A common aspect of blogging that I have not employed is live blogging. Live-blogging is when you take an event and blog short entries while it is happening. Since this blog is updated once daily, I decided to do live blogging as a guest on a friend’s blog. Here is the transcript of my live blog of having sex for the first time in 17 months.
9:37 PM –Katie and I have been very flirty. I think tonight’s the night.
9:41 PM – Katie secretly brushed her teeth. I think she’s planning to do some kissing. Oh shit, how is my breath?
9:44 PM – Great kissing. Katie doesn’t seem to mind my hand on her thigh. I’m going in for the kill.
9:45 PM – Katie asked me why I keep using my iPhone. I explained I’m dealing with a work emergency. (I’m actually updating this blog.) She apparently bought this.
9:52 PM – OMG Katie’s got nice breasts. I hope there’s not a puddle in my boxers.
9:57 PM – I have found the clit. At least I think I found it. Katie seems happy.
10:01 PM – I’m putting a condom on! It’s really happening. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
10:03 PM – I came. I was hoping to last longer, but what do you expect after 17 months of celibacy? I sure hope Katie’s ok with it.
10:07 PM – Katie is leaving. I thought she would stay the night. This is probably bad.
10:11 PM – Lonely and feeling like a failure. I wish I could delay coming, but it just felt too damn good.
10:27 PM – Drank a lot of Smirnov I had lying around. Not feeling lonely or like a failure. Not feeling anything but goooooood.
10:29 PM – Feeling something else now.
10:30 PM – Puking.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
High School Student Dies from "Vampire Bite"
PORTLAND, OREGON (AP) – Zachary Connor, 14, died last night from the effects of a massive tetanus infection he acquired after receiving a “vampire bite” from a high school classmate, officials at Providence Medical Center reported Tuesday.
Connor, who was a first-year student at Central Catholic High School, received a bite on the neck from a classmate sometime last week. The student that bit Connor is also being treated at Providence Medial Center after doctors determined that she was a carrier of the tetanus virus. Police have decided not to file charges and have not released her name.
School officials claim these attacks are common but that there is little school officials can do to prevent them. “Vampires are popular in youth culture,” Central Catholic Assistant Principal Mary O’Brien said. “Over the past year, we’ve seen numerous incidents of kids biting each other in the neck. It’s usually done among friends to show a form of ownership. One student we disciplined last year claimed that the bite doesn’t ‘count’ unless it draws blood.”
A classmate of Connor’s who asked not to be identified, added, “We all feel terrible about Zach. Everyone bites. It’s a way to show you love your friends. We thought the worst thing that could happen is that someone would turn into a vampire.”
Dr. Gordon Baker, a microbiology researcher at Oregon Health Sciences University, explained that human bites can have serious medical consequences. “The human mouth is full of bacteria, and introducing the pathogens to a person’s bloodstream through a bite puncture is an easy way to cause infection. The Connor case is not the first report of a person dying from a human bite in the medical literature.”
Connor is survived by his parents, grandparents, and two sisters. Funeral services are still pending.
Connor, who was a first-year student at Central Catholic High School, received a bite on the neck from a classmate sometime last week. The student that bit Connor is also being treated at Providence Medial Center after doctors determined that she was a carrier of the tetanus virus. Police have decided not to file charges and have not released her name.
School officials claim these attacks are common but that there is little school officials can do to prevent them. “Vampires are popular in youth culture,” Central Catholic Assistant Principal Mary O’Brien said. “Over the past year, we’ve seen numerous incidents of kids biting each other in the neck. It’s usually done among friends to show a form of ownership. One student we disciplined last year claimed that the bite doesn’t ‘count’ unless it draws blood.”
A classmate of Connor’s who asked not to be identified, added, “We all feel terrible about Zach. Everyone bites. It’s a way to show you love your friends. We thought the worst thing that could happen is that someone would turn into a vampire.”
