Vampires - Fact or Fiction, TV Special

This Monday at 8:00 PM, the Science Channel is proud to feature its latest special. Vampires are very popular right now with the Twilight books and movies, the HBO series True Blood, and the upcoming Tim Burton/Johnny Depp film Dark Shadows. Every tween girl and bored middle-aged wife wants a pale, sensitive vampire boyfriend for herself.

With that demographic in mind, we present to you our new hour special, “Vampires – Fact or Fiction?” Is it possible that people roam the earth avoiding sunlight and garlic, and biting people on the neck to turn them into vampires?

To explore the subject, we interviewed Raymond Hale in a dark room. Mr. Hale is the founder of the Vampire Research Institute. Apparently, his bachelor’s degree in biochemistry from UC Davis makes him uniquely qualified to be a vampire researcher. According to Hale, “we now have evidence that people who suffered from porphyria in the Middle Ages exhibited characteristics that we might consider vampire-like qualities. They were often pale and garlic makes their condition worse. Porphyria is currently treated with blood transfusions. It’s not unrealistic to think that people suffering from the disease in pre-modern times drank blood to alleviate symptoms.”

Of course, we could have interviewed actual medical professionals and university professors who could have used things like peer-reviewed journals and double-blind studies to prove that Mr. Hale assertions are totally baseless, but then we wouldn’t have 43 minutes of show to fill with actors pretending to be vampires while ominous music plays in the background and the announcer with the gripping voice asks hypothetical questions. Plus, we have to find some way to sell you Swiffer mops and cell phone bling.

We hope you tune in. Sure it’s bullshit, but we hope it’s compelling bullshit.

I ♥ Atheism

I’ve never been a very religious person. My family was Catholic, but they never practiced. Sure, we’d do Christmas and Easter, but that was mostly about Christmas trees and chocolate bunnies. We only attended church when Grandma came to visit.

After I moved to Portland, I started to hang out with my coworker Susan and her friends. Susan is a lot of fun and is the life of any party. That’s why it floored me to find out that she and most of her friends are Atheists. Even though I was never religious, I was brought up to believe that Atheists were somehow morally defective. Without God’s hand guiding you, what reason do you have not to rob, rape, and murder? Susan and her friends didn’t seem like the robbing and raping type. After talking with them about religion and Charles Darwin a couple of times, Atheism started to sound reasonable and rational. I determined that I was foolish to dismiss Atheism for my half-hearted belief in Catholicism and was ready to embrace Atheism.

It started with a Darwin bumper sticker on my car. I met Jeff in the parking lot of Safeway because he liked the bumper sticker, and we’ve been dating ever since. Jeff studied biology in college. His knowledge on evolution is amazing. I can listen to him talk about Darwin all day.

I now have several pictures of Darwin in my apartment and lots of Atheism t-shirts and trinkets. My new goal is to start a weekly study group where we can all get together and study Darwin. We’d all wear our favorite Atheism and Darwin t-shirts, read passages from The Origin of Species aloud, and have someone give a talk about how Darwin relates to contemporary issues. I think I might bake cookies for this.

New Interpol Album Leaks (Sort Of)

If I were to write a review of the last Interpol album Our Love to Admire (2007) for pitchfork.com, it would say something along the lines of, “Remember Interpol? They had that kick ass album Turn on the Bright Lights. It spawned a bunch of imitators, bands like The Editors and She Wants Revenge. Here’s the latest Interpol imitators – Interpol, with their album Our Love to Admire. And they’re not very good. I miss the real Interpol.”

Yesterday, I went trolling through the bowels and secret trading posts of the internet looking for music leaked before its official release date. This was a fruitful mission, as I discovered the new Arcade Fire album. (It’s good.) I also went looking for Interpol’s new self-titled album. Although I haven’t really liked an Interpol album since their first album from 2002, according to the band, the new album sounds like the first. I was cautiously optimistic.

So I was excited when I found it on a torrent. The first listen did not disappoint. No songs about doing too much coke or how great groupie head is. Instead, the album reflects Interpol getting back to what they do best – moody, minor chord rock.

