I know that over the past few months I’ve been a terrible father and husband. It is only recently that I have come to realize the consequences of my actions, and I hope to somehow atone for them.
First off, I’m sorry that I sold naked pictures of you to that website. Understand that I only did it so that I could afford to buy an M-16 Assault Rifle. The guys at the shooting range said that it is the perfect weapon for a woman, and I so much want you to be able participate in the hobby that I enjoy. I now realize that selling the pictures was a violation of your privacy.
I also now understand that buying a prostitute for our son Joey’s 16th birthday was a mistake. I worry that he is becoming gay, and figured that the pleasure he received from a woman would guide him toward a straight path. It is apparent that he is too young for sexual activity, and my actions made him lose self confidence.
Disclosing to you that I am sleeping with your sister on The Jerry Springer Show was also wrong. I should have told you in private rather than in front of a worldwide audience so as not to humiliate you in public. (I am not sorry about sleeping with your sister though, as we both agree that she is a younger, more attractive version of you.)
I’ve come to understand that the source of my abhorrent behavior is drinking. Although I only drink when taking communion at church, I believe the power of the alcohol affects my actions for the entire week. If I stop attending church, I can go back to being the honorable man you married.