A common aspect of blogging that I have not employed is live blogging. Live-blogging is when you take an event and blog short entries while it is happening. Since this blog is updated once daily, I decided to do live blogging as a guest on a friend’s blog. Here is the transcript of my live blog of having sex for the first time in 17 months.
9:37 PM –Katie and I have been very flirty. I think tonight’s the night.
9:41 PM – Katie secretly brushed her teeth. I think she’s planning to do some kissing. Oh shit, how is my breath?
9:44 PM – Great kissing. Katie doesn’t seem to mind my hand on her thigh. I’m going in for the kill.
9:45 PM – Katie asked me why I keep using my iPhone. I explained I’m dealing with a work emergency. (I’m actually updating this blog.) She apparently bought this.
9:52 PM – OMG Katie’s got nice breasts. I hope there’s not a puddle in my boxers.
9:57 PM – I have found the clit. At least I think I found it. Katie seems happy.
10:01 PM – I’m putting a condom on! It’s really happening. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
10:03 PM – I came. I was hoping to last longer, but what do you expect after 17 months of celibacy? I sure hope Katie’s ok with it.
10:07 PM – Katie is leaving. I thought she would stay the night. This is probably bad.
10:11 PM – Lonely and feeling like a failure. I wish I could delay coming, but it just felt too damn good.
10:27 PM – Drank a lot of Smirnov I had lying around. Not feeling lonely or like a failure. Not feeling anything but goooooood.
10:29 PM – Feeling something else now.
10:30 PM – Puking.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
High School Student Dies from "Vampire Bite"
PORTLAND, OREGON (AP) – Zachary Connor, 14, died last night from the effects of a massive tetanus infection he acquired after receiving a “vampire bite” from a high school classmate, officials at Providence Medical Center reported Tuesday.
Connor, who was a first-year student at Central Catholic High School, received a bite on the neck from a classmate sometime last week. The student that bit Connor is also being treated at Providence Medial Center after doctors determined that she was a carrier of the tetanus virus. Police have decided not to file charges and have not released her name.
School officials claim these attacks are common but that there is little school officials can do to prevent them. “Vampires are popular in youth culture,” Central Catholic Assistant Principal Mary O’Brien said. “Over the past year, we’ve seen numerous incidents of kids biting each other in the neck. It’s usually done among friends to show a form of ownership. One student we disciplined last year claimed that the bite doesn’t ‘count’ unless it draws blood.”
A classmate of Connor’s who asked not to be identified, added, “We all feel terrible about Zach. Everyone bites. It’s a way to show you love your friends. We thought the worst thing that could happen is that someone would turn into a vampire.”
Dr. Gordon Baker, a microbiology researcher at Oregon Health Sciences University, explained that human bites can have serious medical consequences. “The human mouth is full of bacteria, and introducing the pathogens to a person’s bloodstream through a bite puncture is an easy way to cause infection. The Connor case is not the first report of a person dying from a human bite in the medical literature.”
Connor is survived by his parents, grandparents, and two sisters. Funeral services are still pending.
Connor, who was a first-year student at Central Catholic High School, received a bite on the neck from a classmate sometime last week. The student that bit Connor is also being treated at Providence Medial Center after doctors determined that she was a carrier of the tetanus virus. Police have decided not to file charges and have not released her name.
School officials claim these attacks are common but that there is little school officials can do to prevent them. “Vampires are popular in youth culture,” Central Catholic Assistant Principal Mary O’Brien said. “Over the past year, we’ve seen numerous incidents of kids biting each other in the neck. It’s usually done among friends to show a form of ownership. One student we disciplined last year claimed that the bite doesn’t ‘count’ unless it draws blood.”
A classmate of Connor’s who asked not to be identified, added, “We all feel terrible about Zach. Everyone bites. It’s a way to show you love your friends. We thought the worst thing that could happen is that someone would turn into a vampire.”
Dr. Gordon Baker, a microbiology researcher at Oregon Health Sciences University, explained that human bites can have serious medical consequences. “The human mouth is full of bacteria, and introducing the pathogens to a person’s bloodstream through a bite puncture is an easy way to cause infection. The Connor case is not the first report of a person dying from a human bite in the medical literature.”
Connor is survived by his parents, grandparents, and two sisters. Funeral services are still pending.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
It's Tough Being a White Guy
There are lots of advantages to being a white male in America. Shop owners don’t feel as compelled to follow you in stores to see if you are shoplifting. You can drive an expensive car in any neighborhood in America and the cops won’t assume you stole it. You’re odds of being a politician, CEO, head coach of a professional sports team, or high-grossing movie star are greater than any other gender, ethnic, or racial combination.
These advantages are diminishing, though. White men’s string of 43 consecutive US Presidencies ended in 2009. Minority coaches have won championships in three of the four major US professional sports leagues. Also, by 2042, white people will make up less than 50% of the US population, making white men less than ¼ of the population. (There tend to be more women than men anyway, since men are more likely to die in wars and Darwin Award winning “hey check this out” stunts.)
Perhaps the worst part about being a white male these days is applying for a job. This is not due to affirmative action. Large employers don’t necessarily favor women and minority candidates; it’s just that when they hire these candidates, they like to trumpet how diverse they are. Look at a job application. They start gently, asking if you are a Hispanic. That’s usually followed with a question about ethnicity, then one about gender. As a white male, after you’re done filling that out, you’re left felling, “No, I’m not some pretty feather to put in your cap. I’m nothing special. I’m just a white guy.”
So next time you see a white guy, hold a door open for him, or let him merge into your lane. After all, white guys have been through a lot.
These advantages are diminishing, though. White men’s string of 43 consecutive US Presidencies ended in 2009. Minority coaches have won championships in three of the four major US professional sports leagues. Also, by 2042, white people will make up less than 50% of the US population, making white men less than ¼ of the population. (There tend to be more women than men anyway, since men are more likely to die in wars and Darwin Award winning “hey check this out” stunts.)
Perhaps the worst part about being a white male these days is applying for a job. This is not due to affirmative action. Large employers don’t necessarily favor women and minority candidates; it’s just that when they hire these candidates, they like to trumpet how diverse they are. Look at a job application. They start gently, asking if you are a Hispanic. That’s usually followed with a question about ethnicity, then one about gender. As a white male, after you’re done filling that out, you’re left felling, “No, I’m not some pretty feather to put in your cap. I’m nothing special. I’m just a white guy.”
So next time you see a white guy, hold a door open for him, or let him merge into your lane. After all, white guys have been through a lot.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Final Taboo
We’ve come a long way, baby. In 1960, NBC censored Tonight Show host Jack Paar’s joke that mentioned the phrase “water closet.” In 2010, NBC might tell Jay Leno not to tell a joke with the phrase “water closet,” not because it is indecent but because most of his audience won’t know what a “water closet” is.
Short of hardcore pornography, there isn’t much that is forbidden on TV. Showing taboo used to be limited to premium cable channels with their unedited movies and adult-themed original programming, but now regular cable networks like FX and AMC have gotten into the game. Shows like Mad Men have no qualms about using whatever language seems to suit the moment. Take this exchange in the elevator between Don Draper and Pete Campbell from last night’s episode. (I don’t have the transcript, so this is an approximation.)
Later in the same episode, Roger chastises Pete and uses the word “fuck.” At least I think he said, “fuck,” as AMC muted the word. “Shit,” which was on George Carlin's list of seven words you can’t say on TV now flies freely, but “fuck,” which was also on the list, is not allowed. Why is that? The show is already rated TV MA, and if you’re offended by the word “fuck,” you’ll probably find “shit” offensive too. It’s 2010. Shouldn’t “fuck” be allowed to have a place of prominence next to “shit” on prime time cable TV?
And while you’re at it, can you show a little tit?
Short of hardcore pornography, there isn’t much that is forbidden on TV. Showing taboo used to be limited to premium cable channels with their unedited movies and adult-themed original programming, but now regular cable networks like FX and AMC have gotten into the game. Shows like Mad Men have no qualms about using whatever language seems to suit the moment. Take this exchange in the elevator between Don Draper and Pete Campbell from last night’s episode. (I don’t have the transcript, so this is an approximation.)
DON: Shit on a shingle, Pete.
PETE: Shitty, shitty, shit, shit, shit, Don. Drinking, smoking, womanizing, and trying to hang onto the 50s before the hippies and civil rights era takes over, you shit-faced shit stain.
Later in the same episode, Roger chastises Pete and uses the word “fuck.” At least I think he said, “fuck,” as AMC muted the word. “Shit,” which was on George Carlin's list of seven words you can’t say on TV now flies freely, but “fuck,” which was also on the list, is not allowed. Why is that? The show is already rated TV MA, and if you’re offended by the word “fuck,” you’ll probably find “shit” offensive too. It’s 2010. Shouldn’t “fuck” be allowed to have a place of prominence next to “shit” on prime time cable TV?
And while you’re at it, can you show a little tit?
Friday, September 24, 2010
How to Help Your Favorite Sports Team
One of the most frustrating things about being a fan of team sports (besides the fact that your tam never wins) is that no matter how much you care, there’s nothing you can do to help the team win. Sure, you could buy expensive season tickets, but the revenue from that is merely a drop in a large bucket (and besides, your team could just spend the extra money on a big name wide receiver who underachieves). You can take the Steve Bartman approach and physically interfere with a ball being caught, but those opportunities are rare. Unless you can ice skate really fast, are 260 pounds of pure muscle, or can throw a 93 MPH fastball, there isn’t much you can do. Until now.
Inspiration for this approach comes from a non-team sport – golf. Once, Tiger Woods was the undisputed best player on the planet. Then it turned out that he liked to have sex with lots of different women that weren’t his wife. After the scandal, Woods couldn’t get a ball between Abe Lincoln’s legs in putt putt. Exposing extramarital affairs to the public is kryptonite to athletes.
So here’s what you need to do. Find out where the best player for your opposition hangs out. Then stalk the guy. Keep a digital camera on hand at all times, preferably with a great zoom on it. Then, take a picture of the athlete leaving the strip club at 2:00 AM with the big breasted blonde. Next, send the pictures to favorite sleazy media outlet (the Daily News for athletes in the New York area, TMZ for everywhere else), and watch your team paste the newly weakened opposition. Most male athletes have extramarital affairs, so this shouldn’t be difficult.
Sports fans, you’re welcome.
Inspiration for this approach comes from a non-team sport – golf. Once, Tiger Woods was the undisputed best player on the planet. Then it turned out that he liked to have sex with lots of different women that weren’t his wife. After the scandal, Woods couldn’t get a ball between Abe Lincoln’s legs in putt putt. Exposing extramarital affairs to the public is kryptonite to athletes.
So here’s what you need to do. Find out where the best player for your opposition hangs out. Then stalk the guy. Keep a digital camera on hand at all times, preferably with a great zoom on it. Then, take a picture of the athlete leaving the strip club at 2:00 AM with the big breasted blonde. Next, send the pictures to favorite sleazy media outlet (the Daily News for athletes in the New York area, TMZ for everywhere else), and watch your team paste the newly weakened opposition. Most male athletes have extramarital affairs, so this shouldn’t be difficult.
Sports fans, you’re welcome.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Recession is Over?
I went on Yahoo! the other day to check my email and saw a link to a story that said that economists declared the recession over. I don’t read a lot of news, but I think I do a good job of keeping up on current events. This just sounded preposterous to me, so I clicked on the link and read the first couple of paragraphs. It said something like although economists know that the country is still struggling, the recession is over. What’s more, they also said that the recession ended in June. Of 2009.
I’d like to know if economists get drug tested, because they are obviously smoking crack. Seriously? June of 2009? My wife was laid off in March and still can’t find work. My job at the auto parts factory cut all overtime, so I’ve had to take a second job at a convenience store. I now work more hours for less pay. My neighbor recently moved out and his house is in foreclosure. Our house isn’t worth what we paid for it.
The other day, I was on the bus talking to my co-worker Jerry. I told him that I want a job as an economist. I’m sure it pays well, and I know more about the economy than they do. The guy behind us interrupted us. He’s apparently an economics professor at the community college. The guy said that a recession happens when the economy is contracting. Although we haven’t dug out of the hole yet, he explained, the economy isn’t contracting anymore, so it isn’t in a recession. I told him that may be his definition, but I know w a recession when I see one.
I may not be the most informed person, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have an opinion.
I’d like to know if economists get drug tested, because they are obviously smoking crack. Seriously? June of 2009? My wife was laid off in March and still can’t find work. My job at the auto parts factory cut all overtime, so I’ve had to take a second job at a convenience store. I now work more hours for less pay. My neighbor recently moved out and his house is in foreclosure. Our house isn’t worth what we paid for it.
