The Lawsuit

Dear Mr. Lafferty,

I saw your advertisement on a bench in the park and figured that you may be able to help me with a legal matter. I am homeless and do not have any money to pay you right now, but as you will soon see, I will be coming into a lot of money (with your help), and will be able to compensate you handsomely from the restitution.

Yesterday, the Portland police threw me off of a Max commuter train. I am a 67 year old veteran with two arthritic knees, so getting up is very painful for me. Luckily I was able to board the next train without police harassment. I hesitate to think what state I would be in if I had to walk back to the shelter.

For this transgression, I want to sue the police department for $10 billion. Of this settlement, I would gladly be wiling to pay you $5,000 plus expenses.

The officers may claim that they kicked me off of the train because I did not pay. While this is technically true, I do not feel that I am responsible for paying for a ticket since I am an employee of TriMet and am working every time I am aboard a TriMet train, bus, or streetcar. Many young women ride public transportation unescorted, and it is my responsibility to ensure that they reach their destination without being raped or harassed. This is a self-appointed position. You can tell that I am doing a good job, since no one has been raped on public transit since I moved from Houston in 2005.

If you need to contact me, you can call me at the Salvation Army Shelter. When calling, please ask for Mad Dog.

Sincerely,

Eddie Jones, Jr.