I work the checkout at the Safeway. It’s not a bad job, but it doesn’t provide me income to buy many luxuries. When I moved to Portland, among my few meager possessions was an old twin bed. Although I was happy to not have to sleep on the floor, the bed was suboptimal.
When I started dating Karen, we usually ended up back at her place. After a tiff with her roommate, we decided to sleep in my apartment. Sleeping on a twin bed with two adults wasn’t easy. Karen kept needling me to buy a new bed, but I didn’t have money. Luckily, someone in my building was giving away a free double-sized bed. Sure it was old, but at least it could fit two people. Karen was happy with the mattress but unhappy about the lack of “growth” in our relationship and dumped me.
After wallowing for a few months, Jane came into my life. I really liked Jane, and she really liked me. What Jane did not like was the lumpiness of my mattress. I was hoping to buy a new TV to replace my 80s era Zenith, but instead I used my savings to buy a new queen-sized pillow-top. Jane loved sleeping in my new bed. Apparently, she also loved her old boyfriend back home and moved back to Ohio.
I have finally got back on the wagon again and am having great times with my new girlfriend Casey. She’s got looks, brains, personality, and that bit of spunkiness I find so refreshing. She also hates sleeping in my bed, saying that my mattress is too soft.
So please come take my girlfriend Casey off my hands for me. I’m not giving up the mattress, and it’s not as though Casey would stay if I did.