Americans have also enjoyed making jokes about people that are different than “us.” Historically, black people were the targets of the humor. Later, it was determined by most people that it is not acceptable to make fun of an underclass if you are responsible for creating the underclass. The Chinese, Poles, the retarded, Jews, and Mexicans all were the target of jokes at one point but are not frequently anymore due to heightening moral standards.
For a while, it seemed acceptable to make “redneck” jokes. After all, rednecks are American white folks, so they should be fair game. Then people realized it might not be appropriate to poke fun of poor people for being unique and resourceful with duct tape.
So now who are we supposed to make jokes about? MTV has come close to answering that question with their show Jersey Shore. The only problem is that they use the term “Guido,” which historically refer to lower class Italians, so its lifecycle is limited. I prefer the term douchebag (or their female equivalent, the douchebaguette). Characteristics of the douchebag include: unnatural tans, excessive hair products, large SUVs, narcissism, clubbing, gold jewelry, and obsession with casual sex. They’re wealthy and white, so it’s ok to make fun of them. Let the mockery begin!
Did you hear that douchebags have established their own civil rights group?
It’s called the NAAOP. The National Association for the Advancement of Orange People.
How many douchebags does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1, but if it requires screwing, he’s liable to stick his dick in it.
What’s a douchbaguette’s exercise routine?
Stick two fingers down your throat. Repeat ad nauseam.
How does a douchebag create harmony?
By getting a hummer in a Hummer.
Who is the douchebag’s biggest hero?
Himself.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Craigslist Ad - Jobs - A Career in Entertainment
Are you a male between the ages of 18 and 24? Are you hot? Can you pull off the “bad boy” look? What about the “sensitive” type? Can you carry a tune, or at least do so with the help of Auto-Tune? Can you dance? Want to make a lot of money and have women around the world screaming fanatically at your presence?
Budding impresario looking for five young, attractive men to start a pop singing group. Boy bands have been big money makers in the past. Since the Jonas Brothers have taken a hiatus, we are currently in a lull. The market is ripe for a young male vocal group to take the world by storm, making millions off impressionable tweeners, young teen girls, and undersexed wives.
I will be holding tryouts next Saturday at 3:00 PM a location to be determined. After the five singers and two alternates are selected, we will begin a three-week intensive training program in my house. Training will consist of vigorous exercise, singing practice, dance classes, personality training, massage, nude wrestling, and other activities I deem necessary. All of the training will be administered by me.
Upon completion of training, we will film some youtube videos and begin an intensive internet viral marketing campaign. We will also start touring, performing impromptu concerts at shopping malls throughout Oregon and Washington.
Once your popularity starts to climb, I will leak to the internet some nude photos of you that I will take. This should provide us a lot of publicity and increase record sales. Tours of Europe and Japan will surely be in the offing after that.
What do you say? Fame and fortune are just an email away.
Budding impresario looking for five young, attractive men to start a pop singing group. Boy bands have been big money makers in the past. Since the Jonas Brothers have taken a hiatus, we are currently in a lull. The market is ripe for a young male vocal group to take the world by storm, making millions off impressionable tweeners, young teen girls, and undersexed wives.
I will be holding tryouts next Saturday at 3:00 PM a location to be determined. After the five singers and two alternates are selected, we will begin a three-week intensive training program in my house. Training will consist of vigorous exercise, singing practice, dance classes, personality training, massage, nude wrestling, and other activities I deem necessary. All of the training will be administered by me.
Upon completion of training, we will film some youtube videos and begin an intensive internet viral marketing campaign. We will also start touring, performing impromptu concerts at shopping malls throughout Oregon and Washington.
Once your popularity starts to climb, I will leak to the internet some nude photos of you that I will take. This should provide us a lot of publicity and increase record sales. Tours of Europe and Japan will surely be in the offing after that.
What do you say? Fame and fortune are just an email away.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Adam Richman, Star of Man v. Food, Dead at 36
PORTLAND, OR (AP) – Adam Richman, star of the TV show Man v. Food, died after suffering a massive heart attack in his hotel room on Tuesday, his publicist said. He was 36.
