Tuesday, July 13, 2010

God has Cast You in 'The Real World'

One of the tenets of religion is that God loves you. I believe instead that God is sadistic and watches you screw up for his amusement. It's as though God has cast you in a giant episode of "The Real World." He then makes a big bowl of popcorn and sits in his comfy chair to watch you flail attempting to overcome the obstacles he put there.

In a previous post, we talked about how if you're having sex and have a hair in your mouth, all activity has to stop until you remove the hair. God could have let you wait until you were finished to remove the hair or let you swallow the hair. But he doesn't. Instead, he giggles as you helplessly pluck at a hair on your tongue while your partner waits frustrated.

If you thought that was funny, check out another one of God's big jokes. Let's say you're the head coach of an NFL football team. You have made it to the Super Bowl and are now one win away from having a street named after you. It's imperative that you are at the peak of your mental capability to help guide the team to victory. You could really use a good night's sleep. Yet, God has put your brain into overdrive and pumped your body full of adrenaline, making your night mostly sleepless. Instead of being a mental dynamo, you are hoping no one sees you stifling a yawn.

It doesn't just happen to celebrities. A big exam, job interview, or marriage proposal could cause you to be sleep deprived and off your game. Meanwhile, God sits in his cushy chair, mouth full of popcorn, laughing hysterically as he rewinds the TiVo to watch you fail again and again.

Thanks God.

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