Dr. Gordon Baker, a microbiology researcher at Oregon Health Sciences University, explained that human bites can have serious medical consequences. “The human mouth is full of bacteria, and introducing the pathogens to a person’s bloodstream through a bite puncture is an easy way to cause infection. The Connor case is not the first report of a person dying from a human bite in the medical literature.”
Connor is survived by his parents, grandparents, and two sisters. Funeral services are still pending.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
It's Tough Being a White Guy
There are lots of advantages to being a white male in America. Shop owners don’t feel as compelled to follow you in stores to see if you are shoplifting. You can drive an expensive car in any neighborhood in America and the cops won’t assume you stole it. You’re odds of being a politician, CEO, head coach of a professional sports team, or high-grossing movie star are greater than any other gender, ethnic, or racial combination.
These advantages are diminishing, though. White men’s string of 43 consecutive US Presidencies ended in 2009. Minority coaches have won championships in three of the four major US professional sports leagues. Also, by 2042, white people will make up less than 50% of the US population, making white men less than ¼ of the population. (There tend to be more women than men anyway, since men are more likely to die in wars and Darwin Award winning “hey check this out” stunts.)
Perhaps the worst part about being a white male these days is applying for a job. This is not due to affirmative action. Large employers don’t necessarily favor women and minority candidates; it’s just that when they hire these candidates, they like to trumpet how diverse they are. Look at a job application. They start gently, asking if you are a Hispanic. That’s usually followed with a question about ethnicity, then one about gender. As a white male, after you’re done filling that out, you’re left felling, “No, I’m not some pretty feather to put in your cap. I’m nothing special. I’m just a white guy.”
So next time you see a white guy, hold a door open for him, or let him merge into your lane. After all, white guys have been through a lot.
These advantages are diminishing, though. White men’s string of 43 consecutive US Presidencies ended in 2009. Minority coaches have won championships in three of the four major US professional sports leagues. Also, by 2042, white people will make up less than 50% of the US population, making white men less than ¼ of the population. (There tend to be more women than men anyway, since men are more likely to die in wars and Darwin Award winning “hey check this out” stunts.)
Perhaps the worst part about being a white male these days is applying for a job. This is not due to affirmative action. Large employers don’t necessarily favor women and minority candidates; it’s just that when they hire these candidates, they like to trumpet how diverse they are. Look at a job application. They start gently, asking if you are a Hispanic. That’s usually followed with a question about ethnicity, then one about gender. As a white male, after you’re done filling that out, you’re left felling, “No, I’m not some pretty feather to put in your cap. I’m nothing special. I’m just a white guy.”
So next time you see a white guy, hold a door open for him, or let him merge into your lane. After all, white guys have been through a lot.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Final Taboo
We’ve come a long way, baby. In 1960, NBC censored Tonight Show host Jack Paar’s joke that mentioned the phrase “water closet.” In 2010, NBC might tell Jay Leno not to tell a joke with the phrase “water closet,” not because it is indecent but because most of his audience won’t know what a “water closet” is.
Short of hardcore pornography, there isn’t much that is forbidden on TV. Showing taboo used to be limited to premium cable channels with their unedited movies and adult-themed original programming, but now regular cable networks like FX and AMC have gotten into the game. Shows like Mad Men have no qualms about using whatever language seems to suit the moment. Take this exchange in the elevator between Don Draper and Pete Campbell from last night’s episode. (I don’t have the transcript, so this is an approximation.)
Later in the same episode, Roger chastises Pete and uses the word “fuck.” At least I think he said, “fuck,” as AMC muted the word. “Shit,” which was on George Carlin's list of seven words you can’t say on TV now flies freely, but “fuck,” which was also on the list, is not allowed. Why is that? The show is already rated TV MA, and if you’re offended by the word “fuck,” you’ll probably find “shit” offensive too. It’s 2010. Shouldn’t “fuck” be allowed to have a place of prominence next to “shit” on prime time cable TV?
And while you’re at it, can you show a little tit?