The other day, I was on the bus talking to my co-worker Jerry. I told him that I want a job as an economist. I’m sure it pays well, and I know more about the economy than they do. The guy behind us interrupted us. He’s apparently an economics professor at the community college. The guy said that a recession happens when the economy is contracting. Although we haven’t dug out of the hole yet, he explained, the economy isn’t contracting anymore, so it isn’t in a recession. I told him that may be his definition, but I know w a recession when I see one.
I may not be the most informed person, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have an opinion.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Response to Craigslist Ad in the W4M Section
Hi there,
After reading your craigslist ad in the W4M section, I think we would be a good match. Allow me to elaborate.
You said you like a man in uniform or a man that works with his hands. I actually qualify as both, since I work as a garbage collector, and wear a jumpsuit to work every day. I think I look pretty sharp in it (before it gets covered in gunk), as it does a good job to cover my belly.
Another thing you said you were looking for was a guy that does not have children. I had children, but the state has custody of them. I wasn’t a bad father or anything; I made sure that they had all their shots and got ice cream when they were good. It turns out though that if you use your children while committing a felony, you’re not allowed to keep them.
You mentioned that you are looking for a man with a sense of humor. I’m always cracking up my co-workers on the truck or at the dump. I collect old Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Although I do look at the pictures, I’m also interested in the writing. Specifically, I read the jokes on the back of the centerfold picture. Then, when the time is appropriate, I tell one of the jokes I’ve memorized from the magazines. Once I got in trouble for telling a dirty gay joke when a Fernando was present. That’s why I only tell jokes at appropriate times.
Although I don’t have a computer, I can write you back the next time I am at the library. My cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Eddie
After reading your craigslist ad in the W4M section, I think we would be a good match. Allow me to elaborate.
You said you like a man in uniform or a man that works with his hands. I actually qualify as both, since I work as a garbage collector, and wear a jumpsuit to work every day. I think I look pretty sharp in it (before it gets covered in gunk), as it does a good job to cover my belly.
Another thing you said you were looking for was a guy that does not have children. I had children, but the state has custody of them. I wasn’t a bad father or anything; I made sure that they had all their shots and got ice cream when they were good. It turns out though that if you use your children while committing a felony, you’re not allowed to keep them.
You mentioned that you are looking for a man with a sense of humor. I’m always cracking up my co-workers on the truck or at the dump. I collect old Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Although I do look at the pictures, I’m also interested in the writing. Specifically, I read the jokes on the back of the centerfold picture. Then, when the time is appropriate, I tell one of the jokes I’ve memorized from the magazines. Once I got in trouble for telling a dirty gay joke when a Fernando was present. That’s why I only tell jokes at appropriate times.
Although I don’t have a computer, I can write you back the next time I am at the library. My cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Eddie
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
How to Have a Long Life
People are always looking for ways to be healthy and live longer without having to subject themselves to the hardships of dieting and exercise. The internet is full of dubious ads telling you how to do this.
Luckily for us, we have empirical evidence on how to live longer. Rather than subject yourself to harsh exercise and bland food in small portions, all you have to do is ask those who have succeeded. The world is full of centenarian, and their habits are things that you can emulate in order to live longer.
Take Walter Breuning for example. Today is his 114th birthday, making him the oldest person alive. Breuning wakes up at 6:00 AM every morning and dresses every day in a suit. He claims that his biggest regret in life was not enlisting to fight in World War I.
Or you could look to 106 year-old Isa Blyth for guidance. Blyth is a regular church attendee and enjoys gardening and golf. She’s also a virgin, claiming to have never been kissed.
Then there’s Zhang Shuqing, who is 103. He credits his long life to a strict regiment of drinking strong liquor after every meal and smoking cigarettes. His grandson claims that he has consumed over 15 tons of liquor and a ton of tobacco in his lifetime.
The lesson to be learned here is that if you want to have a very long life, you should wake at 6, wear a suit daily, avoid war, got to church, garden, golf, refrain from sex, and smoke and drink like a frat boy during pledge week. If years of medical research seem like too much effort, a few pieces of anecdotal evidence may be your cup of tea.
Luckily for us, we have empirical evidence on how to live longer. Rather than subject yourself to harsh exercise and bland food in small portions, all you have to do is ask those who have succeeded. The world is full of centenarian, and their habits are things that you can emulate in order to live longer.
Take Walter Breuning for example. Today is his 114th birthday, making him the oldest person alive. Breuning wakes up at 6:00 AM every morning and dresses every day in a suit. He claims that his biggest regret in life was not enlisting to fight in World War I.
Or you could look to 106 year-old Isa Blyth for guidance. Blyth is a regular church attendee and enjoys gardening and golf. She’s also a virgin, claiming to have never been kissed.
Then there’s Zhang Shuqing, who is 103. He credits his long life to a strict regiment of drinking strong liquor after every meal and smoking cigarettes. His grandson claims that he has consumed over 15 tons of liquor and a ton of tobacco in his lifetime.
The lesson to be learned here is that if you want to have a very long life, you should wake at 6, wear a suit daily, avoid war, got to church, garden, golf, refrain from sex, and smoke and drink like a frat boy during pledge week. If years of medical research seem like too much effort, a few pieces of anecdotal evidence may be your cup of tea.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Why This Blog Post Sucks
It’s not easy coming up with new ideas to write about in this blog. Sometimes it can take me hours of web surfing to come up with some idea that I think would make for good blog fodder. Other times I come up with three good ideas in a day.
Last Friday was a struggle, but I finally came up with an idea that was suitable and posted it mere minutes before my self-imposed noon Pacific Time deadline. Satisfied with myself, I went about the rest of my day which involved masturbating, smoking pot, and drinking more whiskey than the USDA would recommend for a family of four for a month.
It was while drinking and smoking that I came up with the most brilliant idea for a blog post yet. The post was to be told from the perspective of a woman who has some biting and insightful things to say about male/female relationships. I shared this with my girlfriend, and she agreed that it would make perhaps the best Fashionable Amish entry yet, concluding with, “you’re so funny Will. I love you.” (I then slapped her firmly on the ass, which is my way of showing affection.)
Then, after drunkenly attempting fornication with my girlfriend which resulted in something resembling two recent stroke victims getting into a slap fight, I passed out in bed. Now, several days later, neither she nor I can remember the subject of what would have been the greatest blog post ever.