In Richman’s Travel Channel show, he traveled around the US, profiling food establishments that specialize in large, traditional dishes. At the end of each episode, Richman would engage in an eating challenge, where he would attempt to eat a large or extremely spicy dish to win the restaurant’s contest. During the three seasons that the show aired, Richman successfully consumed six “Atomic” chicken wings in Pittsburgh, a 2 ½ pound deli sandwich with fries in Columbus, and two gallon sundae with whipped cream and toppings in San Francisco, among other challenges.
Richman was in Portland filming an episode of his show. While in Portland, Richman completed Buter’s Barbeque’s Texan Challenge. The challenge consisted of eating a whole barbequed chicken, a rack of pork ribs, a brisket sandwich, and a plate of fries. He completed the challenge in 39 minutes. Richman appeared well after the challenge, even slapping hands with other diners.
Richman prepared for each food challenge by exercising twice daily while on the road, fasting the day before the challenge, and ensuring that he was properly hydrated.
A New York native, Richman also worked as an actor, appearing in several daytime soap operas and an episode of Law and Order: Trial by Jury.
Dr. Norton Arnston, a nutritionist at Oregon Health Sciences University, said that he is not surprised by Richman’s early passing. “The human body is not designed to quickly consume large amounts of food. The stresses that he put his body through obviously caught up to him.”
According to his publicist, Richman’s funeral will feature an all-you-can-eat buffet.
In Richman’s Travel Channel show, he traveled around the US, profiling food establishments that specialize in large, traditional dishes. At the end of each episode, Richman would engage in an eating challenge, where he would attempt to eat a large or extremely spicy dish to win the restaurant’s contest. During the three seasons that the show aired, Richman successfully consumed six “Atomic” chicken wings in Pittsburgh, a 2 ½ pound deli sandwich with fries in Columbus, and two gallon sundae with whipped cream and toppings in San Francisco, among other challenges.
Richman was in Portland filming an episode of his show. While in Portland, Richman completed Buter’s Barbeque’s Texan Challenge. The challenge consisted of eating a whole barbequed chicken, a rack of pork ribs, a brisket sandwich, and a plate of fries. He completed the challenge in 39 minutes. Richman appeared well after the challenge, even slapping hands with other diners.
Richman prepared for each food challenge by exercising twice daily while on the road, fasting the day before the challenge, and ensuring that he was properly hydrated.
A New York native, Richman also worked as an actor, appearing in several daytime soap operas and an episode of Law and Order: Trial by Jury.
Dr. Norton Arnston, a nutritionist at Oregon Health Sciences University, said that he is not surprised by Richman’s early passing. “The human body is not designed to quickly consume large amounts of food. The stresses that he put his body through obviously caught up to him.”
According to his publicist, Richman’s funeral will feature an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Happy Birthday
I wish I could stay at Reed College, but I have to transfer. Even worse, I can’t tell my parents why.
My girlfriend Kelly’s birthday was during finals week. She was finished with school and packed all of her stuff to move out of her one-person dorm room. I still giggle every time I attend lecture in one of the classrooms we used as our clandestine love shack. Kelly is definitely kinkier than me, and sometimes her desires crossed the line. For her birthday though, I told Kelly that she can do whatever she wants. Unfortunately for me, she wanted me to dress as a woman so that she could fuck me with a strap-on dildo.
I got to her room and put on a dress and some makeup. I was surprised at how good I looked. Kelly seemed happy. She dimmed the lights, lit a few candles, and put on some Marvin Gaye. Then she went at me.
Anal penetration really hurt, causing my eyes to well. Still, I wanted to perform for Kelly’s birthday, so I tried being a good trooper. Then one of Kelly’s candles ignited a box of her stuff, causing the smoke detector to go off. Kelly tried to extinguish the fire. I tried turning off the alarm above the locked door, but someone opened the door, knocking me to the floor. It was Jan, the dorm’s resident advisor, making sure that we were ok. Behind Jan were the students from the floor making their way to the fire escape. Everyone saw everything – me on the floor in a dress with runny mascara and Kelly with a strap-on trying to smother the fire with a towel.
Reed may be a liberal school, but I can never show my face on campus again.
