For White Dudes

There’s a movie coming out Friday called “For Colored Girls.” It’s described as a poetic explanation of what it’s like to be of color and a woman in this world. I’m guessing that they don’t include the mundane aspects of being a colored woman in the world, such as sleeping and pooping. For all our differences as people, everybody poops.

I’m glad this movie is coming out, because it means someone may finally produce my screenplay for “For White Dudes.” I feel it’s important because what it means to be a white man in the world is so infrequently explored. Here’s a brief synopsis.

Four white guys are sitting in a bar watching a football game. They all cheer their favorite players, all of whom are black. After downing a few Budweisers, they leave the bar victorious. A black man approaches them for directions, and the white guys run away scared.

One white guy then walks into an office for a job interview. He’s is obviously underqualified, but the white guy interviewing him hires him anyway. The interviewer then tells the room full of applicants (white women and minorities) that they can go, the position is filled.

Another white guy goes with his girlfriend to a club. He dances poorly but thinks he’s great. He takes his girlfriend home where they engage in 30 seconds of sex accomplished with his penis that’s the size of a AA battery. Then he sleeps.

Another white guy goes to his job at the bank, where he denies loan requests to anyone who isn’t a white guy.

The last white guy is a cop. He goes around harassing minorities and confiscating drugs, which he promptly uses when no one is looking.

Just another day in white male America. It should be a classic.