Undateable

I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date, although I’m not really sure. The reasons for this are obvious. For starters, I’m not much to look at. While other boys were honing their skills at chatting up girls, I spent my time getting my computer to do weird things.

I work for a small software company developing apps for the iPhone. (You know the app that allows you to exchange personal contact information by bumping phones? I made that.) Although the pay is exceptional, I work at least 70 hours per week. My free time is spent mowing the lawn, vacuuming rugs, and going on adventures with one of my online roll play characters. (Although semi-retired, my warlock is a bit of a legend in World of Warcraft.)

So I don’t really have time to date. My mom worries that I should be getting out more, but I don’t mind being alone all that much. I get enough human interaction at work and online, and internet porn is abundant. Of course I do miss physical human contact sometimes.

One of the great things about working for a small software company is the benefits. I pay next to nothing for medical insurance and doctors’ visits. Since I have allergies and asthma that causes me to go to the doctor frequently, this is a great savings.

Plus, I love going to my doctor. Dr. Janet Reiser is in her late 30s with long brown hair and an ample chest that you can still make out under her lab coat. Although I’d never tell her, I quiver when she touches my neck to feel my glands. I always leave Dr. Reiser’s office feeling fulfilled.

There’s a rash on my inner thigh. I can’t wait to see Dr. Reiser about it.