Sometimes I think I would be better at doing things if I would stop drinking. Then I worry that I would cease to be interesting if I were sober all the time. If drinking is my passport to being witty and fun, then get me on that plane, drink in hand.
Last Friday was a struggle, but I finally came up with an idea that was suitable and posted it mere minutes before my self-imposed noon Pacific Time deadline. Satisfied with myself, I went about the rest of my day which involved masturbating, smoking pot, and drinking more whiskey than the USDA would recommend for a family of four for a month.
It was while drinking and smoking that I came up with the most brilliant idea for a blog post yet. The post was to be told from the perspective of a woman who has some biting and insightful things to say about male/female relationships. I shared this with my girlfriend, and she agreed that it would make perhaps the best Fashionable Amish entry yet, concluding with, “you’re so funny Will. I love you.” (I then slapped her firmly on the ass, which is my way of showing affection.)
Then, after drunkenly attempting fornication with my girlfriend which resulted in something resembling two recent stroke victims getting into a slap fight, I passed out in bed. Now, several days later, neither she nor I can remember the subject of what would have been the greatest blog post ever.
Sometimes I think I would be better at doing things if I would stop drinking. Then I worry that I would cease to be interesting if I were sober all the time. If drinking is my passport to being witty and fun, then get me on that plane, drink in hand.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Penis Size
Women like big dicks. Sure if you have a cock that looks like a roll of bologna at the deli counter it might alarm women, but having a large piece of man meat from your crotch is something women will appreciate.
This does not describe me. I’m average size, probably around six inches (I haven’t measured it) and about the circumference of a quarter at the shaft. It’s not a handicap, but it’s nothing to write home about.
I like those commercial for Enzyte. You know the ones I’m talking about – where every woman gives the guy who uses Enzyte these knowing glances. I’m not an idiot; I know that Enzyte is as likely to cause my penis to grow as Flintstone’s Vitamins. Still, the commercial gave me an idea.
One day, while out drinking with the guys, I happened to mention an embarrassing story from college. As I walked out of my dorm room to the bathroom, my dick head peaked out from the leg hole of my boxers and a couple of women the floor saw it. (That event never happened.) My friend Dave then asked me how big my dick is. “I don’t know,” I replied, “maybe 11 or 12 inches.”
Fast forward to the next weekend. I’m at a party, and Dave’s wife’s friend Lisa is being extra friendly to me. I went back to her place afterward. At first I was afraid that Lisa would be disappointed by my lack of size, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she didn’t notice. Instead, I found out later that she bragged to her friends about how big I am. Now when I’m around friends, I get knowing glances all the time, just like in that Enzyte commercial. All because of my regular-sized big dick.
This does not describe me. I’m average size, probably around six inches (I haven’t measured it) and about the circumference of a quarter at the shaft. It’s not a handicap, but it’s nothing to write home about.
I like those commercial for Enzyte. You know the ones I’m talking about – where every woman gives the guy who uses Enzyte these knowing glances. I’m not an idiot; I know that Enzyte is as likely to cause my penis to grow as Flintstone’s Vitamins. Still, the commercial gave me an idea.
One day, while out drinking with the guys, I happened to mention an embarrassing story from college. As I walked out of my dorm room to the bathroom, my dick head peaked out from the leg hole of my boxers and a couple of women the floor saw it. (That event never happened.) My friend Dave then asked me how big my dick is. “I don’t know,” I replied, “maybe 11 or 12 inches.”
Fast forward to the next weekend. I’m at a party, and Dave’s wife’s friend Lisa is being extra friendly to me. I went back to her place afterward. At first I was afraid that Lisa would be disappointed by my lack of size, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she didn’t notice. Instead, I found out later that she bragged to her friends about how big I am. Now when I’m around friends, I get knowing glances all the time, just like in that Enzyte commercial. All because of my regular-sized big dick.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Letter to Grandma, by Will Divide, Jr., Age 10
Dear Grandma Amy,
Thank you for the sweater you gave me for my birthday. I’m sure it would be great to wear at school, but they are making us wear uniforms, so I would get in trouble if I wore it to school. You don’t want me to get in trouble, do you? I could wear it during evenings, but mom makes me keep the uniform on so she doesn’t have to do more laundry. On weekends I usually wear a hoodie. The only time I would wear the sweater is when you see me on Thanksgiving, and I already have a sweater for that holiday – the one you gave me last year.
For my birthday next year, would it be possible for you to get me a game for the Xbox 360? I know you don’t like buying me games because you don’t know what I have already, but I’ll make it easy on you. Look for any game with a black and white “M” on it. Since I am 10, I’m too young to be allowed to buy the games, but you are not. The new Halo just game out, and I think I would be very good at it, but because it has an “M” rating, Game Stop won’t sell it to me.
If you don’t want to buy me a game, you could always send me money. Just make sure it’s $10 more than the price of a video game. That way, I can give the extra money to my dad (real dad, not the guy mom’s dating), and he can buy it for me. Then on the way home, he can buy a bottle of what he calls “rot gut,” and we can both have fun for the evening.
Love you,
Will Divide, Jr.
Thank you for the sweater you gave me for my birthday. I’m sure it would be great to wear at school, but they are making us wear uniforms, so I would get in trouble if I wore it to school. You don’t want me to get in trouble, do you? I could wear it during evenings, but mom makes me keep the uniform on so she doesn’t have to do more laundry. On weekends I usually wear a hoodie. The only time I would wear the sweater is when you see me on Thanksgiving, and I already have a sweater for that holiday – the one you gave me last year.
For my birthday next year, would it be possible for you to get me a game for the Xbox 360? I know you don’t like buying me games because you don’t know what I have already, but I’ll make it easy on you. Look for any game with a black and white “M” on it. Since I am 10, I’m too young to be allowed to buy the games, but you are not. The new Halo just game out, and I think I would be very good at it, but because it has an “M” rating, Game Stop won’t sell it to me.
If you don’t want to buy me a game, you could always send me money. Just make sure it’s $10 more than the price of a video game. That way, I can give the extra money to my dad (real dad, not the guy mom’s dating), and he can buy it for me. Then on the way home, he can buy a bottle of what he calls “rot gut,” and we can both have fun for the evening.
Love you,
Will Divide, Jr.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder VIII
It can be the difference between getting a job and being unemployed. You’re potential mate may decide that your not the won. Friend’s may openly mock you behind you’re back.
