Monday, May 17, 2010

Trying New Drugs

As the son of alcoholic parents, I’ve always felt it was necessary to consume every drug ever presented to me. Nothing gets you through a blisteringly-cold Midwestern winter weekend better than a three-day meth binge. Feeling lonely and unloved? Pop a hit of ecstasy or two and everyone in the room is your new soulmate. Shit, if the government wanted to control violent crime, all they’d have to do is add Xanax to the water supply.

My girlfriend Jan has been pressuring me to try this new thing, telling me that it will totally trip me out. Normally I’ll try anything once (or 17 times in a weekend), but I was apprehensive. I’ve put a lot of things in me, but I won’t do cyanide or arsenic. That’s suicide, and no drug’s so good that you’ll never do anything else ever again. Jan wasn’t asking me to kill myself, but you can never be sure how you’ll react to something new. (Len Bias died the first time he ever did coke; luckily, I can’t say the same thing.)

Well, I’ve been on it for three days, and it’s totally amazing. The visuals are incredible. Everything’s so crisp and sharp, as if the world suddenly upgraded to HD. I can taste and smell things I never knew existed. (I now know why people love blue cheese.) My head feels like it’s been rinsed with pure spring water. I finally get the music from the band Rush. Previously I thought they were whiney and noodly, but I can now appreciate their technical prowess.

I never thought I would say this, but I may just stick with this and never do another drug ever again. Sobriety is beautiful.

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