It’s not easy coming up with new ideas to write about in this blog. Sometimes it can take me hours of web surfing to come up with some idea that I think would make for good blog fodder. Other times I come up with three good ideas in a day.
Last Friday was a struggle, but I finally came up with an idea that was suitable and posted it mere minutes before my self-imposed noon Pacific Time deadline. Satisfied with myself, I went about the rest of my day which involved masturbating, smoking pot, and drinking more whiskey than the USDA would recommend for a family of four for a month.
It was while drinking and smoking that I came up with the most brilliant idea for a blog post yet. The post was to be told from the perspective of a woman who has some biting and insightful things to say about male/female relationships. I shared this with my girlfriend, and she agreed that it would make perhaps the best Fashionable Amish entry yet, concluding with, “you’re so funny Will. I love you.” (I then slapped her firmly on the ass, which is my way of showing affection.)
Then, after drunkenly attempting fornication with my girlfriend which resulted in something resembling two recent stroke victims getting into a slap fight, I passed out in bed. Now, several days later, neither she nor I can remember the subject of what would have been the greatest blog post ever.
Sometimes I think I would be better at doing things if I would stop drinking. Then I worry that I would cease to be interesting if I were sober all the time. If drinking is my passport to being witty and fun, then get me on that plane, drink in hand.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Penis Size
Women like big dicks. Sure if you have a cock that looks like a roll of bologna at the deli counter it might alarm women, but having a large piece of man meat from your crotch is something women will appreciate.
This does not describe me. I’m average size, probably around six inches (I haven’t measured it) and about the circumference of a quarter at the shaft. It’s not a handicap, but it’s nothing to write home about.
I like those commercial for Enzyte. You know the ones I’m talking about – where every woman gives the guy who uses Enzyte these knowing glances. I’m not an idiot; I know that Enzyte is as likely to cause my penis to grow as Flintstone’s Vitamins. Still, the commercial gave me an idea.
One day, while out drinking with the guys, I happened to mention an embarrassing story from college. As I walked out of my dorm room to the bathroom, my dick head peaked out from the leg hole of my boxers and a couple of women the floor saw it. (That event never happened.) My friend Dave then asked me how big my dick is. “I don’t know,” I replied, “maybe 11 or 12 inches.”
Fast forward to the next weekend. I’m at a party, and Dave’s wife’s friend Lisa is being extra friendly to me. I went back to her place afterward. At first I was afraid that Lisa would be disappointed by my lack of size, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she didn’t notice. Instead, I found out later that she bragged to her friends about how big I am. Now when I’m around friends, I get knowing glances all the time, just like in that Enzyte commercial. All because of my regular-sized big dick.
This does not describe me. I’m average size, probably around six inches (I haven’t measured it) and about the circumference of a quarter at the shaft. It’s not a handicap, but it’s nothing to write home about.
I like those commercial for Enzyte. You know the ones I’m talking about – where every woman gives the guy who uses Enzyte these knowing glances. I’m not an idiot; I know that Enzyte is as likely to cause my penis to grow as Flintstone’s Vitamins. Still, the commercial gave me an idea.
One day, while out drinking with the guys, I happened to mention an embarrassing story from college. As I walked out of my dorm room to the bathroom, my dick head peaked out from the leg hole of my boxers and a couple of women the floor saw it. (That event never happened.) My friend Dave then asked me how big my dick is. “I don’t know,” I replied, “maybe 11 or 12 inches.”
Fast forward to the next weekend. I’m at a party, and Dave’s wife’s friend Lisa is being extra friendly to me. I went back to her place afterward. At first I was afraid that Lisa would be disappointed by my lack of size, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she didn’t notice. Instead, I found out later that she bragged to her friends about how big I am. Now when I’m around friends, I get knowing glances all the time, just like in that Enzyte commercial. All because of my regular-sized big dick.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Letter to Grandma, by Will Divide, Jr., Age 10
Dear Grandma Amy,
Thank you for the sweater you gave me for my birthday. I’m sure it would be great to wear at school, but they are making us wear uniforms, so I would get in trouble if I wore it to school. You don’t want me to get in trouble, do you? I could wear it during evenings, but mom makes me keep the uniform on so she doesn’t have to do more laundry. On weekends I usually wear a hoodie. The only time I would wear the sweater is when you see me on Thanksgiving, and I already have a sweater for that holiday – the one you gave me last year.
For my birthday next year, would it be possible for you to get me a game for the Xbox 360? I know you don’t like buying me games because you don’t know what I have already, but I’ll make it easy on you. Look for any game with a black and white “M” on it. Since I am 10, I’m too young to be allowed to buy the games, but you are not. The new Halo just game out, and I think I would be very good at it, but because it has an “M” rating, Game Stop won’t sell it to me.
If you don’t want to buy me a game, you could always send me money. Just make sure it’s $10 more than the price of a video game. That way, I can give the extra money to my dad (real dad, not the guy mom’s dating), and he can buy it for me. Then on the way home, he can buy a bottle of what he calls “rot gut,” and we can both have fun for the evening.