People take four granted the importance of proper use of: spelling punctuation and grammar. Its not taught in schools like it used too bee. Educator’s just assume that MS Word will fix all the errors. We’ll, MS Words spelling and grammar check is imperfect. Those errors can effect your ability two succeed in life.
At Timony Industries, we no the importance of how you present your self to the world, and that: spelling grammar and punctuation play a big part in it. Thats why we’ve introduced are new Ret service. Ret stands for Retired English Teacher. Simply email you’re correspondence to are Ret service first, and four a small fee won of are experienced professionals will correct the error’s. Have problem with making sure that subject and verbs agree? Your Ret expert will fix it. Don’t know when using accept or except is exceptable? Their’s a retired english teacher they’re two assist you. Their even they’re to help you if you don’t know when to use: their they’re or there.
Timony Industries new Ret program is the crutch you need too make you’re message stand out, and not bee bogged down by improper: spelling grammar and punctuation. When you were in school you’re english teacher was always their to help you out. Why not still use there wisdom.
The Ret program starts next month. I four won can’t wait two use it.
People take four granted the importance of proper use of: spelling punctuation and grammar. Its not taught in schools like it used too bee. Educator’s just assume that MS Word will fix all the errors. We’ll, MS Words spelling and grammar check is imperfect. Those errors can effect your ability two succeed in life.
At Timony Industries, we no the importance of how you present your self to the world, and that: spelling grammar and punctuation play a big part in it. Thats why we’ve introduced are new Ret service. Ret stands for Retired English Teacher. Simply email you’re correspondence to are Ret service first, and four a small fee won of are experienced professionals will correct the error’s. Have problem with making sure that subject and verbs agree? Your Ret expert will fix it. Don’t know when using accept or except is exceptable? Their’s a retired english teacher they’re two assist you. Their even they’re to help you if you don’t know when to use: their they’re or there.
Timony Industries new Ret program is the crutch you need too make you’re message stand out, and not bee bogged down by improper: spelling grammar and punctuation. When you were in school you’re english teacher was always their to help you out. Why not still use there wisdom.
The Ret program starts next month. I four won can’t wait two use it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Response to My Craigslist Ad
Recently, a commenter recommended that I put my post requesting a team of graduate students on Craigslist. Knowing good advice when I see it, I posted an ad in the Jobs – Writing/Editing section and was surprised by the volume of response that I received. Here’s a small sample.
“I am a grad student at PSU and have two friends also enrolled. Collectively, we are looking for a good internship. One of my friends is a very attractive woman. My only concern is that we do not have any Asians in the group. I do have short, black hair and maintain a deep tan year round. If I promise to squint a lot, would you be willing to consider us?”
“Hey man. You want to buy some pot? I got the shit. Sour diesel grown hydroponic for Eugene. Just give me a call at [redacted].”
“You are a racist, sexist asshole. Requesting women or Asian people specifically for a job is illegal. It’s so frustrating that white men like me get discriminated against all the time.”
“Would you rather have more than enough to get the job done or fall short? Our methods are guaranteed to increase your penis size 1-3 inches.”
“I’m an assistant professor of sociology from the University of Portland. Although I do not work with graduate students, I would be willing to consider letting an undergrad intern with you. I think letting a student observe how a degenerate loser manages to live day-to-day would make for a good sociological research study.”
“How is it possible that you’re unemployed when the demand in the job market is so high for porn enthusiasts and pot smokers. Do you smell or something?”
“That’s funny. I’m going to recommend you for ‘Best of Craigslist.’ For me to poop on!”
Monday, September 13, 2010
Letter to the Guy at the Smashing Pumpkins Show
Dear Sir,
I am almost certain that you don’t know who I am. Frankly, I don’t really know much about you. You might work for Doctors Without Borders, aiding the injured in war-torn areas. For all I know, you are on the fast-track to sainthood. I’ve been aware of your presence for a little less than two hours, and I can say unequivocally that you are an asshole.
I love going to concerts. A few years ago, I’d see a concert every week or so. Then I lost my job, and my disposable income evaporated. This summer, I noticed that Smashing Pumpkins were playing a show here at the Wonder Ballroom. I was too young to see Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s, so this was my chance. Of course, I had no money, so I sold some of my clothes and ate nothing but rice and beans for two week to save up the $30 for a ticket.
At the show, I got a spot close to the stage to stand and see the band. Then, right after the show started, I met you. Or rather, you brushed up against me and managed to stand right in front of me. All six foot six of you. No matter how I contorted myself, the stage was a blur of bright light and the back of your head. By the time you muscled in front of me, the place was so packed that I had nowhere else to stand.
So instead of enjoying the one luxury that I sacrificed to experience, I’ve been writing this note which I will clandestinely place in your pocket in hopes you realize how much of an asshole you are. If there’s any justice, hell has a special corner for tall pricks like you.
Sincerely,
Marissa Hoffman
I am almost certain that you don’t know who I am. Frankly, I don’t really know much about you. You might work for Doctors Without Borders, aiding the injured in war-torn areas. For all I know, you are on the fast-track to sainthood. I’ve been aware of your presence for a little less than two hours, and I can say unequivocally that you are an asshole.
I love going to concerts. A few years ago, I’d see a concert every week or so. Then I lost my job, and my disposable income evaporated. This summer, I noticed that Smashing Pumpkins were playing a show here at the Wonder Ballroom. I was too young to see Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s, so this was my chance. Of course, I had no money, so I sold some of my clothes and ate nothing but rice and beans for two week to save up the $30 for a ticket.
At the show, I got a spot close to the stage to stand and see the band. Then, right after the show started, I met you. Or rather, you brushed up against me and managed to stand right in front of me. All six foot six of you. No matter how I contorted myself, the stage was a blur of bright light and the back of your head. By the time you muscled in front of me, the place was so packed that I had nowhere else to stand.
So instead of enjoying the one luxury that I sacrificed to experience, I’ve been writing this note which I will clandestinely place in your pocket in hopes you realize how much of an asshole you are. If there’s any justice, hell has a special corner for tall pricks like you.
Sincerely,
Marissa Hoffman
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wanted - Team of Graduate Students
Internationally-renowned blogger seeks a team of at least three graduate degree students to serve as interns. Group should consist of at least one Asian student (since all teams of graduate students should include one Asian person to give it an air of quality and legitimacy). Also, the group should have one reasonably attractive female student (to be the recipient of drunken passes from the blogger, which will be followed by hung-over but sincere apologies the next day. Apologies only apply if the drunken pass is not accepted, naturally.)
Essential functions of graduate intern team include:
• Responding to cease and desist emails in a way that sounds lawyerly but still expresses the necessary “fuck you.”
• Good marijuana locating skills for when the bloggger is out.
• The ability to recount depraved sexual acts, so that the blogger can post them when he is experiencing writer’s block.
• The skills necessary to repair the transmission on a 1993 Mazda B220 truck, which has been sitting idle in the blogger’s driveway for three months.
• Extensive knowledge of where to find frequently-updated, high-resolution internet pornography.
• Friendly relationships with people from Africa so the blogger can get a fucking web hit from the continent already.
• Web development skills, so the part in the “About Me” section of the blog that says that the postings are “original fiction” is in big, bright letters, perhaps with flashing lights around them.
• Yard work, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and other errands as necessary.
In lieu of money, graduate student interns will receive credit toward their graduate degree provided the students have professors stupid enough to allow their students to intern for an unemployed 30-something that publishes bullshit on the internet while in his underwear.
Email wmdivide@gmail.com if interested.
Essential functions of graduate intern team include:
• Responding to cease and desist emails in a way that sounds lawyerly but still expresses the necessary “fuck you.”
• Good marijuana locating skills for when the bloggger is out.
• The ability to recount depraved sexual acts, so that the blogger can post them when he is experiencing writer’s block.
• The skills necessary to repair the transmission on a 1993 Mazda B220 truck, which has been sitting idle in the blogger’s driveway for three months.
• Extensive knowledge of where to find frequently-updated, high-resolution internet pornography.
• Friendly relationships with people from Africa so the blogger can get a fucking web hit from the continent already.
• Web development skills, so the part in the “About Me” section of the blog that says that the postings are “original fiction” is in big, bright letters, perhaps with flashing lights around them.
• Yard work, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and other errands as necessary.
In lieu of money, graduate student interns will receive credit toward their graduate degree provided the students have professors stupid enough to allow their students to intern for an unemployed 30-something that publishes bullshit on the internet while in his underwear.
Email wmdivide@gmail.com if interested.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lady Gaga vs. Madonna on Twitter
@ladygaga: My Glastonbury performance was my best. Nobody’s ever done the stuff I did. 12:43 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: Don’t flatter yourself @ladygaga. Been there, done that. 1:38 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: @Madonna is a hypocrite. After all of her plastic surgery, there isn’t any part of @Madonna that‘s original. 1:43 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: I’ve been at it for 30 years. @ladygaga does the same thing I do for two years and is suddenly huge? What’s next - lacy, fingerless gloves? 2:02 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: Lacy gloves were cool in 1984. Which was also the last time @Madonna was cool. 2:09 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: My last tour made almost $200 mil. The @ladygaga tour with @kanyewest was cancelled due to poor ticket sales. 3:11 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: I’m glad @Madonna has a lot of money. She can retire somewhere with her husband Sean Penn. No wait, it’s Guy Ritchie. Or is it Alex Rodriguez? 3:22 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: If @ladygaga wants to be like me, she should try to marry one of my exs. Of course, they’d reject her, since no self-respecting man would want @ladygaga. 3:59 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: While some of us work, others like @Madonna go around the world collecting kids. What’s wrong, your nanny doesn’t like white babies? 4:08 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: Picking on my kids is low. Even for @ladygaga. 4:13 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@Madonna: @ladygaga can suck my dick. Hold on, I don’t have a dick. Unlike @ladygaga. 4:15 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@Madonna: Don’t flatter yourself @ladygaga. Been there, done that. 1:38 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: @Madonna is a hypocrite. After all of her plastic surgery, there isn’t any part of @Madonna that‘s original. 1:43 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: I’ve been at it for 30 years. @ladygaga does the same thing I do for two years and is suddenly huge? What’s next - lacy, fingerless gloves? 2:02 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: Lacy gloves were cool in 1984. Which was also the last time @Madonna was cool. 2:09 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: My last tour made almost $200 mil. The @ladygaga tour with @kanyewest was cancelled due to poor ticket sales. 3:11 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: I’m glad @Madonna has a lot of money. She can retire somewhere with her husband Sean Penn. No wait, it’s Guy Ritchie. Or is it Alex Rodriguez? 3:22 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: If @ladygaga wants to be like me, she should try to marry one of my exs. Of course, they’d reject her, since no self-respecting man would want @ladygaga. 3:59 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@ladygaga: While some of us work, others like @Madonna go around the world collecting kids. What’s wrong, your nanny doesn’t like white babies? 4:08 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for Blackberry®
@Madonna: Picking on my kids is low. Even for @ladygaga. 4:13 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
@Madonna: @ladygaga can suck my dick. Hold on, I don’t have a dick. Unlike @ladygaga. 4:15 PM Sep 3 via Twitter for iPhone®
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Growing Up to Be a Pervert
As an eighteen year-old, I remember listening to this song called, “I’m an Adult Now” by a Canadian band named “Pursuit of Happiness,” (which is ironic, since their band is named after a famous phrase from the US Declaration of Independence. But I digress.) The song had a lyric that haunted my youthful mind:
Most young adults, when worrying thinking about what their lives will be like when they are in their 30s and 40s, think about married life, their kids, their homes, and their careers. I feared I would be a pervert. My right hand and a Playboy magazine were constant companions. Like the talent scouts for Playboy, I liked my women young. Flawless complexions, supple bottoms, and healthy hair did it for me. At the same time, I didn’t find women over 30 attractive. No matter how much makeup a woman wore, it couldn’t cover up saggy breasts and crows feet. I knew I would have to become very rich early so that as I got older, I could date a succession of pretty 20-somethings, dumping them by the age of 29.
Unfortunately for me, the huge piles of money never materialized, nor did the string of young ladies. Luckily, my tastes did mature. I find women my age and a little older to be very attractive. Women don’t age, they refine. For that matter, young women don’t do it for me anymore. They look like children. What’s worse, they act like children too, with shallow priorities and petty fights with friends and family.
They even have a form of porn for people like me. It’s called MILF, which I enjoy regularly. Which makes me a pervert.
I guess I was right.
I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Most young adults, when worrying thinking about what their lives will be like when they are in their 30s and 40s, think about married life, their kids, their homes, and their careers. I feared I would be a pervert. My right hand and a Playboy magazine were constant companions. Like the talent scouts for Playboy, I liked my women young. Flawless complexions, supple bottoms, and healthy hair did it for me. At the same time, I didn’t find women over 30 attractive. No matter how much makeup a woman wore, it couldn’t cover up saggy breasts and crows feet. I knew I would have to become very rich early so that as I got older, I could date a succession of pretty 20-somethings, dumping them by the age of 29.
