Modern Art is Stupid

Modern art is stupid. Taking garbage you find and arranging it in piles on the floor does not constitute art; instead, it’s making more work for the janitor. And those paintings with straight black lines and colored boxes on a white background are ridiculous. No, it does not symbolize man’s eternal struggle with a slowly-adapting natural world; it demonstrates the artist’s competent use of a t-square.

Recently, a local gallery was having a modern art showing of some local artists. I convinced the owner to include three pieces by the great up-and-coming artist Alséa. She has a flashy website and a long list of credentials. Allegedly, Alséa is all the talk in Prague and is on the short list to have a showing at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. In reality, Alséa is Lisa, my four year old niece, and the art is stuff she did in a class at the YMCA.

At the gallery, I installed a hidden camera and microphone to capture people’s response to Alséa’s art. Here’s a sample what the hoity-toity critics had to say about the new phenom:

“These pieces don’t seem to follow any sort of structure. It’s like the artist just put some paint on a page.”

“It reminds me of art that an elephant or gorilla produced. Very amateurish.”

“This is crap. Doesn’t this gallery have standards anymore?”

“I hope no one expects us to like this piece. I think my five year old daughter could do better than that.”

“I wish people would stop putting their kids’ art in these exhibits trying to show how dumb we all are. I’m a professional. I can tell real art from just splotches on a page.”

Stupid art critics. I’ve pulled one over on you!