Dear Grandma Ann,
Thank you very much for sending me a care package. I know that I am the first of your grandkids to attend college, and I am working hard to make you proud.
The 12-pack of Ramen will come in handy when I don’t have enough time to get to the dining hall for lunch. Although I obviously already have pens, the Cross pen set is much nicer than what I am currently using. (My anthropology professor was really impressed!) The cute sophomore that lives upstairs has come down to my dorm room twice for a Mr. Goodbar, so thanks for the bag of Hershey Miniatures.
I also really liked the coffee. It’s better than the Millstone they have at the Safeway, and the money I saved meant that I could afford to buy an eight of the incredible White Widow ganja Andy’s cousin was selling.
Perhaps my favorite thing in the care package was the towels you sent. When we spoke on the phone, I said I needed towels for the shower, but I actually have two of them which are sufficient. The truth is that I have been using the same masturbation towel since I first checked out internet porn in 2005. Although that towel has seen enough DNA to repopulate China, the towel is now nearly threadbare, and it’s beginning to chafe most uncomfortably. Those towels that used to adorn your guest bedroom will come in handy while I watch two big-breasted women alternate having sex with the well-endowed black guy.
Please understand that although I may do a bunch of depraved stuff while in college, rest assured that I am bound and determined to graduate, which is all that really matters.
Your loving grandson,