There’s this great song by King Missile called Gary and Melissa. The protagonists of the song have an active and adventurous sex life, incorporating bowling balls, commemorative Statuettes of Liberty, and eventually friends into the lovemaking experience.
I can sympathize with Gary and Melissa. I tend to get bored with sex and need to try new things. I’ve done it with women and men. I’ve slept with prostitutes. I’ve had threesomes, foursomes, and one night an 11-some. I’ve had sex at work, in a public park, and in the housewares section of Walmart. My wife and I have tried every position in the Kama Sutra that we can physically contort ourselves into. I’ve cheated on my wife with a mistress. I cheated on my mistress with another mistress. And yet, I still feel as though I’m missing something.
Then I read in the paper this morning that US Representative Mike Souder is retiring after it was disclosed that he had an affair with a staffer. That’s nothing new. What struck me about this story is that Souder was one of Congress’ strongest advocates for family values, abstinence, and traditional marriage. As if that isn’t bad enough, the staffer apparently worked on abstinence issues with him. You can just see them talking about how giving condoms away in schools encourages promiscuity before lustily mashing faces together. That’s hot.
I figured out what I’ve been missing – hypocrisy sex. After reading the paper, I went to the office of the local chapter of Focus on the Family. I donated money and offered my services as a precinct captain and youth mentor. The woman who signed me up is a Baptist and a married mother of three. She has very pretty eyes. I can’t wait to fuck her brains out.
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