Friday, April 2, 2010

Porn Town USA

If you live in Portland, one thing that stands out is the abundance of sex-related businesses in town. Between porn theaters, strip clubs, lingerie modeling, and adult bookstores, you don’t have to travel far to get your needed dosage of smut. I’ve tried them all and love them.

That’s why I was really excited when a new place opened in my neighborhood. The moment I walked in, I could tell this place was different. There were no pictures of fake-titted porn stars adorning the walls. Everything was tasteful and understated. My expectations rose; this must be a high class brothel. The madam, an older woman wearing an open-collard shirt and a skirt, told me to have a seat and that one of their “specialists” would be meeting with me shortly. The anticipation got me hard.

A few moments later, a black woman in her late-thirties escorted me to a back room. Something didn’t seem right. Instead of a room with a bed, we were in a sparse office. “What can I do for you?” the woman asked.

She wasn’t really my type, but I don’t know what the etiquette is in a place like this. Maybe this is the room where we negotiate the terms and she can check my naughty bits for sores and whatnot. “Do you have a menu?” I asked.

“What do you think this is - a restaurant?” the woman responded.

I was embarrassed and didn’t know what to do next. “You’re attractive and all,” I said, “but I was hoping for a bj from someone a little younger.”

“Excuse me?” she retorted incredulously.

“The sign outside says ‘Adult and Teen Services,’” I pointed out.

“This is a counseling office for families in crisis,” she yelled. “Get the hell out.”

1 comment: