Estate’ out of consideration for the family.”
CBS spokesperson Dana McClintock said she doesn’t expect the incident to affect other popular reality shows on CBS, such as ‘Survivor’ and ‘The Amazing Race.’ “We take safety during reality competitions seriously and are currently reviewing procedures to ensure that we are doing everything we can to keep people safe. Although Dan Cather’s death is a tragedy, it proves that the proceedings in these shows are real. Viewers won’t watch the show if the danger is fake.”
Monday, August 23, 2010
Browser History
I’m a call center supervisor, so I know what it must be like to teach an unruly, immature high school class. I thought the job would entail making schedules and teaching employees how to push our new debit cards, but most of my time is spent refereeing petty squabbles and begging people to fill in for other workers that are too hung over to report to work.
On Monday, my employee Craig’s computer wasn’t working, so I had him work at Nick’s workstation. When Nick returned to work on Tuesday, he said to me, “I don’t mind you having someone else use my computer, but whoever did changed all of my settings and cleared my browser history.” Call center workers aren’t supposed to be websurfing at work, and we keep a log of all visits regardless of the browser history. I went to the IT guy and got a printout of all the websites Craig visited. I then went home and checked them out. In addition to some mundane things, Craig went to a couple of dating websites, a site about the detrimental affects of prolonged meth use, and several porn sites catering to men who like larger women.
Looking at porn at work is a terminable offense, so Craig no longer works for the company. Now I have to interview a bunch of losers to find a replacement who I’ll probably have to fire in a month anyway. This isn’t the worst of it, though. Unbeknownst to me, my loving wife Audrey regularly checks my browser history. I know this because she subtly (or as subtly as she could) asked me if I was cheating on her, doing meth, or wanted her to put on a few pounds.
On Monday, my employee Craig’s computer wasn’t working, so I had him work at Nick’s workstation. When Nick returned to work on Tuesday, he said to me, “I don’t mind you having someone else use my computer, but whoever did changed all of my settings and cleared my browser history.” Call center workers aren’t supposed to be websurfing at work, and we keep a log of all visits regardless of the browser history. I went to the IT guy and got a printout of all the websites Craig visited. I then went home and checked them out. In addition to some mundane things, Craig went to a couple of dating websites, a site about the detrimental affects of prolonged meth use, and several porn sites catering to men who like larger women.
Looking at porn at work is a terminable offense, so Craig no longer works for the company. Now I have to interview a bunch of losers to find a replacement who I’ll probably have to fire in a month anyway. This isn’t the worst of it, though. Unbeknownst to me, my loving wife Audrey regularly checks my browser history. I know this because she subtly (or as subtly as she could) asked me if I was cheating on her, doing meth, or wanted her to put on a few pounds.
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