Friday, June 18, 2010

The Ring, Part X

Now that the divorce from my husband was finalized, I decided to spend the weekend in a cabin in the middle of nowhere Washington. The cabin was so remote that it couldn’t get a TV signal, but they did have a few video tapes lying about. Rather than watch Ernest Saves Christmas, I decided to pop in the tape with no label.

As the image appeared on the screen, I had a chilling vision. In the movie The Ring, a woman puts on a labelless video that she found at a cabin only to find out she will die in seven days. I was concerned that I was cursed too, until I realized the tape I was watching was a bad porno. I turned the VCR off and opened my book.

Suddenly my cell phone rang. It was my cute, single neighbor Jack asking me out on a date. I had fantasies about Jack, even when married, so I agreed. After returning from the cabin, I went out on the date with Jack, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. Candlelight, wine, conversation, the whole nine yards. After dinner, we went back to his place and had sex that made my toes curl. It had been 18 months since I last had sex. I thought it would take me much longer to get back on the wagon. I’m glad it didn’t.

Is it possible that whoever watches it will get laid in seven days? I lent the tape to my homely friend Bernice, who hasn’t had sex since college. Wouldn’t you know it; she had sex with a guy the next night!

I’m not the type to believe in the supernatural, but if Bernice is getting laid, I should start charging people to view the tape.

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