Something was off though. For starters, none of the song titles are ever referenced in the songs. Also, I’d already heard the song “Lights,” and it wasn’t on the album. I was suspicious, so I used the Shazzam app on my phone to try to identify the song. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s not Interpol. It’s a Portuguese band named Uni_Form, with their album Mirrors.

So kudos to Uni_Form. Not only did they make a really good album, but they also found a novel way to use the internet to market it – by disguising it as Interpol to internet pirates.

A Career in Pronography

I know this sounds like bullshit, but I’ve never been that “into” internet porn. My imagination is a much better masturbatory aid than the internet could ever be. Just get me thinking about my girlfriend Heather in that nighty that’s a little too short for her….

While at the gym, my friend Craig mentioned that Heather looks remarkably like 70s nude model Roberta Pedon, only with smaller breasts. Craig seems to think everyone looks like someone from the 70s, but I was still curious. Maybe in addition to having a beautiful, smart, and fun girlfriend, I also have the object of 50 year-old guys’ teenage masturbatory fantasies.

I decided to see if I could find a picture of Ms. Pedon to see is Craig was right, so I typed retro porn into Google. The first link I clicked brought up a bunch of pop up windows. One of the pop-ups had the sound turned up and featured a man roughly having sex with a woman. I went to the window making noise so I could close it. The noise was coming from a video clip from what looked like the early 80s of a pregnant woman receiving anal sex.

At first I thought, “Who gets off on this stuff?” Then I looked closer at the woman. It was my mom! Worse yet, it looked like it was filmed a month or two before I was born.

I know mom had a rough time around the time in the early 80s, but I didn’t know she did pornography. Frankly, even though I’m covered by belly, I still feel violated. I was a porn actor before I was born. Needless to say, I’ll never look at internet porn again. I can’t imagine seeing anything more horrific.

Canada, by Will Divide Jr., Age 9

Canada is the country just north of the United States. If you look at Canada on a map, it looks like America’s hat. This is true even though Canada is much bigger than the US. It’s like the US is wearing a giant Cat in the Hat type hat, only it’s shaped funny.

Canada’s main exports are wood, technology, and hockey players. I would have thought that there is enough wood, technology, and hockey players in the US, but apparently the Canadians make them better.

Canada hosted the last Winter Olympics. There, the Canadians won a gold medal for curling, which I’m guessing is a game they just made up on the spot. I made up a game too. It’s called Grababo. Grababo involves chasing my dog Bo around until he falls over and I can grab him. I can’t wait for the Olympics to come back to the US. I am sure to win a gold medal at Grababo.

It can sometimes be hard to spot a Canadian because they look so much like us. The best way to figure out if someone is Canadian is to talk to them. First, ask if they are Canadian. They may say yes, but if they lie, get them to say the word “about.” They pronounce it “a boot,” like the things you put on a foot. I think they do this to sound better and more classy than us. The thing is they’re not. Did they invent the pizza bagel or the iPhone? No. We did. And we don’t have to mispronounce words to prove that we are better.

In conclusion, Canada may be bigger than us, but they are not better. They may be good at hockey and curling, but I’d like to see them grow a cactus outdoors.

A Hypothetical Question

Let’s say you’re a guy. And as a guy, you decide to write a blog as a lark. And let’s say that you decide that the blog might contain some vulgar or scandalous comments, the kind of thing you don’t want certain people to know came from you.

So let’s says you decide to come up with a pseudonym to give yourself some plausible deniability. Let’s say the pseudonym is something like Will Divide. And let’s say that you go on to publish under the Will Divide-like name for several months. And let’s say that you gain some devoted followers that do not know who you really are.

And let’s say that as a guy that you have a girlfriend. And you remember back to your days in school, when your teacher encouraged you to write what you know. So let’s say that you sometimes write blogs about said girlfriend, only you change the names of the “characters” to give yourself more plausible deniability. Let’s also say that some of the blogs about the girlfriend are of the vulgar or scandalous nature.

