Subject: Required disclosure
Dear US Attorney General Eric Holder:
Congratulations on the recent arrest of a sleeper Russian spy ring. It’s good to know that in the middle of a weak economy, an environmental catastrophe, and two ongoing war efforts, the US government still has the resources and desire to prevent other governments from spying on us. It shows that the government can walk and chew gum at the same time.
I was listening to the BBC the other day when a story about the spy arrest came on. According to the report, the charge that the accused are being held under is “conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. Attorney General.” It appears to me that the crime the accused committed was not really spying; it was a failure to notify you.
That is why I am writing you today. I would like to officially notify you that I may conspire to act as an agent for a foreign government. Notice I used the word “may.” I am not currently working as a spy against the US, but I reserve the right to do so in the future. If my unemployment runs out, you best believe I’ll check out the dental plan and 401K that Venezuela and North Korea are offering. I’m not sure what skills or assets a blogger would bring to a foreign government, but I am very good at being incognito. Just ask the guy I bought pot from at Tom McCall Park.
Please keep this email for your records. I would hate to go to jail over my potential new job, as I am generally against anal rape.