Hi, I’m Alex Winter. You may remember me from such films as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Actually, that’s about it. Although I made good money off of those films 20 years ago, that money is long gone to skeevy ex-wives and thieving former business managers. Sure, sometimes people buy my movies on DVD and they sometimes play a Bill and Ted movie on late-night cable, but the royalty checks don’t pay my rent, let alone all the accoutrements needed to keep a washed-up Hollywood star happy.
The last decade was a period of optimism for me. TV was full of the formerly famous being “themselves” on reality TV. I was especially enamored with the shows featuring Anna Nicole Smith, The Osbournes, and Paula Abdul, because I can do what they did. I like drugs. I can do a bunch of drugs, stumble around, slur my words, and have a camera crew follow me as I go to the convenience store or the bar. I tried pitching this idea to several producers to no avail.
Then I came up with a better idea. Screw reality TV. What if you could have actual reality? For $500 and some drugs, I will come to your party or gathering. There you can see me in person slurring my words and stumbling about. Plus, rather than just laughing at a TV screen, you can actively humiliate me. Make me say, “excellent,” or “bogus,” or “69 dude!” and ask me questions about Keanu Reeves. When I’m fucked up, I really don’t care.
Look, prostitutes won’t give you freebees, even if you are famous. Help a guy out. Host your own reality TV show featuring Alex Winter.
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