And let’s say that your girlfriend stumbles across the blog. And even though you used the Will Divide-like pseudonym, she can tell that you wrote the blog because she recognizes intimate details of her life. And let’s say that this pisses her off. A lot. Let’s also say that as punishment for writing the blog, said girlfriend decides to withhold sex from you. And let’s say that you, as a guy, really like sex. A lot. And that although you really like blogging, you are afraid that your already insufficiently-sized dick may atrophy to the point where you will never be able to have sex again.

Would you stop blogging?

In Defense of Joe Francis

America society is obsessed with celebrities. It’s how TMZ, VH-1, and countless magazines and tabloids make money. We especially love to build up celebrities only to revel in their downfall. Remember when everyone adored Brittney Spears? We couldn’t get enough of her. Then she did drugs and went crazy, and society watched in glee telling each other, “I told you so.” It seems that we don’t want to give anyone famous a break.

Take Joe Francis for example. When he first burst on the scene, everyone though he was amusing. It wasn’t like he was the brainchild of some evil puppet master. Joe Francis worked independently outside of the system. Nobody was doing what Joe Francis was doing when he started. It was original, and that’s part of the reason why he became so popular. In doing so, Joe Francis pioneered a genre. Lots of people have tried to replicate what he did, but no one has done it nearly as well. Why is he being vilified for this?

Joe Francis is an American icon. Parents (or at least the cool parents) should want their kids to grow up to be Joe Francis. After all, he’s rich and known throughout the world. It may be the 1000th time I’ve played it, but anytime I put on some of Joe Francis’ work, I still can’t help but crack a smile.

Oh wait. Did I say Joe Francis? I meant Black Francis. You know, the guy who was the lead singer of The Pixies. Isn’t Joe Francis the guy behind the Girls Gone Wild videos? Ok, forget what I said. Joe Francis is a dick.

Letter to Syndicated Sex Advice Columnist Dan Savage III

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The Lie

It was a little lie. Granted, it was stupid for me to tell it, but I didn’t think I would ever be called on it. I also didn’t think I’d have to talk to the police.

It started like many lies do, to impress the opposite sex. In this case, I was trying to impress my very attractive co-worker Emily. She and I work the same shift, and our breaks are at the same time. We were talking about the movie Life Is Beautiful, when Emily mentioned that she finds the Italian language to be sexy. I told her that I speak Italian, which made her eyes light up excitedly. I don’t speak Italian, so I sounded out a fractured mismatch of English and Spanish with a few “O”s at the end of words. The joy in her face made the lie worth it, or so I thought.

Last Tuesday I overheard, Emily say that she couldn’t understand the caller and she would transfer the call. “Dan, can you take this? I think it’s s an Italian speaker,” Emily asked me. I couldn’t understand anything the caller said either. After pretending to talk to him for a couple of minutes, I hung up and told Emily that he just needed an extra TV hooked up.

The caller was actually a recently-arrived undocumented immigrant from Brazil (speaking Portuguese, but that’s irrelevant). Apparently, two men in his shack lay dying from ingesting some chemical at work. Seeking help, the man called the only number he could find, which was our 800 number.

Now Emily knows I lied, two men are dead, and I have to speak to cops today at work. I’ll never lie again, unless it gets Emily to see me outside of work.

P&G Stock Tumbles After Web Video Surfaces

CINCINNATI, OH (Bloomberg) – Executives at Procter & Gamble (P&G) are in an uproar over a new YouTube video that appears to show Isaiah Mustafa, better know as “The Old Spice Guy” denigrating the product he famously pitches.

The ad campaign by the prestigious firm Wieden & Kennedy, which has become a huge hit with over 13 million views on YouTube features the attractive Mustafa in a towel explaining to women that their man can smell like him. As a result of the campaign, sales of P&G’s Old Spice Body Wash have increased over 300% in North America.

In the recently surfaced YouTube video, Mustafa is seen standing in line outside of an unidentified venue when he is approached by a female fan. Mustafa responds to an inaudible question by saying, “Old Spice smells [expletive] terrible. I would never wear it out in public. The pay is great, though.”

