Note on a breakroom refrigerator

Note on a breakroom refrigerator:

To the person who keeps taking my Ensure Diet Shakes,

Congratulations on deciding to lose weight. I personally know that dieting requires steely commitment, so my heart goes out to you for being able to take on this retched challenge. Believe me, when I go to the refrigerator after starving myself for the entire morning only to find that my last shake is gone, the temptation to have the vending machine Doritos and beef jerky $1.85 combo plate is very strong.

One of the biggest obstacles to successful dieting is perseverance. It can take weeks to have any noticeable effect, and impatient people tend to fall off the wagon. I don’t want to let this happen to you, so instead of the normal six-pack that we usually share, this pack contains only five regular cans. Although the sixth can looks like all the rest, it has been sitting in the back of my hatchback for the last two weeks. If Momma’s warnings and ninth-grade biology count for anything, that special can should give its consumer a wicked case of Botchulism. With all of the projectile vomiting and acidic, runny BMs you’ll be doing, you won’t have time (much less desire) to eat, thereby accelerating the weight loss process. I do this as a personal favor to you.

You’re welcome.