Unfortunately for me, the huge piles of money never materialized, nor did the string of young ladies. Luckily, my tastes did mature. I find women my age and a little older to be very attractive. Women don’t age, they refine. For that matter, young women don’t do it for me anymore. They look like children. What’s worse, they act like children too, with shallow priorities and petty fights with friends and family.
They even have a form of porn for people like me. It’s called MILF, which I enjoy regularly. Which makes me a pervert.
I guess I was right.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Protesters
The housing crisis has been difficult on those of us that work in construction. Just five years ago, we turned down work because we had too much of it. Now the work is sporadic at best.
Even though it takes me over an hour to get from my home in Nashville to the jobsite in Shelbyville, I’m happy to be working on the First Baptist Church expansion. It’s been over a month since the last job, which feels like an eternity during the summer months. The expanded facilities they’re adding are pretty basic stuff, and the church members leave us alone f or the most part. One day, a lady brought us all sandwiches. They were awful (how can you screw up a ham sandwich?), but the sentiment was nice, so I chose not to complain.
Then yesterday, something unusual happened. We had protesters! And not just any protesters. It was four Muslim teenagers from Murfreesboro. They held signs, and one of them shouted into a bullhorn, “Christian churches encourage violence. We peace-loving Muslims condemn the expansion of Christianity. Do you know who started the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? George W. Bush. That’s right – a Christian. Christianity is un-American. Christians are trying to establish Christianity as the national religion, which is clearly a violation of our most fundamental rights established in the First Amendment. All freedom and liberty-loving Americans should denounce Christianity by putting an end to its expansion, right here in Tennessee!”
The media eventually showed up to cover the event and I got on TV! It was obviously meant as a satire against the new Mosque being built in Murfreesboro, but some of the locals didn’t see it that way and got really upset. I was just happy to break up the monotony.
Even though it takes me over an hour to get from my home in Nashville to the jobsite in Shelbyville, I’m happy to be working on the First Baptist Church expansion. It’s been over a month since the last job, which feels like an eternity during the summer months. The expanded facilities they’re adding are pretty basic stuff, and the church members leave us alone f or the most part. One day, a lady brought us all sandwiches. They were awful (how can you screw up a ham sandwich?), but the sentiment was nice, so I chose not to complain.
Then yesterday, something unusual happened. We had protesters! And not just any protesters. It was four Muslim teenagers from Murfreesboro. They held signs, and one of them shouted into a bullhorn, “Christian churches encourage violence. We peace-loving Muslims condemn the expansion of Christianity. Do you know who started the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? George W. Bush. That’s right – a Christian. Christianity is un-American. Christians are trying to establish Christianity as the national religion, which is clearly a violation of our most fundamental rights established in the First Amendment. All freedom and liberty-loving Americans should denounce Christianity by putting an end to its expansion, right here in Tennessee!”
The media eventually showed up to cover the event and I got on TV! It was obviously meant as a satire against the new Mosque being built in Murfreesboro, but some of the locals didn’t see it that way and got really upset. I was just happy to break up the monotony.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder VII
Hi, I’m Alex Winter. You may remember me from such films as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Actually, that’s about it. Although I made good money off of those films 20 years ago, that money is long gone to skeevy ex-wives and thieving former business managers. Sure, sometimes people buy my movies on DVD and they sometimes play a Bill and Ted movie on late-night cable, but the royalty checks don’t pay my rent, let alone all the accoutrements needed to keep a washed-up Hollywood star happy.
The last decade was a period of optimism for me. TV was full of the formerly famous being “themselves” on reality TV. I was especially enamored with the shows featuring Anna Nicole Smith, The Osbournes, and Paula Abdul, because I can do what they did. I like drugs. I can do a bunch of drugs, stumble around, slur my words, and have a camera crew follow me as I go to the convenience store or the bar. I tried pitching this idea to several producers to no avail.
Then I came up with a better idea. Screw reality TV. What if you could have actual reality? For $500 and some drugs, I will come to your party or gathering. There you can see me in person slurring my words and stumbling about. Plus, rather than just laughing at a TV screen, you can actively humiliate me. Make me say, “excellent,” or “bogus,” or “69 dude!” and ask me questions about Keanu Reeves. When I’m fucked up, I really don’t care.
Look, prostitutes won’t give you freebees, even if you are famous. Help a guy out. Host your own reality TV show featuring Alex Winter.
The last decade was a period of optimism for me. TV was full of the formerly famous being “themselves” on reality TV. I was especially enamored with the shows featuring Anna Nicole Smith, The Osbournes, and Paula Abdul, because I can do what they did. I like drugs. I can do a bunch of drugs, stumble around, slur my words, and have a camera crew follow me as I go to the convenience store or the bar. I tried pitching this idea to several producers to no avail.
Then I came up with a better idea. Screw reality TV. What if you could have actual reality? For $500 and some drugs, I will come to your party or gathering. There you can see me in person slurring my words and stumbling about. Plus, rather than just laughing at a TV screen, you can actively humiliate me. Make me say, “excellent,” or “bogus,” or “69 dude!” and ask me questions about Keanu Reeves. When I’m fucked up, I really don’t care.
Look, prostitutes won’t give you freebees, even if you are famous. Help a guy out. Host your own reality TV show featuring Alex Winter.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Being Gay Is Better Than Being Straight
Being heterosexual isn’t easy. For starters, Drew Barrymore keeps making romantic comedies that elevate male/female relationships to levels no self-respecting hetero couple could ever live up to. Then there’s the whole public display of affection question. It’s generally accepted that gay couples restrict the PDAs to private time, gay bars, etc. Hetero couples have to make the determination of what’s acceptable in public. Holding hands? Kissing? Making out? Humping wildly?
The biggest thing gay couples have over straight couples is that they don’t have to decipher the mysteries of the opposite sex. For example, women will get mad at something a guy did, not tell him what he did wrong, and then expect the guy to figure it out. Men don’t do that to each other. (“Gary, that last shit you took clogged the toilet. Don’t just fucking leave it there. At least have the decency to use the fucking plunger.” “I’m sorry Ted. I still love you.”)
