We now bring you live to Will Divide’s press conference.
[sounds of pictures being taken]
I’d like to thank you all for coming here. I’ve been working on this blog for nearly six months now. It has been at times trying, but it’s also been incredibly rewarding. It warms my heart to know that I was able to bring joy and consternation to the masses. That is why I announce with a heavy heart that as of today, I am retiring as a blogger.
It’s a long held axiom among successful athletes that you should retire before you are forced to leave due to ineffectiveness. Although I have been blogging at a high level for a long time, I want to retire on top, before my skills diminish. This concern is further exacerbated by my recent inability to find high-quality marijuana.
Some people will ask if it was all worth it. All I can say is that it has been an incredible ride. If my mostly estranged son Will Divide Jr. decides he wants to be a blogger, I would support his decision with pride.
Before anyone sheds a tear for me, understand that I take inspiration from those who came before me, men like Michael Jordan, Brett Farve, Richard Nixon, and Roger Clemens. All of these men realized that in order to affirm their greatness, they need to retire only to return (in some cases, multiple times). Nixon said, “You won't have Nixon to kick around any more,” only to return six years later for more kicking.
What does this all mean? Until I get busted for use of blog-enhancing drugs, I will continue to write this thing. Since daytime TV isn’t worth watching, I have nothing better to do with my mornings.
No comments:
Post a Comment