Release of the video and its dissemination Friday on social media sites like Twitter and Facebook have caused P&G stock to drop 20% to $48.56 per share. P&G succeeded in getting YouTube to remove the video.

“We have carefully studied the video and have determined it to be fake,” P&G spokeswoman Carol Fulton said. “The video’s creators used digital manipulation and a voiceover to make the video seem realistic. Our lawyers are looking into legal action.”

Mustafa could not be reached for comment, but his publicist Angela Stone released the following statement: “The YouTube video in question is a baseless attack on Isaiah. Since I’m a woman, I know for a fact that Isaiah uses Old Spice Body Wash because he wants to smell like a man. I buy Old Spice for my husband too. Although my husband does not look like Isaiah, I’m happy that he smells like him.”

A Recipe for Success for the Democratic Party

With all of the millions of dollars spent on elections, it amazes me that the Democratic Party hasn’t come to this realization. Republicans have been doing it for years and have been very successful at it. It’s a contributing factor to Fox News’ continued leadership in the ratings.

If you have cable, flip through the cable news channels with the mute button on and note what you see on screen. Consistently, Fox has an attractive woman on the screen. The other channels are hit and miss. Recently, the blogger of Atlas Shrugs Pamela Geller made the rounds of the TV news shows. Geller has an interesting take on politics. Among the things she has discussed in her blog is her belief that Barack Obama is the illegitimate child of Malcolm X, that a Senate vote in favor of heath care reform is a vote “to rape the American people,” and that Obama is “appeas[ing] his Islamic overlords.” Why is someone with such radical views allowed to appear on “mainstream” TV news shows? Have you guessed already that she’s hot?

Look, progressives are never going to be as popular as conservatives on TV and talk radio. Conservatives are more likely to enjoy heated rhetoric and unsubstantiated allegations than progressives, who are more likely to want facts and stats to back up their claims. Still, there are plenty of politically ignorant people who vote and watch cable news. Democrats should find attractive women among their ranks and send them off into the world of TV punditry. Rachel Maddow won’t cut it.

And while your at it Democrats, recruit more attractive candidates. If Alicia Witt ran against Scott Brown for the Seante from Massachusetts instead of Martha Coakley, Democrats would have two Senators from the state.

Viewer Mail

Recently, a post I wrote about how Adam Richman died generated the most comments ever - three! Today, I’d like to focus on the comments from the frequent comment poster Anonymous.

“not even true.” Correct. I have no evidence that Adam Richman is dead. You may have noticed the following:
• Nowhere else on the internet or in print media does anyone report that Richman is death.
• The site that claims that Richman is dead clearly states that the content is fiction. It’s not even in fine print; it states it in the about the author.

“He's still posting on Twitter.” Although I don’t use Twitter, I believe you. Of course, it’s also possible that a publicist or producer tweets as Richman. For better evidence of Richman’s non-demise, see the last paragraph.

“At least if you're going to attempt to spread hoaxes, like the leech you are, do some research.” To make the posting seem more plausible, I did look up stuff about Richman, like how he appeared in soap operas. Your point is that I should research so that I don’t publish things that are false. If I did that, however, it would cease to be a hoax. I’d just be publishing news, which means my blog wouldn’t be, “original fiction by the author.” Also, my readership would drop to 3.

“sick idiot.” I’m healthy, and every IQ test I’ve taken put me at borderline Mensa, which is pretty far from idiot on the intellectual scale. Looks like someone needs to do some research.

That’s what makes the internet great though – anyone can post anything anonymously. Frankly, I can’t really complain about an angry rant in my comments section. It gives me fodder when I can’t think of anything else to write for the day.

God has Cast You in 'The Real World'

One of the tenets of religion is that God loves you. I believe instead that God is sadistic and watches you screw up for his amusement. It's as though God has cast you in a giant episode of "The Real World." He then makes a big bowl of popcorn and sits in his comfy chair to watch you flail attempting to overcome the obstacles he put there.

In a previous post, we talked about how if you're having sex and have a hair in your mouth, all activity has to stop until you remove the hair. God could have let you wait until you were finished to remove the hair or let you swallow the hair. But he doesn't. Instead, he giggles as you helplessly pluck at a hair on your tongue while your partner waits frustrated.

If you thought that was funny, check out another one of God's big jokes. Let's say you're the head coach of an NFL football team. You have made it to the Super Bowl and are now one win away from having a street named after you. It's imperative that you are at the peak of your mental capability to help guide the team to victory. You could really use a good night's sleep. Yet, God has put your brain into overdrive and pumped your body full of adrenaline, making your night mostly sleepless. Instead of being a mental dynamo, you are hoping no one sees you stifling a yawn.

It doesn't just happen to celebrities. A big exam, job interview, or marriage proposal could cause you to be sleep deprived and off your game. Meanwhile, God sits in his cushy chair, mouth full of popcorn, laughing hysterically as he rewinds the TiVo to watch you fail again and again.

Thanks God.

Begging Made Easy

It’s difficult to panhandle for money. Most people aren’t willing to give their hard earned money to some stranger who could use it for illicit purposes. You have to endure all sorts of weather, and standing on your feet for hours on end can be terribly uncomfortable.

If you are going to ask strangers for money, you should maximize the amount of money that you make while doing it. Most panhandlers know this, but they still produce handwritten signs on cardboard. These signs are often difficult to read from passing cars, and the messages on the signs are often ignored. People that would be willing to give panhandlers money just pass by, meaning less beer, smack, or tinfoil hats for the hardworking panhandler.

That’s where we come in. At Maximo Consulting, we have the tools and know-how to get the most money out of strangers desperate to feel good about themselves. Step into one of our offices, and a Maximo representative will greet you immediately. After a short consultation, we’ll tell you where to stand, what to wear, and most importantly, provide you with a sign that will get people lining up to give you money. Our signs are professional, glossy, and use big, bright letters that will appeal to your target audience. (We even offer signs with flashing lights.) In addition, our signs have messages that resonate with people in your area – snarky comments for hipster neighborhoods and religious messages for churchy neighborhoods.

When your panhandling day is done, our representatives will turn your spare change into folding money, which most retailers prefer. All we require is 20% cut of your earnings.

Whether you’re mentally ill, addicted to drugs and alcohol, or just plain down on your luck, Maximo Consulting can help you maximize the money you earn.

Douchebag Is the New Black

Americans have also enjoyed making jokes about people that are different than “us.” Historically, black people were the targets of the humor. Later, it was determined by most people that it is not acceptable to make fun of an underclass if you are responsible for creating the underclass. The Chinese, Poles, the retarded, Jews, and Mexicans all were the target of jokes at one point but are not frequently anymore due to heightening moral standards.

For a while, it seemed acceptable to make “redneck” jokes. After all, rednecks are American white folks, so they should be fair game. Then people realized it might not be appropriate to poke fun of poor people for being unique and resourceful with duct tape.

So now who are we supposed to make jokes about? MTV has come close to answering that question with their show Jersey Shore. The only problem is that they use the term “Guido,” which historically refer to lower class Italians, so its lifecycle is limited. I prefer the term douchebag (or their female equivalent, the douchebaguette). Characteristics of the douchebag include: unnatural tans, excessive hair products, large SUVs, narcissism, clubbing, gold jewelry, and obsession with casual sex. They’re wealthy and white, so it’s ok to make fun of them. Let the mockery begin!

Did you hear that douchebags have established their own civil rights group?
It’s called the NAAOP. The National Association for the Advancement of Orange People.

How many douchebags does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1, but if it requires screwing, he’s liable to stick his dick in it.

What’s a douchbaguette’s exercise routine?
Stick two fingers down your throat. Repeat ad nauseam.

How does a douchebag create harmony?
By getting a hummer in a Hummer.

Who is the douchebag’s biggest hero?
Himself.

Craigslist Ad - Jobs - A Career in Entertainment

Are you a male between the ages of 18 and 24? Are you hot? Can you pull off the “bad boy” look? What about the “sensitive” type? Can you carry a tune, or at least do so with the help of Auto-Tune? Can you dance? Want to make a lot of money and have women around the world screaming fanatically at your presence?