Love you,
Will Divide, Jr.
Thank you for the sweater you gave me for my birthday. I’m sure it would be great to wear at school, but they are making us wear uniforms, so I would get in trouble if I wore it to school. You don’t want me to get in trouble, do you? I could wear it during evenings, but mom makes me keep the uniform on so she doesn’t have to do more laundry. On weekends I usually wear a hoodie. The only time I would wear the sweater is when you see me on Thanksgiving, and I already have a sweater for that holiday – the one you gave me last year.
For my birthday next year, would it be possible for you to get me a game for the Xbox 360? I know you don’t like buying me games because you don’t know what I have already, but I’ll make it easy on you. Look for any game with a black and white “M” on it. Since I am 10, I’m too young to be allowed to buy the games, but you are not. The new Halo just game out, and I think I would be very good at it, but because it has an “M” rating, Game Stop won’t sell it to me.
If you don’t want to buy me a game, you could always send me money. Just make sure it’s $10 more than the price of a video game. That way, I can give the extra money to my dad (real dad, not the guy mom’s dating), and he can buy it for me. Then on the way home, he can buy a bottle of what he calls “rot gut,” and we can both have fun for the evening.
Love you,
Will Divide, Jr.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder VIII
It can be the difference between getting a job and being unemployed. You’re potential mate may decide that your not the won. Friend’s may openly mock you behind you’re back.
People take four granted the importance of proper use of: spelling punctuation and grammar. Its not taught in schools like it used too bee. Educator’s just assume that MS Word will fix all the errors. We’ll, MS Words spelling and grammar check is imperfect. Those errors can effect your ability two succeed in life.
At Timony Industries, we no the importance of how you present your self to the world, and that: spelling grammar and punctuation play a big part in it. Thats why we’ve introduced are new Ret service. Ret stands for Retired English Teacher. Simply email you’re correspondence to are Ret service first, and four a small fee won of are experienced professionals will correct the error’s. Have problem with making sure that subject and verbs agree? Your Ret expert will fix it. Don’t know when using accept or except is exceptable? Their’s a retired english teacher they’re two assist you. Their even they’re to help you if you don’t know when to use: their they’re or there.
Timony Industries new Ret program is the crutch you need too make you’re message stand out, and not bee bogged down by improper: spelling grammar and punctuation. When you were in school you’re english teacher was always their to help you out. Why not still use there wisdom.
The Ret program starts next month. I four won can’t wait two use it.
People take four granted the importance of proper use of: spelling punctuation and grammar. Its not taught in schools like it used too bee. Educator’s just assume that MS Word will fix all the errors. We’ll, MS Words spelling and grammar check is imperfect. Those errors can effect your ability two succeed in life.
At Timony Industries, we no the importance of how you present your self to the world, and that: spelling grammar and punctuation play a big part in it. Thats why we’ve introduced are new Ret service. Ret stands for Retired English Teacher. Simply email you’re correspondence to are Ret service first, and four a small fee won of are experienced professionals will correct the error’s. Have problem with making sure that subject and verbs agree? Your Ret expert will fix it. Don’t know when using accept or except is exceptable? Their’s a retired english teacher they’re two assist you. Their even they’re to help you if you don’t know when to use: their they’re or there.
Timony Industries new Ret program is the crutch you need too make you’re message stand out, and not bee bogged down by improper: spelling grammar and punctuation. When you were in school you’re english teacher was always their to help you out. Why not still use there wisdom.
The Ret program starts next month. I four won can’t wait two use it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Response to My Craigslist Ad
Recently, a commenter recommended that I put my post requesting a team of graduate students on Craigslist. Knowing good advice when I see it, I posted an ad in the Jobs – Writing/Editing section and was surprised by the volume of response that I received. Here’s a small sample.
“I am a grad student at PSU and have two friends also enrolled. Collectively, we are looking for a good internship. One of my friends is a very attractive woman. My only concern is that we do not have any Asians in the group. I do have short, black hair and maintain a deep tan year round. If I promise to squint a lot, would you be willing to consider us?”
“Hey man. You want to buy some pot? I got the shit. Sour diesel grown hydroponic for Eugene. Just give me a call at [redacted].”
“You are a racist, sexist asshole. Requesting women or Asian people specifically for a job is illegal. It’s so frustrating that white men like me get discriminated against all the time.”
“Would you rather have more than enough to get the job done or fall short? Our methods are guaranteed to increase your penis size 1-3 inches.”
“I’m an assistant professor of sociology from the University of Portland. Although I do not work with graduate students, I would be willing to consider letting an undergrad intern with you. I think letting a student observe how a degenerate loser manages to live day-to-day would make for a good sociological research study.”
“How is it possible that you’re unemployed when the demand in the job market is so high for porn enthusiasts and pot smokers. Do you smell or something?”
“That’s funny. I’m going to recommend you for ‘Best of Craigslist.’ For me to poop on!”
