The world is abuzz with the avalanche of classified information contained in the latest WikiLeaks document dump. Over 250,000 cables have been made public, and the press is busy devouring them to give us the juiciest bits. Of course, 250,000 documents is a lot to read and digest. Some of the contents are mundane or don’t do much to further our understanding of the US and its relations to the world. My crack team and I have spent hours combing the documents to bring you the highlights (or dimlights) of the least important leaked documents from WikiLeaks.
• Osama Bin Laden is a big fan of Martha Stewart. His cave is filled with paper mache ornaments and decorative gourds.
• Russian President Dmitry Medvedev claims to know a lot about Sarah Palin, since he’s flown over her state many times.
• The Saudi Royal Family is really, really rich.
• French President Nicolas Sarkozy is so vain that he thinks Carly Simon wrote a whole song just about him.
• The Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper is considered by American diplomats to be pleasant and polite. It’s also believed that he has a speech impediment, as he has trouble pronouncing the word “about” and frequently ends sentences with “eh.”
• Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych thinks that Gem is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
• According to comments overheard by US diplomats, Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan has a very small penis. Later, it was determined that someone in the other room was watching a rerun or South Park.
• George W. Bush liked to play with green plastic army men in the Oval Office and was particularly adept at making the “phew phew” sound whenever someone used a laser.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Bring Back Literacy Tests
In the US, a “literacy test” was used in the Jim Crowe era to disenfranchise black voters in some southern states. Essentially, white poll workers could ask voters questions to determine if they had a sufficient level of literacy to vote. In practice, this meant questions that were nearly impossible to answer for most black voters while white voters got softball questions. In 1965, the Civil Rights Act outlawed literacy tests. This is unfortunate, because literacy test could really improve elections in America.
No, I am not advocating a return to the Jim Crowe system. What we should do is have a bipartisan commission come up with a list of hundreds of multiple choice questions and have each voter receive ten of them at random. If the voter is unable to get seven of the ten correct, that person’s vote won’t count.
Imagine how this would change elections. Cable news channels, instead of focusing on how the horse race will end, will offer program after program trying to educate voters to pass the literacy test. Dishonest attack ads will be replaced with ads targeting likely voters for a candidate and try to ensure that they can answer seven of ten questions. Candidates for office, instead of trying to mislead the public, would be well served trying to educate voters. Talk around the water cooler, instead of passing the latest bullshit propagated on cable news and campaign ads, would be about new factual discoveries about the state of politics and the empirical affects of recent legislation.
And the electorate would vote for candidates based on how they actually performed in office instead of how their PR people and financial backers framed the debate.
No, I am not advocating a return to the Jim Crowe system. What we should do is have a bipartisan commission come up with a list of hundreds of multiple choice questions and have each voter receive ten of them at random. If the voter is unable to get seven of the ten correct, that person’s vote won’t count.
Imagine how this would change elections. Cable news channels, instead of focusing on how the horse race will end, will offer program after program trying to educate voters to pass the literacy test. Dishonest attack ads will be replaced with ads targeting likely voters for a candidate and try to ensure that they can answer seven of ten questions. Candidates for office, instead of trying to mislead the public, would be well served trying to educate voters. Talk around the water cooler, instead of passing the latest bullshit propagated on cable news and campaign ads, would be about new factual discoveries about the state of politics and the empirical affects of recent legislation.
And the electorate would vote for candidates based on how they actually performed in office instead of how their PR people and financial backers framed the debate.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Breakup
After you’ve been with the same woman for seven years and living together for five of those years, it was particularly difficult when the relationship dissolved. Although the time was right for us to break up, there are lots of things I miss about being in a relationship. Obviously, I miss the sex, but I also miss having someone around to do something with. I don’t have the courage to go to brunch or the movies by myself.
The worst part of the breakup though was the splitting of the things we had acquired together. In the end, I gave up the LCD TV, the living room and most of the bedroom furniture, and the apartment we shared. I got the microwave, the bed, and most importantly, I got the dog Wendell. I felt that I got the better of the break. Granted, I have less stuff, but I couldn’t imagine dealing with the breakup and loneliness without having Wendell to cuddle and hang out with. I had to spend a lot on a security deposit for my new apartment and I can’t live in the cool neighborhood that I want to, but it’s worth it to have Wendell around.