Budding impresario looking for five young, attractive men to start a pop singing group. Boy bands have been big money makers in the past. Since the Jonas Brothers have taken a hiatus, we are currently in a lull. The market is ripe for a young male vocal group to take the world by storm, making millions off impressionable tweeners, young teen girls, and undersexed wives.

I will be holding tryouts next Saturday at 3:00 PM a location to be determined. After the five singers and two alternates are selected, we will begin a three-week intensive training program in my house. Training will consist of vigorous exercise, singing practice, dance classes, personality training, massage, nude wrestling, and other activities I deem necessary. All of the training will be administered by me.

Upon completion of training, we will film some youtube videos and begin an intensive internet viral marketing campaign. We will also start touring, performing impromptu concerts at shopping malls throughout Oregon and Washington.

Once your popularity starts to climb, I will leak to the internet some nude photos of you that I will take. This should provide us a lot of publicity and increase record sales. Tours of Europe and Japan will surely be in the offing after that.

What do you say? Fame and fortune are just an email away.

Adam Richman, Star of Man v. Food, Dead at 36

PORTLAND, OR (AP) – Adam Richman, star of the TV show Man v. Food, died after suffering a massive heart attack in his hotel room on Tuesday, his publicist said. He was 36.

In Richman’s Travel Channel show, he traveled around the US, profiling food establishments that specialize in large, traditional dishes. At the end of each episode, Richman would engage in an eating challenge, where he would attempt to eat a large or extremely spicy dish to win the restaurant’s contest. During the three seasons that the show aired, Richman successfully consumed six “Atomic” chicken wings in Pittsburgh, a 2 ½ pound deli sandwich with fries in Columbus, and two gallon sundae with whipped cream and toppings in San Francisco, among other challenges.

Richman was in Portland filming an episode of his show. While in Portland, Richman completed Buter’s Barbeque’s Texan Challenge. The challenge consisted of eating a whole barbequed chicken, a rack of pork ribs, a brisket sandwich, and a plate of fries. He completed the challenge in 39 minutes. Richman appeared well after the challenge, even slapping hands with other diners.

Richman prepared for each food challenge by exercising twice daily while on the road, fasting the day before the challenge, and ensuring that he was properly hydrated.

A New York native, Richman also worked as an actor, appearing in several daytime soap operas and an episode of Law and Order: Trial by Jury.

Dr. Norton Arnston, a nutritionist at Oregon Health Sciences University, said that he is not surprised by Richman’s early passing. “The human body is not designed to quickly consume large amounts of food. The stresses that he put his body through obviously caught up to him.”

According to his publicist, Richman’s funeral will feature an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Happy Birthday

I wish I could stay at Reed College, but I have to transfer. Even worse, I can’t tell my parents why.

My girlfriend Kelly’s birthday was during finals week. She was finished with school and packed all of her stuff to move out of her one-person dorm room. I still giggle every time I attend lecture in one of the classrooms we used as our clandestine love shack. Kelly is definitely kinkier than me, and sometimes her desires crossed the line. For her birthday though, I told Kelly that she can do whatever she wants. Unfortunately for me, she wanted me to dress as a woman so that she could fuck me with a strap-on dildo.

I got to her room and put on a dress and some makeup. I was surprised at how good I looked. Kelly seemed happy. She dimmed the lights, lit a few candles, and put on some Marvin Gaye. Then she went at me.

Anal penetration really hurt, causing my eyes to well. Still, I wanted to perform for Kelly’s birthday, so I tried being a good trooper. Then one of Kelly’s candles ignited a box of her stuff, causing the smoke detector to go off. Kelly tried to extinguish the fire. I tried turning off the alarm above the locked door, but someone opened the door, knocking me to the floor. It was Jan, the dorm’s resident advisor, making sure that we were ok. Behind Jan were the students from the floor making their way to the fire escape. Everyone saw everything – me on the floor in a dress with runny mascara and Kelly with a strap-on trying to smother the fire with a towel.

Reed may be a liberal school, but I can never show my face on campus again.

