Ever have one of those moments where the snappy comeback comes to you hours after it is effective? This happened to me the other day while buying a present for a friend’s birthday party. Back when I had a job, I bought people nice gifts like a bottle of whiskey or a glass marijuana pipe. Now that I am unemployed, I’ve treated my friends to birthday presents from the cornucopia that is the Dollar Store.
Amid the off-brand toothpaste and plastic jewelry, I found a genuine, paperback King James Holy Bible. My friend isn’t the religious type, but I figured she would enjoy the Dollar Store bounty nonetheless.
As I proceeded to check out, the perky but modestly done up teenage clerk says to me, “The Bible? You picked an excellent book!”
I mumbled something back about how it was a great value for a dollar. It was later that day that I came up with some better responses.
“An excellent book you say? Someone should tell the Muslims that.”
“It’s no ‘Da Vinci Code’.”
“You can never have too much kindling.”
“It’s not only an excellent book, it’s THE Good Book.”
“The Bible? I thought I was buying ‘The Bibble,’ a children’s story about a hamster.”
“I’m just buying this because I read on the internet that Bible pages are the best for cleaning up spilled bongwater.”
“It’s cheaper than toilet paper.”
“Thanks. I intend on burning it at my next Satanic Church service. It’s good that you guys have a lot of copies. I’m going to need them.”
“I have to read it as a condition of my parole for killing a vicar.”
“I heard about it on Oprah and just had to check it out.”
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