An Open Letter to Meat Eaters from a Vegetarian

Dear Meat Eaters of the World:

Hi there. My name is Will Divide. I have been a vegetarian since 1997. When I started vegetarianism, it was with the best intentions: to not harm animals and to try to eat healthy. These days, the only reason that I’m still a vegetarian is that the idea of eating meat doesn’t appeal to me. A friend once asked me how I know that I wouldn’t enjoy eating meat if I didn’t eat some. The way I see it, I don’t need to engage in butt sex with another man to know that I wouldn’t enjoy it. I feel the same way about meat.

When I first tell people that I am a vegetarian, they always feel the need to justify their meat eating. “Oh, I would be a vegetarian too, but I feel weak if I don’t eat meat every once in a while,” they say. Or the might say something like, “I only eat chicken and fish. That and the occasional bacon double cheeseburger.” Know what? I don’t give a fuck whether you eat meat or not. Eat whatever you want. I didn’t become a vegetarian so that I could smugly lord it over insecure omnivores. I’m a vegetarian, not a Mormon.

Despite my vegetarianism, I’m a big fan of the Travel Channel’s Bizarre Foods. Just because I won’t eat a steak doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy watching Andrew Zimmern attack a platter of snake penises. This kind of fascination is the same thing that drives sales of Nazi sexploitation literature in Israel.

So eat all the meat you want. We vegetarians aren’t judging you. As allies and not adversaries, we can tackle the real food problems of the world. Like Taco Bell.

You humble blogger,

Will Divide