This Monday at 8:00 PM, the Science Channel is proud to feature its latest special. Vampires are very popular right now with the Twilight books and movies, the HBO series True Blood, and the upcoming Tim Burton/Johnny Depp film Dark Shadows. Every tween girl and bored middle-aged wife wants a pale, sensitive vampire boyfriend for herself.
With that demographic in mind, we present to you our new hour special, “Vampires – Fact or Fiction?” Is it possible that people roam the earth avoiding sunlight and garlic, and biting people on the neck to turn them into vampires?
To explore the subject, we interviewed Raymond Hale in a dark room. Mr. Hale is the founder of the Vampire Research Institute. Apparently, his bachelor’s degree in biochemistry from UC Davis makes him uniquely qualified to be a vampire researcher. According to Hale, “we now have evidence that people who suffered from porphyria in the Middle Ages exhibited characteristics that we might consider vampire-like qualities. They were often pale and garlic makes their condition worse. Porphyria is currently treated with blood transfusions. It’s not unrealistic to think that people suffering from the disease in pre-modern times drank blood to alleviate symptoms.”
Of course, we could have interviewed actual medical professionals and university professors who could have used things like peer-reviewed journals and double-blind studies to prove that Mr. Hale assertions are totally baseless, but then we wouldn’t have 43 minutes of show to fill with actors pretending to be vampires while ominous music plays in the background and the announcer with the gripping voice asks hypothetical questions. Plus, we have to find some way to sell you Swiffer mops and cell phone bling.
We hope you tune in. Sure it’s bullshit, but we hope it’s compelling bullshit.