Found in My Spam Folder V

Phenomenal Investment Opportunity

Ever wonder what it would have been like to be able to purchase stock at the Initial Public Offering (IPO) for companies like Intel, Google, and Lockheed Martin? Investors that put forth a few thousand dollars could retire as multi-millionaires in just a couple of years!

I work for a company that is about to offer its common stock to the public in an IPO. Invest early, and you too can brag about being there in the beginning as you sip daiquiris from the deck of the boat that you bought with all the money you made!

Despite the weak economy, there are definite areas of market growth. One of these markets is environmentally responsible products. From hybrid cars to biodegradable snack chip bags, environmentally friendly products are becoming the norm for society. Our products are the industry leaders for environmental safety. Another growth industry is defense. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are not going away, and threats by Iran and North Korea intensify almost daily.

Did you know that the war in Iraq has done more damage to the environment that the Exxon Valdez and the spill in the Gulf of Mexico combined? Here at Green Weapon Systems (GWS) we take the environmental impact of military conflict seriously. From lead-free bullets, to low emission missiles, to mines that decompose into compost after three years, GWS is at the forefront of green military technology. (Also, we don’t test on animals.) Whether hunting slippery terrorists or just settling old grudges against impotent dictators, governments need not fear the environmental catastrophe they leave at the next war-torn hellhole.

GWS – Just because we’re trying to kill people does not mean we have to kill the planet.

The Tea Party Movement, By Will Divide Jr., Age 9

At first, I didn’t really get why adults are interested in Tea Parties. My neighbor Megan is always trying to get me to attend her Tea Party, which consists of her stuffed animals sitting in chairs drinking fake tea out of little plastic cups. Does this sound like fun to you? I have a Wii. The Wii has games where you can pretend to be Payton Manning, a guitar god, and a zombie killer. Do you know what the Will doesn’t have? A game where you pretend to drink tea, because pretending to drink tea is boring. No wonder no one likes girls!

I read on the internet about the Boston Tea Party. The people there threw a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor because they didn’t want to pay taxes on it. Adults are dumb. If the people wanted tea but didn’t want to pay taxes on it, they should have thrown it into a lake. That way, anytime they wanted iced tea, all they had to do was dip a ladle into the lake. Boston Harbor is connected to the Atlantic Ocean. It would take all of the tea in China to turn the ocean into iced tea, and even then it would be salty.

Today people join the Tea Party Movement because they want lower taxes and the government to get off their backs, which sounds reasonable to me. I want a jet pack. I bet if you asked most people in the Tea Party Movement, they’d say they want a jet pack too. I looked on the internet to find the head of the Tea Party Movement, but there isn’t one. So I am going to name myself, Will Divide Jr., the head of the Tea Party Movement. Free jet packs for everyone!

Bedroom Surprises

Being a 37 year old single woman isn’t easy. Single men my age are single for obvious reasons. Some of them never learned proper hygiene. Others think that the subject of an entertaining conversation is the success of their Orge in World of Warcraft. Of course there’s always the horribly unattractive bunch.

That’s why I tend to look for divorced guys. They have a good reason for being in their late 30s and single. Also, after having put up with ex-wives, divorced men are usually desperate for a woman to treat them decently.

Greg seemed like an ideal candidate for me. He got married at 21 and divorced last year. Greg’s very attractive and can easily pass for a man 10 years younger than he is. In conversation, Greg has a way of extracting humor from situations, which showed me that despite the divorce he still has an optimistic view of life. After several great makeout sessions, it was time to take it to the next level.

Before we got naked, Greg said he had something important to say to me. I started to freak out, preparing myself to hear that he is HIV+ or something. It turns out that Greg has a genetic defect called Antley-Bixler Syndrome, which makes his genetalia abnormally small. I asked him to pull down his pants, and there framed by two shapely thighs was a package that looked like it belonged on a cherub statue. I tried to be a good sport, so I played with it some, but I felt like a child molester. Luckily, Greg got off from this, so I excused myself with claims of early meetings, cleaned up, and went home.

I won’t ever see Greg again. I know that makes me shallow, but a woman has needs too.