Friday, September 24, 2010

How to Help Your Favorite Sports Team

One of the most frustrating things about being a fan of team sports (besides the fact that your tam never wins) is that no matter how much you care, there’s nothing you can do to help the team win. Sure, you could buy expensive season tickets, but the revenue from that is merely a drop in a large bucket (and besides, your team could just spend the extra money on a big name wide receiver who underachieves). You can take the Steve Bartman approach and physically interfere with a ball being caught, but those opportunities are rare. Unless you can ice skate really fast, are 260 pounds of pure muscle, or can throw a 93 MPH fastball, there isn’t much you can do. Until now.

Inspiration for this approach comes from a non-team sport – golf. Once, Tiger Woods was the undisputed best player on the planet. Then it turned out that he liked to have sex with lots of different women that weren’t his wife. After the scandal, Woods couldn’t get a ball between Abe Lincoln’s legs in putt putt. Exposing extramarital affairs to the public is kryptonite to athletes.

So here’s what you need to do. Find out where the best player for your opposition hangs out. Then stalk the guy. Keep a digital camera on hand at all times, preferably with a great zoom on it. Then, take a picture of the athlete leaving the strip club at 2:00 AM with the big breasted blonde. Next, send the pictures to favorite sleazy media outlet (the Daily News for athletes in the New York area, TMZ for everywhere else), and watch your team paste the newly weakened opposition. Most male athletes have extramarital affairs, so this shouldn’t be difficult.

Sports fans, you’re welcome.

1 comment:

  1. Except that you'd have to repeat this procedure for all rivals of your team. No dice.