You gotta give some love to Kanye West and Tupac Shakur. At least they have (or in Tupac’s case, had) the balls to rap under the name on their birth certificates. Just about every other rapper chooses a rap moniker. Some rappers put a profession in their rap name. Other than the obscure rapper MC Rap, most rappers don’t use their actual profession in their name. (I’ve yet to see MC UPS Delivery Guy or Java Sophware Developa’.) Instead, we have Dr. Dre, Professor Griff, or Queen Latifah. All of them have succeeded in their professions. Dr. Dre makes more money and has access to more drugs than a doctor. Professor Griff had the ear of more young people than any college professor. And Queen Latifah lives the life of a modern queen.
With this in mind, I am proud to introduce my new rap persona, Dr. President. I’m hoping this new moniker will instill me with the powers of the professions in my name. It would be great if I could prescribe medical marijuana and Percocet to help deal with my “issues.” I also like the idea of telling some attractive woman that she suffers from a case of the “vapors,” and that I can cure it with a steady course of clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration. With my Presidential powers, I’d declare Will Divide as national blogger and make my birthday a national holiday (which it already is, but I’d change it from “New Years Day” to “Everyone Get Drunk Because Will Divide’s Momma Popped Him Out X Number of Years Ago Today Day.” It has a nice ring, doesn’t it?).
Also, I might rap.
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