Jon Bon Jovi is a liar, and I can prove it. Back in 1985, I was dating a girl named Heather. She was really into Judas Priest. What’s more, her parents were friends with the owners of the company that supplies pennants and shit at Trailblazer games, so somehow she finagled two second row, center stage tickets for Judas Priest at the Memorial Coliseum. I was more of a Steve Miller and Tom Petty fan in those days, but being a good boyfriend, I agreed to go to the concert.
Judas Priest had two opening acts, a local Portland band that I forget and Bon Jovi. They were shit. Although guitarist Richie Sambora looked to be rocking out, Jon Bon Jovi was lackluster, as if he were just going through the motions before getting on the bus to Seattle or Vancouver or wherever the hell they were headed. And I’m sure Jon saw us there in the second row, as Heather dressed like a skank as she usually did at rock shows, and her impressive rack tends to grab a peep from every man in a 10-mile radius.
Fast forward to 1986. Bon Jovi release their record-breaking hit album “Slippery When Wet” featuring the song “Wanted Dead or Alive”. Now there’s no way for me to know if Jon Bon Jovi has seen a million faces. To prove that, I would need to have followed him throughout his entire life with some sort of hand clicker counter thing that counts to a million. That’s impossible. I do know that Jon Bon Jovi did not rock every face he has seen. He’s seen my face, and it was decidedly non-rocked. Fucking liar.
I can't even sing the song at karaoke, because then the lie becomes mine. I won't lie.
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