My girlfriend Kelly’s birthday was during finals week. She was finished with school and packed all of her stuff to move out of her one-person dorm room. I still giggle every time I attend lecture in one of the classrooms we used as our clandestine love shack. Kelly is definitely kinkier than me, and sometimes her desires crossed the line. For her birthday though, I told Kelly that she can do whatever she wants. Unfortunately for me, she wanted me to dress as a woman so that she could fuck me with a strap-on dildo.
I got to her room and put on a dress and some makeup. I was surprised at how good I looked. Kelly seemed happy. She dimmed the lights, lit a few candles, and put on some Marvin Gaye. Then she went at me.
Anal penetration really hurt, causing my eyes to well. Still, I wanted to perform for Kelly’s birthday, so I tried being a good trooper. Then one of Kelly’s candles ignited a box of her stuff, causing the smoke detector to go off. Kelly tried to extinguish the fire. I tried turning off the alarm above the locked door, but someone opened the door, knocking me to the floor. It was Jan, the dorm’s resident advisor, making sure that we were ok. Behind Jan were the students from the floor making their way to the fire escape. Everyone saw everything – me on the floor in a dress with runny mascara and Kelly with a strap-on trying to smother the fire with a towel.
Reed may be a liberal school, but I can never show my face on campus again.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Found in My Spam Folder V
Phenomenal Investment Opportunity
Ever wonder what it would have been like to be able to purchase stock at the Initial Public Offering (IPO) for companies like Intel, Google, and Lockheed Martin? Investors that put forth a few thousand dollars could retire as multi-millionaires in just a couple of years!
I work for a company that is about to offer its common stock to the public in an IPO. Invest early, and you too can brag about being there in the beginning as you sip daiquiris from the deck of the boat that you bought with all the money you made!
Despite the weak economy, there are definite areas of market growth. One of these markets is environmentally responsible products. From hybrid cars to biodegradable snack chip bags, environmentally friendly products are becoming the norm for society. Our products are the industry leaders for environmental safety. Another growth industry is defense. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are not going away, and threats by Iran and North Korea intensify almost daily.
Did you know that the war in Iraq has done more damage to the environment that the Exxon Valdez and the spill in the Gulf of Mexico combined? Here at Green Weapon Systems (GWS) we take the environmental impact of military conflict seriously. From lead-free bullets, to low emission missiles, to mines that decompose into compost after three years, GWS is at the forefront of green military technology. (Also, we don’t test on animals.) Whether hunting slippery terrorists or just settling old grudges against impotent dictators, governments need not fear the environmental catastrophe they leave at the next war-torn hellhole.
GWS – Just because we’re trying to kill people does not mean we have to kill the planet.
Ever wonder what it would have been like to be able to purchase stock at the Initial Public Offering (IPO) for companies like Intel, Google, and Lockheed Martin? Investors that put forth a few thousand dollars could retire as multi-millionaires in just a couple of years!
I work for a company that is about to offer its common stock to the public in an IPO. Invest early, and you too can brag about being there in the beginning as you sip daiquiris from the deck of the boat that you bought with all the money you made!
Despite the weak economy, there are definite areas of market growth. One of these markets is environmentally responsible products. From hybrid cars to biodegradable snack chip bags, environmentally friendly products are becoming the norm for society. Our products are the industry leaders for environmental safety. Another growth industry is defense. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are not going away, and threats by Iran and North Korea intensify almost daily.
Did you know that the war in Iraq has done more damage to the environment that the Exxon Valdez and the spill in the Gulf of Mexico combined? Here at Green Weapon Systems (GWS) we take the environmental impact of military conflict seriously. From lead-free bullets, to low emission missiles, to mines that decompose into compost after three years, GWS is at the forefront of green military technology. (Also, we don’t test on animals.) Whether hunting slippery terrorists or just settling old grudges against impotent dictators, governments need not fear the environmental catastrophe they leave at the next war-torn hellhole.
GWS – Just because we’re trying to kill people does not mean we have to kill the planet.
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Tea Party Movement, By Will Divide Jr., Age 9
At first, I didn’t really get why adults are interested in Tea Parties. My neighbor Megan is always trying to get me to attend her Tea Party, which consists of her stuffed animals sitting in chairs drinking fake tea out of little plastic cups. Does this sound like fun to you? I have a Wii. The Wii has games where you can pretend to be Payton Manning, a guitar god, and a zombie killer. Do you know what the Will doesn’t have? A game where you pretend to drink tea, because pretending to drink tea is boring. No wonder no one likes girls!
