Friday, September 3, 2010

Being Gay Is Better Than Being Straight

Being heterosexual isn’t easy. For starters, Drew Barrymore keeps making romantic comedies that elevate male/female relationships to levels no self-respecting hetero couple could ever live up to. Then there’s the whole public display of affection question. It’s generally accepted that gay couples restrict the PDAs to private time, gay bars, etc. Hetero couples have to make the determination of what’s acceptable in public. Holding hands? Kissing? Making out? Humping wildly?

The biggest thing gay couples have over straight couples is that they don’t have to decipher the mysteries of the opposite sex. For example, women will get mad at something a guy did, not tell him what he did wrong, and then expect the guy to figure it out. Men don’t do that to each other. (“Gary, that last shit you took clogged the toilet. Don’t just fucking leave it there. At least have the decency to use the fucking plunger.” “I’m sorry Ted. I still love you.”)

Men are really easy to understand, but women never seem to be able to figure men out. There are only two things men need to be happy –his ego stroked and his dick wet. It’s not that difficult. Women, if you want to keep your man, all you have to do is have sex with him. Afterwards, even if the sex was sub-par, tell him, “Oh my god! That was the best sex ever. I think I came like 17 times!” Wet penis + stroked ego = happy man. Strippers and prostitutes know this. Gay men know this. Regular women don’t for some reason.

This is why I wish I were gay. My boyfriend and I could sit around all day on Sunday watching football. When halftime came, we’d fuck. How perfect is that? If only I found men attractive!

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