Internet porn lacks a sense of humor. Most internet porn forgoes the formality of introducing the participants and cuts straight to fornication. If there is any introduction, it to show that the people having sex either don’t know each other or are somehow forbidden to have sex but are doing so anyway. One example of this is the guy in the men’s locker room who encounters an attractive woman for some reason, which is supposed to be funny.
What internet porn needs is a healthy does of black comedy. Take the following scene featuring Destiny and Topher.
We open with a shot of Destiny wearing lingerie opening the door for Topher. Topher is wearing a shirt that says he’s a plumber and is holding a wrench. Destiny and Topher discuss her clogged drain problem with a conversation peppered with sexual innuendo.
Then the sex happens. At first, Destiny intersperses porn-appropriate banter between the grunts and moans such as referring to her body parts in the third person. Suddenly, Destiny says loudly, “I love you,” which causes Topher to wince. She follows this up with, “I want to be with you forever.” Then Destiny yells, “I want to have your babies!”
This comment makes Topher stop the sex. He turns off-camera and says, “I can’t do this Phil. She said that she wants to have my babies. I’m not wearing a condom here.”
Phil from off camera responds, “Destiny, shut the fuck up, and Topher, don’t stop fucking her. We can fix the sound in post-production.”
Then the camera pans to a fully dressed woman who is sitting offstage. She appears to be Topher’s wife. “You better do what the director says, Topher,” the woman scolds. “We need the money. I’m not returning those shoes!”
And scene.
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