I read on the internet about the Boston Tea Party. The people there threw a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor because they didn’t want to pay taxes on it. Adults are dumb. If the people wanted tea but didn’t want to pay taxes on it, they should have thrown it into a lake. That way, anytime they wanted iced tea, all they had to do was dip a ladle into the lake. Boston Harbor is connected to the Atlantic Ocean. It would take all of the tea in China to turn the ocean into iced tea, and even then it would be salty.
Today people join the Tea Party Movement because they want lower taxes and the government to get off their backs, which sounds reasonable to me. I want a jet pack. I bet if you asked most people in the Tea Party Movement, they’d say they want a jet pack too. I looked on the internet to find the head of the Tea Party Movement, but there isn’t one. So I am going to name myself, Will Divide Jr., the head of the Tea Party Movement. Free jet packs for everyone!
I read on the internet about the Boston Tea Party. The people there threw a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor because they didn’t want to pay taxes on it. Adults are dumb. If the people wanted tea but didn’t want to pay taxes on it, they should have thrown it into a lake. That way, anytime they wanted iced tea, all they had to do was dip a ladle into the lake. Boston Harbor is connected to the Atlantic Ocean. It would take all of the tea in China to turn the ocean into iced tea, and even then it would be salty.
Today people join the Tea Party Movement because they want lower taxes and the government to get off their backs, which sounds reasonable to me. I want a jet pack. I bet if you asked most people in the Tea Party Movement, they’d say they want a jet pack too. I looked on the internet to find the head of the Tea Party Movement, but there isn’t one. So I am going to name myself, Will Divide Jr., the head of the Tea Party Movement. Free jet packs for everyone!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Bedroom Surprises
Being a 37 year old single woman isn’t easy. Single men my age are single for obvious reasons. Some of them never learned proper hygiene. Others think that the subject of an entertaining conversation is the success of their Orge in World of Warcraft. Of course there’s always the horribly unattractive bunch.
That’s why I tend to look for divorced guys. They have a good reason for being in their late 30s and single. Also, after having put up with ex-wives, divorced men are usually desperate for a woman to treat them decently.
Greg seemed like an ideal candidate for me. He got married at 21 and divorced last year. Greg’s very attractive and can easily pass for a man 10 years younger than he is. In conversation, Greg has a way of extracting humor from situations, which showed me that despite the divorce he still has an optimistic view of life. After several great makeout sessions, it was time to take it to the next level.
Before we got naked, Greg said he had something important to say to me. I started to freak out, preparing myself to hear that he is HIV+ or something. It turns out that Greg has a genetic defect called Antley-Bixler Syndrome, which makes his genetalia abnormally small. I asked him to pull down his pants, and there framed by two shapely thighs was a package that looked like it belonged on a cherub statue. I tried to be a good sport, so I played with it some, but I felt like a child molester. Luckily, Greg got off from this, so I excused myself with claims of early meetings, cleaned up, and went home.
I won’t ever see Greg again. I know that makes me shallow, but a woman has needs too.
That’s why I tend to look for divorced guys. They have a good reason for being in their late 30s and single. Also, after having put up with ex-wives, divorced men are usually desperate for a woman to treat them decently.
Greg seemed like an ideal candidate for me. He got married at 21 and divorced last year. Greg’s very attractive and can easily pass for a man 10 years younger than he is. In conversation, Greg has a way of extracting humor from situations, which showed me that despite the divorce he still has an optimistic view of life. After several great makeout sessions, it was time to take it to the next level.
Before we got naked, Greg said he had something important to say to me. I started to freak out, preparing myself to hear that he is HIV+ or something. It turns out that Greg has a genetic defect called Antley-Bixler Syndrome, which makes his genetalia abnormally small. I asked him to pull down his pants, and there framed by two shapely thighs was a package that looked like it belonged on a cherub statue. I tried to be a good sport, so I played with it some, but I felt like a child molester. Luckily, Greg got off from this, so I excused myself with claims of early meetings, cleaned up, and went home.
I won’t ever see Greg again. I know that makes me shallow, but a woman has needs too.
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