All throughout the land, sanity was restored. Harsh partisans whose venom is spewed on cable TV, droplets of spit collecting on the camera, toned down their rhetoric, calmly and rationally explaining themselves. Political operatives put down the signs and stopped screaming, preferring to calmly text their opinions to those who care to listen, expletive-free. Tea partiers decided that rather than bluntly force their views on people, they would invite people over for tea. And not just any tea. Good tea, not just Lipton but Earl Grey and even chamomile. Those that thought Bush was responsible for 9/11 calmly reviewed empirical evidence and determined that in fact it was Al Qaida responsible for the catastrophe. Their signs ended up in the recycling bin.
It was a glorious day throughout the country. People realized that the end of days wasn’t coming. It became evident that no matter who held the levers of power, those people were uninterested in handing the country over to economic oblivion, totalitarianism, or Muslim extremists. Gay people felt comfortable to be out in public. The war on Christmas officially ended. (We won!) It was ok to be a witch, masturbate, or eat arugula. Peaceful Muslims built mosques, and no one seemed to care (except the peaceful Muslims, who were happy. Also, the guys who work construction and got paid.)
No, John Stewart and Steven Colbert, despite their best efforts, did not succeed in restoring sanity. Instead, the election finally came. As a result, the political advertising stopped. No longer did we have to hear about people being bad for schools/jobs/morals. Now we can go back to hearing about the newest burrito available from Taco Bell and how fuel efficient the new Toyota is. And the country got back to normal.
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