Men are really easy to understand, but women never seem to be able to figure men out. There are only two things men need to be happy –his ego stroked and his dick wet. It’s not that difficult. Women, if you want to keep your man, all you have to do is have sex with him. Afterwards, even if the sex was sub-par, tell him, “Oh my god! That was the best sex ever. I think I came like 17 times!” Wet penis + stroked ego = happy man. Strippers and prostitutes know this. Gay men know this. Regular women don’t for some reason.
This is why I wish I were gay. My boyfriend and I could sit around all day on Sunday watching football. When halftime came, we’d fuck. How perfect is that? If only I found men attractive!
The biggest thing gay couples have over straight couples is that they don’t have to decipher the mysteries of the opposite sex. For example, women will get mad at something a guy did, not tell him what he did wrong, and then expect the guy to figure it out. Men don’t do that to each other. (“Gary, that last shit you took clogged the toilet. Don’t just fucking leave it there. At least have the decency to use the fucking plunger.” “I’m sorry Ted. I still love you.”)
Men are really easy to understand, but women never seem to be able to figure men out. There are only two things men need to be happy –his ego stroked and his dick wet. It’s not that difficult. Women, if you want to keep your man, all you have to do is have sex with him. Afterwards, even if the sex was sub-par, tell him, “Oh my god! That was the best sex ever. I think I came like 17 times!” Wet penis + stroked ego = happy man. Strippers and prostitutes know this. Gay men know this. Regular women don’t for some reason.
This is why I wish I were gay. My boyfriend and I could sit around all day on Sunday watching football. When halftime came, we’d fuck. How perfect is that? If only I found men attractive!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Am Not a Serial Killer
If you want a cross section of what’s popular in entertainment, check out the original programming on the premium cable channels. People are interested in vampires (HBO’s “True Blood”), they are fascinated with pot (Showtime’s “Weeds”), and they also seem to like women who rebel against their place in society (Showtime’s “Weeds,” The Big C,” “Nurse Jackie,” “United States of Tara” among others).
Another popular theme in entertainment, as demonstrated by premium cable, is serial killers, as evidenced by Showtime’s “Dexter.” The premise of the show is that Dexter’s father recognized he would be a serial killer, so his father trained Dexter to be a serial killer of righteousness.
Good dramas make you question whether you are like the deviant protagonist. For example, after watching “The L Word,” I thought about if I were a lesbian or not. (I do have a thing for women, but my genitals are too external to be a lesbian.)
I do know though that I could never be a serial killer. Researchers say that there are three characteristics common to most serial killers. As children, they: wet their bed, started fires, and tortured small animals.
I never wet the bed or started fires. And I would never hurt an animal. Some kids used magnifying glasses to harness the sun’s energy to fry ants. I could never even step on one. I had visions of a crying ant family, as they patriarch failed to return home after a day of foraging. The lead story on the ant news that evening would be the continuing violence against ants by adolescent humans, with a thorough recounting of all the comrades that had lost their lives to size-4 Nikes.
I guess this makes me a freak. But at least I am not a serial killer.
Another popular theme in entertainment, as demonstrated by premium cable, is serial killers, as evidenced by Showtime’s “Dexter.” The premise of the show is that Dexter’s father recognized he would be a serial killer, so his father trained Dexter to be a serial killer of righteousness.
Good dramas make you question whether you are like the deviant protagonist. For example, after watching “The L Word,” I thought about if I were a lesbian or not. (I do have a thing for women, but my genitals are too external to be a lesbian.)
I do know though that I could never be a serial killer. Researchers say that there are three characteristics common to most serial killers. As children, they: wet their bed, started fires, and tortured small animals.
I never wet the bed or started fires. And I would never hurt an animal. Some kids used magnifying glasses to harness the sun’s energy to fry ants. I could never even step on one. I had visions of a crying ant family, as they patriarch failed to return home after a day of foraging. The lead story on the ant news that evening would be the continuing violence against ants by adolescent humans, with a thorough recounting of all the comrades that had lost their lives to size-4 Nikes.
I guess this makes me a freak. But at least I am not a serial killer.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder VI
Treatments for male maladies advertised in infomercials and internet ads all have something in common – they are designed to help you get laid. They also share another thing in common – they won’t actually get you laid. You can be thin, have hair like Rod Blagojevich, and have a penis as big as a pornstar, and still spend your evenings alone.
Why? At Timony Industries, we have proven that unlike men, women are much more driven by personality than physical appearance. Your problem isn’t that your fat, bald, and have a baby’s thumb between your legs; it’s that you’re uninteresting, anxious, and awkward. Our researchers have determined that women go for the relaxed and affable over the clumsy and inept every time.
How can you go from celibate to playboy? Simple use Timony Industries patented Personal Enricher, and watch the women come flocking. Every four ounce bottle of Personal Enricher is packed full of concentrated, high quality grain alcohol. This ingredient helps melt away inhibitions, letting your funny and charismatic inner self shine through. Women will are naturally drawn to confidence and charm. You’ll never go to bed lonely again.
Our lawyers tell us that we need to disclose that Timony’s Personal Enricher will not work for every man. In some cases, men have become morose, belligerent, or obnoxious after using the product. If you’re one of the unfortunate few affected in this way, no worries. The active ingredient in Personal Enricher will ensure that if your evening ends in frustration, you will not care.
Don’t waste money on Jergens and Kleenex. Get Timony Industries Personal Enhancer and have the sex life you deserve.
Why? At Timony Industries, we have proven that unlike men, women are much more driven by personality than physical appearance. Your problem isn’t that your fat, bald, and have a baby’s thumb between your legs; it’s that you’re uninteresting, anxious, and awkward. Our researchers have determined that women go for the relaxed and affable over the clumsy and inept every time.
How can you go from celibate to playboy? Simple use Timony Industries patented Personal Enricher, and watch the women come flocking. Every four ounce bottle of Personal Enricher is packed full of concentrated, high quality grain alcohol. This ingredient helps melt away inhibitions, letting your funny and charismatic inner self shine through. Women will are naturally drawn to confidence and charm. You’ll never go to bed lonely again.
Our lawyers tell us that we need to disclose that Timony’s Personal Enricher will not work for every man. In some cases, men have become morose, belligerent, or obnoxious after using the product. If you’re one of the unfortunate few affected in this way, no worries. The active ingredient in Personal Enricher will ensure that if your evening ends in frustration, you will not care.
Don’t waste money on Jergens and Kleenex. Get Timony Industries Personal Enhancer and have the sex life you deserve.
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