After two weeks of living in my new apartment, I had to give Wendell back to my ex. Wendell’s been great, but he has an annoying tendency that I can’t live with. Every time I masturbate, Wendell stares at me. I don’t know if Wendell is driven by sexual desires, curiosity, or some strange instinctual compulsion, but his peering eyes ruin the moment. I’ll miss Wendell, but I know I’ll miss orgasm more.
The worst part of the breakup though was the splitting of the things we had acquired together. In the end, I gave up the LCD TV, the living room and most of the bedroom furniture, and the apartment we shared. I got the microwave, the bed, and most importantly, I got the dog Wendell. I felt that I got the better of the break. Granted, I have less stuff, but I couldn’t imagine dealing with the breakup and loneliness without having Wendell to cuddle and hang out with. I had to spend a lot on a security deposit for my new apartment and I can’t live in the cool neighborhood that I want to, but it’s worth it to have Wendell around.
After two weeks of living in my new apartment, I had to give Wendell back to my ex. Wendell’s been great, but he has an annoying tendency that I can’t live with. Every time I masturbate, Wendell stares at me. I don’t know if Wendell is driven by sexual desires, curiosity, or some strange instinctual compulsion, but his peering eyes ruin the moment. I’ll miss Wendell, but I know I’ll miss orgasm more.
Friday, November 19, 2010
My New Reality Show - Will Divide Conquers
Fashionable Amish has been gaining steadily in readership over the months, but there are still forces that are holding back its popularity. Perhaps the greatest force is the belief that I’m somehow not “genuine.” My critics have accused me of being a professional writer’s side project.
I’m eager to prove them wrong. Sarah Palin’s new reality TV show demonstrates that she’s a real Alaskan. Maybe I can prove my bonifieds with my own six-part reality TV show – Will Divide Conquers.
Episode 1 focuses on getting to know Will. You’ll see his cramped studio basement apartment with pictures of naked women on the wall. There, Will writes his blog unshaven and in his underwear. Will visits his dealer (face blurred) where he buys copious amounts of pot.
Episode 2 is my favorite. The theme to this episode is, “Can Will Divide go the whole day just smoking pot, masturbating, and eating Cheetos?” I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but I will say chaffing is involved.
Episode 3 has Will trying to drunkenly pick up women. Needless to say, this is unsuccessful. The episode ends with Will masturbating to Hentai with a tentacle monster.
Episode 4 is a visit from Will Divide Jr. The elder Will let’s junior go on a $20 shopping spree at the 7-11. This episode contains a lot of farting and giggling.
Episode 5 has Will trying to kill all of the roaches in his apartment. Exacerbated, Will gets high and masturbates. He then writes a blog about it.
In episode 6, Will is dressed in a suit explaining that the whole series has been a ruse to establish his reputation as a legitimate blogger. Later in the episode, we find out this is all BS, and Will really is a degenerate loser.
I’m eager to prove them wrong. Sarah Palin’s new reality TV show demonstrates that she’s a real Alaskan. Maybe I can prove my bonifieds with my own six-part reality TV show – Will Divide Conquers.
Episode 1 focuses on getting to know Will. You’ll see his cramped studio basement apartment with pictures of naked women on the wall. There, Will writes his blog unshaven and in his underwear. Will visits his dealer (face blurred) where he buys copious amounts of pot.
Episode 2 is my favorite. The theme to this episode is, “Can Will Divide go the whole day just smoking pot, masturbating, and eating Cheetos?” I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but I will say chaffing is involved.
Episode 3 has Will trying to drunkenly pick up women. Needless to say, this is unsuccessful. The episode ends with Will masturbating to Hentai with a tentacle monster.
Episode 4 is a visit from Will Divide Jr. The elder Will let’s junior go on a $20 shopping spree at the 7-11. This episode contains a lot of farting and giggling.