Monday, September 13, 2010
Letter to the Guy at the Smashing Pumpkins Show
Dear Sir,
I am almost certain that you don’t know who I am. Frankly, I don’t really know much about you. You might work for Doctors Without Borders, aiding the injured in war-torn areas. For all I know, you are on the fast-track to sainthood. I’ve been aware of your presence for a little less than two hours, and I can say unequivocally that you are an asshole.
I love going to concerts. A few years ago, I’d see a concert every week or so. Then I lost my job, and my disposable income evaporated. This summer, I noticed that Smashing Pumpkins were playing a show here at the Wonder Ballroom. I was too young to see Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s, so this was my chance. Of course, I had no money, so I sold some of my clothes and ate nothing but rice and beans for two week to save up the $30 for a ticket.
At the show, I got a spot close to the stage to stand and see the band. Then, right after the show started, I met you. Or rather, you brushed up against me and managed to stand right in front of me. All six foot six of you. No matter how I contorted myself, the stage was a blur of bright light and the back of your head. By the time you muscled in front of me, the place was so packed that I had nowhere else to stand.
So instead of enjoying the one luxury that I sacrificed to experience, I’ve been writing this note which I will clandestinely place in your pocket in hopes you realize how much of an asshole you are. If there’s any justice, hell has a special corner for tall pricks like you.
Sincerely,
Marissa Hoffman
I am almost certain that you don’t know who I am. Frankly, I don’t really know much about you. You might work for Doctors Without Borders, aiding the injured in war-torn areas. For all I know, you are on the fast-track to sainthood. I’ve been aware of your presence for a little less than two hours, and I can say unequivocally that you are an asshole.
I love going to concerts. A few years ago, I’d see a concert every week or so. Then I lost my job, and my disposable income evaporated. This summer, I noticed that Smashing Pumpkins were playing a show here at the Wonder Ballroom. I was too young to see Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s, so this was my chance. Of course, I had no money, so I sold some of my clothes and ate nothing but rice and beans for two week to save up the $30 for a ticket.
At the show, I got a spot close to the stage to stand and see the band. Then, right after the show started, I met you. Or rather, you brushed up against me and managed to stand right in front of me. All six foot six of you. No matter how I contorted myself, the stage was a blur of bright light and the back of your head. By the time you muscled in front of me, the place was so packed that I had nowhere else to stand.
So instead of enjoying the one luxury that I sacrificed to experience, I’ve been writing this note which I will clandestinely place in your pocket in hopes you realize how much of an asshole you are. If there’s any justice, hell has a special corner for tall pricks like you.
Sincerely,
Marissa Hoffman
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wanted - Team of Graduate Students
Internationally-renowned blogger seeks a team of at least three graduate degree students to serve as interns. Group should consist of at least one Asian student (since all teams of graduate students should include one Asian person to give it an air of quality and legitimacy). Also, the group should have one reasonably attractive female student (to be the recipient of drunken passes from the blogger, which will be followed by hung-over but sincere apologies the next day. Apologies only apply if the drunken pass is not accepted, naturally.)
Essential functions of graduate intern team include:
• Responding to cease and desist emails in a way that sounds lawyerly but still expresses the necessary “fuck you.”
• Good marijuana locating skills for when the bloggger is out.
• The ability to recount depraved sexual acts, so that the blogger can post them when he is experiencing writer’s block.
• The skills necessary to repair the transmission on a 1993 Mazda B220 truck, which has been sitting idle in the blogger’s driveway for three months.
• Extensive knowledge of where to find frequently-updated, high-resolution internet pornography.
• Friendly relationships with people from Africa so the blogger can get a fucking web hit from the continent already.
• Web development skills, so the part in the “About Me” section of the blog that says that the postings are “original fiction” is in big, bright letters, perhaps with flashing lights around them.
• Yard work, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and other errands as necessary.
In lieu of money, graduate student interns will receive credit toward their graduate degree provided the students have professors stupid enough to allow their students to intern for an unemployed 30-something that publishes bullshit on the internet while in his underwear.
Email wmdivide@gmail.com if interested.
Essential functions of graduate intern team include:
• Responding to cease and desist emails in a way that sounds lawyerly but still expresses the necessary “fuck you.”
• Good marijuana locating skills for when the bloggger is out.
• The ability to recount depraved sexual acts, so that the blogger can post them when he is experiencing writer’s block.
• The skills necessary to repair the transmission on a 1993 Mazda B220 truck, which has been sitting idle in the blogger’s driveway for three months.
• Extensive knowledge of where to find frequently-updated, high-resolution internet pornography.
• Friendly relationships with people from Africa so the blogger can get a fucking web hit from the continent already.
• Web development skills, so the part in the “About Me” section of the blog that says that the postings are “original fiction” is in big, bright letters, perhaps with flashing lights around them.
• Yard work, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and other errands as necessary.
In lieu of money, graduate student interns will receive credit toward their graduate degree provided the students have professors stupid enough to allow their students to intern for an unemployed 30-something that publishes bullshit on the internet while in his underwear.
Email wmdivide@gmail.com if interested.
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