John Laroquette hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live in the 1980s. In one skit, Laroquette played a guy who died and met his guardian angel. The angel answered any question for him. One query he had was what career was he cut out for. (It turns out he should have been the President.)
I wish I could ask a guardian angel that questions. Although I would hope the angel would say “supreme overlord of the planet,” I think it would be more realistic for me to be a Hollywood studio executive. I could just see it now…
[Screen goes wavy and image reemerges with me in a designer suit in a large office overlooking the Hollywood Hills.]
Pitchman: We have a great idea for a movie. It’s about a hero who emerges from a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The movie will be written by, directed by, and star Kevin Costner. He had the same roles in Dances with Wolves, so you know he can pull it off. Plus, he learned some valuable lessons about making post-apocalyptic movies from Waterworld. Do we have a deal?
Me: No.
Pitchman II: Here’s an idea for the CW network. Remember those dramas that were so popular on FOX in the 1990s? We want to put them back on the air again. Our target demographic really liked 90210 and Melrose Place, so they’ll probably watch them again. Plus the actors from the original series can use the work.
Me: No.
Pitchman III: This movie is going to be a big hit. It’s written by and stars Jenny McCarthy. Carmen Electra is also on board. It’s about…
Me: Let me stop you right there. No….
[Wavy screen returns to the blog.]
See? It’s the perfect job for me. I should move to LA.
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