Dear Mayor Sam Adams,
Although I know it was contentious, I am happy to see that we are able to re-renovate Portland’s PGE Park. It’s obvious that the $38.5 million renovation that took place in 2001 is now outdated, making this renovation a wise investment. Upgrading from a USL soccer team to a MLS team will literally bring dozens more people to the park, adding hundreds of dollars to local businesses. I hope that when the bars near the park are able to buy a new barstool or two that they would not otherwise be able to afford, they think of you.
It’s with this generous spirit in mind that I come to you with the following investment opportunity for the city. For the past three summers, my friends and I met weekly in Creston City Park to play croquet. Our tournaments usually attract a crowd of at least 10 people. Lately, some of our spectators have complained that the contours of park do not allow for good sightlines to watch the action. The unevenness of the grass has caused balls to not roll true. Late last year, one ball landed in a pile of dog poo, causing a delay in the game and much consternation.
What we seek is a modest, $2 million, 100 seat stadium where we can play a fair game. The cost can be deferred by taxing beer sales, which judging our crowd, won’t take long to recoup. After our games, local bars and pot dealers will grow fat off of the patronage of our fans.
What do you say Mayor Adams? Portland can not have enough sports teams that few people watch.
Your Humble Constituent,