Friday, June 4, 2010

The Death Pact

On May 31, Daniel Yu died in a one-car accident. He was 24, an accomplished programmer, a movie star (having appeared as a blurred head gawking at an impressive set of tits in a Girls Gone Wild video), and the only man I know to get a perfect score playing Freebird at the expert level on Guitar Hero. He was also my best friend and will be missed more than I can possibly comprehend right now.

During college, Dan and I made a death pact. Luckily for me, this pact does not require me to kill myself. My role, upon hearing of Dan’s death, was to quickly and quietly go to his apartment and remove potentially embarrassing items before his parents could find them. (If I died first, Dan would have done the same thing for me.) At 2:30 AM on June 1, I removed pot and smoking materials, whippits and a cracker, and most importantly Dan’s porn collection.

After the funeral, I was finally able to look at the stuff I removed from Dan’s place. I took what was left from Dan’s primo weed, put it in his bong Towlie, and huffed away. The experience choked me up in more ways than one. I then perused Dan’s porn collection. I now know why Dan was always short on money at the bar. In Dan’s short life on this planet he managed to acquire quite a collection of porn. It’s not just the volume that’s breathtaking; Dan was apparently into a lot of bizarre fetish shit too. (Did you know that some people get turned on by sneezing?) It will take me years to unwrap the twisted sexual proclivities of my fallen comrade.

Daniel, you are a brother and you will be missed. You sick, sick bastard.

No comments:

Post a Comment