Episode 5 has Will trying to kill all of the roaches in his apartment. Exacerbated, Will gets high and masturbates. He then writes a blog about it.
In episode 6, Will is dressed in a suit explaining that the whole series has been a ruse to establish his reputation as a legitimate blogger. Later in the episode, we find out this is all BS, and Will really is a degenerate loser.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
How to Write a TV Comedy
Writing a comedy for TV isn’t all that difficult. Take some characters that people can either relate to or find intriguing for some reason. If possible, make most of your characters single, because clumsily finding love is comedy gold and make for easy storylines. Sprinkle in some references to things that the “kids” are in to (Lady Gaga, Twitter, Facebook), and you’re well on your way.
What about plots for episodes? That’s easy too. Years of successful comedies are built on one of these hand situations.
• A character takes a drug unwittingly and acts funny, discloses something he or she shouldn’t, and/or gets in trouble because other characters don’t know that it’s the drugs making the character act funny.
• A character overhears something, misinterprets it, and takes action as if he or she heard it correctly. (In the industry, this is known as the Three’s Company plot.)
• A character gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend that everyone else realizes is terrible. Other characters try to subtly tell the newly smitten character, but this usually ends in either misunderstanding or resentment.
• A character tells a lie to make him or herself seem more important or lass of a loser. The character is later confronted with the lie, making him or her look like an even bigger loser. (In the industry, this is known as the Ricky Gervais plot.)
• A character inadvertently says something racist, sexist, homophobic, or otherwise bigoted. He or she is then confronted by the oppressed minority and concocts a defense that makes the character appear more bigoted.
At this point, you may be asking, “but what is the show about?” If you follow these plot outlines, it doesn’t matter. Keep the hijinks coming, and you too can be a successful TV comedy writer.
What about plots for episodes? That’s easy too. Years of successful comedies are built on one of these hand situations.
• A character takes a drug unwittingly and acts funny, discloses something he or she shouldn’t, and/or gets in trouble because other characters don’t know that it’s the drugs making the character act funny.
• A character overhears something, misinterprets it, and takes action as if he or she heard it correctly. (In the industry, this is known as the Three’s Company plot.)
• A character gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend that everyone else realizes is terrible. Other characters try to subtly tell the newly smitten character, but this usually ends in either misunderstanding or resentment.
• A character tells a lie to make him or herself seem more important or lass of a loser. The character is later confronted with the lie, making him or her look like an even bigger loser. (In the industry, this is known as the Ricky Gervais plot.)
• A character inadvertently says something racist, sexist, homophobic, or otherwise bigoted. He or she is then confronted by the oppressed minority and concocts a defense that makes the character appear more bigoted.
At this point, you may be asking, “but what is the show about?” If you follow these plot outlines, it doesn’t matter. Keep the hijinks coming, and you too can be a successful TV comedy writer.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Wedding Announcement
After four years of dating, I finally decided to make an honest woman out of Kathryn, so I proposed. Luckily for me, she said yes! We couldn’t be happier.
I’ve always like Kathryn’s mom Carol. That is, until I became engaged to her daughter. Now Carol thinks she can dictate every aspect of our lies. Kathryn and I aren’t particularly religious. Kathryn’s friend Barry is a minister in the Church of Universal Life, which allows anyone who signs up on the internet to be a minister. I thought he would be perfect to preside over the wedding. Carol insisted that we be married in a church. So guess where we’ll be married.
Carol also demanded that we publish an engagement announcement in the newspaper. Apparently it’s family tradition to do this, although none of the family got married in the internet era. Carol says it has to be the big, three-column announcement. This cost me $1,500. Still, I know that it’s important to Kathryn that I do what her mom wants, so I saved up for a month and drained my savings to get our engagement announcement in the newspaper. After submission, it takes two weeks before the announcement is published. (Of course I put the news on Facebook for free the day that we got engaged, but that doesn’t count as a wedding announcement.)
The newspaper published our announcement yesterday. Much as Carol wanted, today we are the talk of the town. Unfortunately, it’s not for the reason that Carol would hope. Our announcement of the future union of Harold Prince and Kathryn Middleton was trumped by another engagement announcement by some similarly named people. While Prince Harry will have a royal wedding, I’m beginning to think my wedding will be a royal pain in the ass.