Short of hardcore pornography, there isn’t much that is forbidden on TV. Showing taboo used to be limited to premium cable channels with their unedited movies and adult-themed original programming, but now regular cable networks like FX and AMC have gotten into the game. Shows like Mad Men have no qualms about using whatever language seems to suit the moment. Take this exchange in the elevator between Don Draper and Pete Campbell from last night’s episode. (I don’t have the transcript, so this is an approximation.)
DON: Shit on a shingle, Pete.
PETE: Shitty, shitty, shit, shit, shit, Don. Drinking, smoking, womanizing, and trying to hang onto the 50s before the hippies and civil rights era takes over, you shit-faced shit stain.
Later in the same episode, Roger chastises Pete and uses the word “fuck.” At least I think he said, “fuck,” as AMC muted the word. “Shit,” which was on George Carlin's list of seven words you can’t say on TV now flies freely, but “fuck,” which was also on the list, is not allowed. Why is that? The show is already rated TV MA, and if you’re offended by the word “fuck,” you’ll probably find “shit” offensive too. It’s 2010. Shouldn’t “fuck” be allowed to have a place of prominence next to “shit” on prime time cable TV?
And while you’re at it, can you show a little tit?
Friday, September 24, 2010
How to Help Your Favorite Sports Team
One of the most frustrating things about being a fan of team sports (besides the fact that your tam never wins) is that no matter how much you care, there’s nothing you can do to help the team win. Sure, you could buy expensive season tickets, but the revenue from that is merely a drop in a large bucket (and besides, your team could just spend the extra money on a big name wide receiver who underachieves). You can take the Steve Bartman approach and physically interfere with a ball being caught, but those opportunities are rare. Unless you can ice skate really fast, are 260 pounds of pure muscle, or can throw a 93 MPH fastball, there isn’t much you can do. Until now.
Inspiration for this approach comes from a non-team sport – golf. Once, Tiger Woods was the undisputed best player on the planet. Then it turned out that he liked to have sex with lots of different women that weren’t his wife. After the scandal, Woods couldn’t get a ball between Abe Lincoln’s legs in putt putt. Exposing extramarital affairs to the public is kryptonite to athletes.
So here’s what you need to do. Find out where the best player for your opposition hangs out. Then stalk the guy. Keep a digital camera on hand at all times, preferably with a great zoom on it. Then, take a picture of the athlete leaving the strip club at 2:00 AM with the big breasted blonde. Next, send the pictures to favorite sleazy media outlet (the Daily News for athletes in the New York area, TMZ for everywhere else), and watch your team paste the newly weakened opposition. Most male athletes have extramarital affairs, so this shouldn’t be difficult.
Sports fans, you’re welcome.
Inspiration for this approach comes from a non-team sport – golf. Once, Tiger Woods was the undisputed best player on the planet. Then it turned out that he liked to have sex with lots of different women that weren’t his wife. After the scandal, Woods couldn’t get a ball between Abe Lincoln’s legs in putt putt. Exposing extramarital affairs to the public is kryptonite to athletes.
So here’s what you need to do. Find out where the best player for your opposition hangs out. Then stalk the guy. Keep a digital camera on hand at all times, preferably with a great zoom on it. Then, take a picture of the athlete leaving the strip club at 2:00 AM with the big breasted blonde. Next, send the pictures to favorite sleazy media outlet (the Daily News for athletes in the New York area, TMZ for everywhere else), and watch your team paste the newly weakened opposition. Most male athletes have extramarital affairs, so this shouldn’t be difficult.
Sports fans, you’re welcome.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Recession is Over?
I went on Yahoo! the other day to check my email and saw a link to a story that said that economists declared the recession over. I don’t read a lot of news, but I think I do a good job of keeping up on current events. This just sounded preposterous to me, so I clicked on the link and read the first couple of paragraphs. It said something like although economists know that the country is still struggling, the recession is over. What’s more, they also said that the recession ended in June. Of 2009.
