Running for Office

In 1987, President Reagan nominated Douglas Ginsberg for the Supreme Court. Shortly after the nomination, revelations surfaced that Ginsberg had used marijuana when he was younger. Facing mounting criticism and uncertain confirmation, Ginsberg withdrew from consideration.

Fast forward 20 years to 2007. Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President. Obama wrote in his 1995 book Dreams from My Father that he used pot and cocaine in his younger days. Since these revelations long predate his candidacy, the country treats Obama’s drug use with a collective meh, and Obama is elected in a landslide.

At some point in the future, I may want to run for elected office. I think I would make a fine county comptroller. That, or US President. One or the other. With that in mind, it’s probably best that I come clean about my past. That way, no one will care about them when the time comes to run.

I have smoked pot. I have also done coke. Also, Oxycondone, PCP, crack, meth, Vicodine, heroine, Extacy, Methadone, LSD, Valium, and this one drug who’s name I forgot but is used to tranquilize black bears and makes you feel like the king of the paisley weasels. In fact, I’m on three of the drugs listed above right now.

I have hired undocumented workers to do stuff for me around the house. Specifically, I hired two of them to pleasure me physically. This is probably a good time to point out that I have slept with prostitutes.

I once wrote a blog that had certain “blue” elements that could prove embarrassing if taken out of context. The blog could also prove embarrassing if used in context.

I regret these errors in judgment I made as a younger man, or at least I will when I’m running for office.