I’ve always like Kathryn’s mom Carol. That is, until I became engaged to her daughter. Now Carol thinks she can dictate every aspect of our lies. Kathryn and I aren’t particularly religious. Kathryn’s friend Barry is a minister in the Church of Universal Life, which allows anyone who signs up on the internet to be a minister. I thought he would be perfect to preside over the wedding. Carol insisted that we be married in a church. So guess where we’ll be married.
Carol also demanded that we publish an engagement announcement in the newspaper. Apparently it’s family tradition to do this, although none of the family got married in the internet era. Carol says it has to be the big, three-column announcement. This cost me $1,500. Still, I know that it’s important to Kathryn that I do what her mom wants, so I saved up for a month and drained my savings to get our engagement announcement in the newspaper. After submission, it takes two weeks before the announcement is published. (Of course I put the news on Facebook for free the day that we got engaged, but that doesn’t count as a wedding announcement.)
The newspaper published our announcement yesterday. Much as Carol wanted, today we are the talk of the town. Unfortunately, it’s not for the reason that Carol would hope. Our announcement of the future union of Harold Prince and Kathryn Middleton was trumped by another engagement announcement by some similarly named people. While Prince Harry will have a royal wedding, I’m beginning to think my wedding will be a royal pain in the ass.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Michael Vick Bitten by Dogs
PHILADELPHIA, PA (AP) - NFL star quarterback Michael Vick was released from the hospital earlier this morning after receiving treatment for lacerations on his right thigh and hand that he received after being bit by several dogs, Philadelphia Eagles’ team spokesman Greg Panner announced today.
Vick, who was from federal prison in 2009 after serving a sentence for animal cruelty stemming from his involvement with a dog-fighting kennel, was walking from a friend’s home to his car when two to three dogs approached and repeatedly bit him. A neighbor who heard the commotion used a garden hose to disperse the dogs .Vick was taken to Temple University Hospital where he was treated and released.
“Vick is a strong man. He could have fought off the dogs and minimized the injury, but because of his history he thought better of it,” Panner explained. “Vick is recovering at home and is questionable for next week’s game against the Giants.”
Vick was coming off of one of the best games of his career, throwing four touchdowns and running for two more in a 59-28 victory against the Washington Redskins. After his incarceration, Vick had stayed out of trouble and was working to reestablish his reputation as a premier quarterback in the NFL.
The irony of Vick being injured by dogs was not lost on supporters of animal rights groups that have protested Vick’s return to the NFL last season. “Of course I don’t want to see anybody get hurt, but if the story has a headline of ‘Dog Bites Man,’ there is nobody more appropriate to be the subject of that story than Michael Vick,” Dan Shannon, PETA’s assistant director of campaigns said. “Last night, the dogs got their revenge.”
Vick, who was from federal prison in 2009 after serving a sentence for animal cruelty stemming from his involvement with a dog-fighting kennel, was walking from a friend’s home to his car when two to three dogs approached and repeatedly bit him. A neighbor who heard the commotion used a garden hose to disperse the dogs .Vick was taken to Temple University Hospital where he was treated and released.
“Vick is a strong man. He could have fought off the dogs and minimized the injury, but because of his history he thought better of it,” Panner explained. “Vick is recovering at home and is questionable for next week’s game against the Giants.”
Vick was coming off of one of the best games of his career, throwing four touchdowns and running for two more in a 59-28 victory against the Washington Redskins. After his incarceration, Vick had stayed out of trouble and was working to reestablish his reputation as a premier quarterback in the NFL.
The irony of Vick being injured by dogs was not lost on supporters of animal rights groups that have protested Vick’s return to the NFL last season. “Of course I don’t want to see anybody get hurt, but if the story has a headline of ‘Dog Bites Man,’ there is nobody more appropriate to be the subject of that story than Michael Vick,” Dan Shannon, PETA’s assistant director of campaigns said. “Last night, the dogs got their revenge.”
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