I’d like to know if economists get drug tested, because they are obviously smoking crack. Seriously? June of 2009? My wife was laid off in March and still can’t find work. My job at the auto parts factory cut all overtime, so I’ve had to take a second job at a convenience store. I now work more hours for less pay. My neighbor recently moved out and his house is in foreclosure. Our house isn’t worth what we paid for it.
The other day, I was on the bus talking to my co-worker Jerry. I told him that I want a job as an economist. I’m sure it pays well, and I know more about the economy than they do. The guy behind us interrupted us. He’s apparently an economics professor at the community college. The guy said that a recession happens when the economy is contracting. Although we haven’t dug out of the hole yet, he explained, the economy isn’t contracting anymore, so it isn’t in a recession. I told him that may be his definition, but I know w a recession when I see one.
I may not be the most informed person, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have an opinion.
I’d like to know if economists get drug tested, because they are obviously smoking crack. Seriously? June of 2009? My wife was laid off in March and still can’t find work. My job at the auto parts factory cut all overtime, so I’ve had to take a second job at a convenience store. I now work more hours for less pay. My neighbor recently moved out and his house is in foreclosure. Our house isn’t worth what we paid for it.
The other day, I was on the bus talking to my co-worker Jerry. I told him that I want a job as an economist. I’m sure it pays well, and I know more about the economy than they do. The guy behind us interrupted us. He’s apparently an economics professor at the community college. The guy said that a recession happens when the economy is contracting. Although we haven’t dug out of the hole yet, he explained, the economy isn’t contracting anymore, so it isn’t in a recession. I told him that may be his definition, but I know w a recession when I see one.
I may not be the most informed person, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have an opinion.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Response to Craigslist Ad in the W4M Section
Hi there,
After reading your craigslist ad in the W4M section, I think we would be a good match. Allow me to elaborate.
You said you like a man in uniform or a man that works with his hands. I actually qualify as both, since I work as a garbage collector, and wear a jumpsuit to work every day. I think I look pretty sharp in it (before it gets covered in gunk), as it does a good job to cover my belly.
Another thing you said you were looking for was a guy that does not have children. I had children, but the state has custody of them. I wasn’t a bad father or anything; I made sure that they had all their shots and got ice cream when they were good. It turns out though that if you use your children while committing a felony, you’re not allowed to keep them.
You mentioned that you are looking for a man with a sense of humor. I’m always cracking up my co-workers on the truck or at the dump. I collect old Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Although I do look at the pictures, I’m also interested in the writing. Specifically, I read the jokes on the back of the centerfold picture. Then, when the time is appropriate, I tell one of the jokes I’ve memorized from the magazines. Once I got in trouble for telling a dirty gay joke when a Fernando was present. That’s why I only tell jokes at appropriate times.
Although I don’t have a computer, I can write you back the next time I am at the library. My cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Eddie
After reading your craigslist ad in the W4M section, I think we would be a good match. Allow me to elaborate.
You said you like a man in uniform or a man that works with his hands. I actually qualify as both, since I work as a garbage collector, and wear a jumpsuit to work every day. I think I look pretty sharp in it (before it gets covered in gunk), as it does a good job to cover my belly.
Another thing you said you were looking for was a guy that does not have children. I had children, but the state has custody of them. I wasn’t a bad father or anything; I made sure that they had all their shots and got ice cream when they were good. It turns out though that if you use your children while committing a felony, you’re not allowed to keep them.
You mentioned that you are looking for a man with a sense of humor. I’m always cracking up my co-workers on the truck or at the dump. I collect old Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Although I do look at the pictures, I’m also interested in the writing. Specifically, I read the jokes on the back of the centerfold picture. Then, when the time is appropriate, I tell one of the jokes I’ve memorized from the magazines. Once I got in trouble for telling a dirty gay joke when a Fernando was present. That’s why I only tell jokes at appropriate times.
Although I don’t have a computer, I can write you back the next time I am at the library. My cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Eddie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)