Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Don't Take Advice from Maxim Magazine

It amazes me the ease with which assholes are able to get women. I am a nice guy who treats women with respect and find myself single all the time. Sure, I’m nothing special to look at and find something witty to say in conversation the day after the conversation took place, but I have seen guys uglier and more socially clumsy than me get women.

Something needed to change, but what? I was reading Maxim magazine where I saw two articles that changed my life. The first talked about how women are attracted to men who court danger. (That’s why men in prison get so much fanmail.) The other talked about an illegal sport with chapters all across the country – motorcycle polo. There are usually hundreds of spectators at the matches, including adoring young women. I had a motorcycle and the need for adoring young women. This seemed like the perfect match.

After some internet searching and several assurances that I was not a cop, I was in. For the next two months, I spent all of my free time at the training facility practicing passing a ball with a mallet while riding on a motorcycle. I was a natural.

The crowd at my first match was large, with more attractive women than at a sorority hay ride. I knew I could impress the babes with my prowess in the face of danger. When the match started, I was cruising for the ball when an opponent managed to smack me in the jaw with his mallet, causing me to crumble in a heap of pain a gushing blood.

I was rushed to the hospital where, six surgeries later, I look like Quasimodo. I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Guess I should get some cats.

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